Ask Alison: How To Help A Friend In A Toxic Relationship

You meet your friend’s new boyfriend and instantly feel it in your gut: something’s off. Maybe they’re controlling. Maybe they belittle your friend in front of others. Maybe it’s just a vibe you can’t shake.

But one thing is clear: your friend doesn’t seem quite like herself, or you just know in your heart that she deserves better.

There’s a reason red flags that go unnoticed, or ignored, are such a familiar theme in movies and TV. Think Elle Woods holding onto Warner in Legally Blonde, convinced she just needs to become the “right” woman for him. Or Carrie Bradshaw giving Mr. Big chance after chance in Sex and the City, hoping this time he’ll show up the way she needs him to. Or Rory Gilmore in Gilmore Girls, overlooking the cracks in her relationship with Logan long after the thrill fades. 

These stories resonate because they reflect something real: even smart, self-aware women sometimes miss the signs, or want to believe they’re temporary. And just like in the movies, it can take time (and a few painful lessons) to realize someone simply isn’t the one.

So… as a friend, what do you say? Or is it rude to say anything at all? 

That’s where etiquette comes in. Etiquette isn't just about which fork to use; it’s about how we care for one another in life’s most delicate moments.

Bringing up concerns about someone’s relationship can feel risky. But with the right approach, you can speak up without shaming, support without overstepping, and preserve your friendship while still being honest.

Here’s how.

Start with Intention, Not Assumptions

Before you say anything, pause and check in with yourself: Why do I want to bring this up? Am I hoping to control or to care? Am I leading with love, or with frustration?

Is it because you’re truly concerned for your friend’s well-being? Or are you feeling frustrated because she’s been less present or made choices you wouldn’t?

We all have moments of judgment; it’s human. But when your motive is love, not control, it shapes the entire conversation.

Be Thoughtful About Timing and Tone

This isn’t a topic to casually raise while waiting in line for matcha or dashing between errands.

Instead, find a private, calm moment where you can talk without distractions or interruptions. A quiet walk, a car ride, or sitting together at home often work better than loud restaurants or group settings.

Try: “Would it be okay if I shared something that’s been on my heart? I love you so much, and this is coming from a caring place.”

It signals softness and care without putting her on the defensive.

Speak to What You’ve Noticed, Not Who They Are

It’s tempting to say, “I can’t stand him” or “He’s bad news,” but generalizations like that usually backfire. Instead, describe specific behavior you’ve observed and how it made you feel.

For example: “I noticed he talked over you a lot at dinner. It made me wonder how you were feeling in that moment.”

Or: “You seemed really quiet after that comment he made. I just wanted to check in.”

This shows that you’re paying attention, not passing judgment.

Make Space for Their Response

Once you’ve said your piece, don’t pile on. Let your friend talk. Even if she brushes it off or gets defensive, try not to push.

Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is: “I’m not here to tell you what to do. I just wanted you to know what I’ve noticed, and that I’m always here, no matter what.”

Friendship etiquette isn’t about being right. It’s about being there.

Support Without Pressure

You might want her to break up with him yesterday. But when someone feels pressured, they’re more likely to retreat even from the people who care most.

Instead, gently remind her of her worth: “You deserve someone who brings out your light, not dims it.”

Or: “If anything ever doesn’t feel right, you can always talk to me—no judgment, ever.”

Keep the door open. Let her know you’ll be a safe place when she’s ready.

What Not to Say (Even If It Feels Honest)

Avoid phrases like: “Everyone thinks he’s awful.”

“I’m not sticking around to watch this train-wreck.”

“I told you so.”

They may feel cathartic in the moment, but they can make your friend feel ashamed, embarrassed, or isolated. The very things that often keep someone stuck in a bad relationship.

Instead, offer dignity, even if you disagree.

And When to Go Further

Not all toxic relationships are unsafe, but some are. If you suspect emotional manipulation, isolation, or abuse, it’s okay to step in more assertively.

Say: “I care about you too much to ignore this. If you ever feel unsafe, I’ll help you figure out the next steps.”

Offer trusted resources. Encourage her to talk to a therapist. And let her know she’s not alone.

Friendship Isn’t Passive

There’s no one perfect way to navigate this, but there is a right posture: compassion over control, concern over criticism.

True friendship means saying the hard thing with a soft heart. Being willing to risk a little discomfort for someone else’s dignity.

Because sometimes, the most loving and kind thing we can do is speak up, gently. That’s etiquette at its bravest.

It’s not your relationship, but it is your responsibility to care.

If you have a question for a future Ask Alison segment, kindly email info@elevateetiquette.com.

Alison M. Cheperdak, J.D., is the founder of Elevate Etiquette, a consultancy where she teaches modern manners in a gracious and grounded way. She is the author of a forthcoming book, “Was It Something I Said? Everyday Etiquette to Avoid Awkward Moments in Relationships, Work, and Life.”