How To Not Be The Ashley Tisdale In Your Friend Group

Many applauded her for “protecting her peace.” Others admitted the story made them uneasy, less because of what she said and more because it felt uncomfortably familiar. In her essay for The Cut , Tisdale described the slow unraveling of a close-knit mom group she once believed would be her village. After bonding with other new mothers during the pandemic, she began to notice a pattern of exclusion: missed invitations, social plans she learned about only through social media, and a growing sense that she no longer belonged. Tisdale ultimately chose to step away, explaining that the dynamic had begun to feel emotionally unhealthy and reminiscent of high school, and not in a good way. While she avoided naming names or assigning blame, her account resonated widely for its portrayal of how quietly and painfully adult friendships can fracture, especially during vulnerable life transitions like early motherhood. While some spent their time trying to figure out who exactly these Hollywood “mean moms” are, at the center of the conversation wasn’t celebrity gossip, but something far more ordinary: exclusion, boundaries, and the unraveling of adult friendships . What made Tisdale’s essay resonate wasn’t simply the decision to leave. It was the modern assumption beneath it: that when a group dynamic feels painful or imperfect, the most appropriate response is immediate withdrawal. That leaving is the clearest, cleanest, and most evolved option. Etiquette, however, offers a more nuanced framework. Boundaries Are Not the Same Thing as Disengagement The current language around boundaries tends to be absolute. We’re encouraged to say no early, often, and without explanation. While this has been empowering in many ways, particularly for women who were socialized to overextend, it has also flattened the conversation. Good manners don’t ask us to ignore our limits. But they do ask us to distinguish between what is truly harmful and what is merely uncomfortable. In Tisdale’s case, the pain of exclusion was real. Anyone who has felt iced out of a group chat, overlooked for gatherings, or deprioritized knows how deeply that cuts. There are situations where stepping away is not only understandable, but necessary. What etiquette cautions against is the idea that boundaries automatically require disappearance. Friendships, especially adult ones, are rarely seamless. They involve mismatched expectations, shifting seasons of closeness, and moments of awkwardness that don’t always signal toxicity. When boundaries are used exclusively as an exit strategy, we lose the middle ground where most relationships actually live. What Today’s Friendship Etiquette Often Gets Wrong The Ashley Tisdale controversy highlights three etiquette blind spots in modern friendship culture. First, we’ve confused self-protection with silence. Many adults now believe that if something feels hurtful, the polite, or emotionally intelligent, choice is to bow out. Traditional etiquette would argue the opposite: that clarity, delivered kindly, is often more respectful than vanishing without context, or worse, blowing things up on your way out the door. Second, we’ve lost the skill of navigating social discomfort. Not every exclusion is intentional. Not every group dynamic is malicious. Etiquette teaches us to pause before assigning meaning, to ask questions before drawing conclusions, and to allow room for misalignment without immediately labeling it betrayal. Third, we’ve framed community as optional rather than reciprocal. Villages don’t function on convenience alone. They rely on a shared understanding that belonging sometimes requires effort, patience, and the willingness to tolerate moments of discomfort without opting out entirely. When Leaving Is Polite, and When Staying Matters There are absolutely moments when leaving a group is the most gracious choice. If communication has failed, if patterns are consistently hurtful, or if participation erodes your sense of self, etiquette supports stepping away. But etiquette also asks us to consider something else: whether the relationship was given a fair chance to adjust. Was there room for conversation? Was there an opportunity to recalibrate expectations? Was the discomfort addressed, or simply endured until it became unbearable? Modern friendship etiquette doesn’t insist on endless loyalty. It encourages intentionality. Sometimes that means leaving. Other times, it means staying long enough to speak honestly, even when it feels awkward. The Grace of a Thoughtful Exit If a boundary does require distance, how we leave matters. A quiet disappearance may protect one person’s peace, but it often leaves confusion in its wake. Etiquette favors exits that preserve dignity on both sides, ones that acknowledge shared history without reopening wounds. A message that says, This dynamic no longer works for me, but I appreciate what we shared, may feel harder to send. It's also more aligned with the values of respect and consideration that etiquette exists to uphold. Friendship Etiquette in an Age of Boundaries In the end, the Ashley Tisdale conversation wasn’t really about mom groups. It’s about how quickly modern culture moves to absolutes: stay or leave, toxic or safe, protect or sacrifice. Etiquette lives in the in-between. It reminds us that boundaries are tools, not shields. That community requires participation, not perfection. And that while no one is owed your constant availability, relationships do deserve clarity, care, and a willingness to engage before disengaging. If we want meaningful friendships in adulthood, we can’t rely on boundaries alone. We need the social skills to navigate disappointment, the courage to communicate, and the grace to leave, when necessary, without burning the village down on our way out. If you have a question for a future Ask Alison segment, kindly email info@elevateetiquette.com . Alison M. Cheperdak, J.D., is the founder of Elevate Etiquette, a consultancy where she teaches modern manners in a gracious and grounded way. She is the author of a forthcoming book, “Was It Something I Said? Everyday Etiquette to Avoid Awkward Moments in Relationships, Work, and Life.”