You Will Never Be “Just One Of The Guys”

Few people reflect fondly on their time in middle school. Navigating the social hierarchy felt like trying to decipher a foreign language. As young girls, the only thing we could think about was male attention. Every girl only wanted to be seen as pretty, normal, and dateable. Since the boys were also suffering their own changes in developments, they were often so intimidated by girls that many of them chose to play it safe and cling to their friends, as opposed to wading into the waters of flirtation and female pursuit. In response, some girls got creative and fashioned a type of loophole, one that allowed them to get close to the boys in a way that felt natural and free of pressure. They would try to convince the boys that they were no different from them, that they were simply one and the same.

In order to gain exclusive access to the male conversations and friend groups, you would only be accepted if you made sure they understood you were “not like the other girls.” You had to prove that you could keep up in locker-room talk, speak of women the way boys do, and offer men the same coveted access to how women think, in return. Wanting the same uncensored insight into the male mind, my twelve-year-old self fell victim to the notion. I thought if I could act and talk like a boy, I wouldn’t be that different. My mom, who grew up with rowdy brothers, spent a decade in the Army, and caught on to my methods, wasted no time nipping this in the bud. I don’t remember when she said this, but as soon as she did, I never forgot it: “You will never be ‘just one of the guys.’”

This type of girl finds herself close to many men, but none commit to her romantically, and for good reason.

I immediately felt both understood and embarrassed. As young girls, we want to fit in. This isn't a bad thing, but our desire to be known and loved can manifest itself in desperate, unbecoming ways without guidance and wisdom. I was blessed that my mom saw through my facade and taught me that being a lady, with grace and gentleness, would get me further in life than trying to be chummy with the boys. Sadly, many young girls were left behind in their masquerade. This technique became a back-pocket tool for some women, used well past middle school, into their adult lives. They started to see their social status and circle change as they continued to play the “I’m just one of the guys” card. Unfortunately, this tween mindset has real consequences for the women who try (and always fail) to paint themselves as “one of the guys.”

Many of these women claim that they “prefer male friendships to female ones,” they “feel more comfortable around men,” or that “girls never seem to like them.” This type of girl finds herself close to many men, but none commit to her romantically, and for good reason. So why is this one-liner so tempting for some women, and what are the repercussions for those who use it?

It’s easy to see why men would avoid a romantic relationship with a girl who portrays herself as another dude, despite permitting some of these women into their friend groups. Men like boundaries. Men like established territory. The reality of the “one of the guys” trope is that it prevents a man from ever being able to see you as his own, not shared by other men. This may offend some women off the bat, and many will hear “men want me as property,” but it's more genuine and wholesome than that. Think of it in the reverse. Imagine you find yourself attracted to a man who feels the same about you, except he has many close girl friends. You would be, undeniably and justifiably, uncomfortable with his female friendships. Even if he repeated to you over and over, “she’s like a sister to me,” “she would never see me in that way,” “I could never be attracted to her.” Knowing that your boyfriend is spending his time with and confiding in other women without you around would be wildly disrespectful. If you enter into a romantic relationship with a man and maintain these layered, private male friendships, how would that make your boyfriend feel? After getting married, I felt this tenfold. My husband and I worked full-time jobs before we had our first baby, so every moment of free time I had I wanted to spend with him. The idea that I would give up an evening with my husband to instead be with other male friends is unthinkable.

True platonic, male-female friendships are a myth.

Men also like loyalty. Which should be obvious; if you can’t guarantee loyalty in an intimate relationship, then on what grounds does your relationship stand? But it is by nature impossible to maintain loyalty to a husband and to other men, no matter how “friendly” you are. On the other hand, loyalty to a husband can exist alongside loyalty to girlfriends. When spouses argue, the wife can find solace in a trusted girlfriend about the fight, without ever having to consider the possibility of untoward motives. On the other hand, if a woman were to ask a male friend about his thoughts on her private marital disagreements, she would never be able to rule out the possibility that this male “friend” might have other incentives when offering consolation. And again, it would be deeply disrespectful towards your husband to offer secret insight into your relationship to another man. If your husband took to a female coworker to ask for her advice on how to handle nuptial troubles, you would (and should) be livid.

Another factor in establishing why women can never be just another guy is that true platonic, male-female friendships are a myth. They do not and will never exist. There’s a New Girl episode about this: Season 3, Episode 15. In this episode, Jess tries to convince Nick that people can become friends with their exes, and all the men in the loft agree that, sure, people can be friends with their exes: for sex. Jess is defiant and determined to prove to Nick that they’re wrong, so she invites her ex to come help prove her point. Except, when Jess’ ex arrives, it turns out he did in fact come on the assumption that Jess wanted to sleep with him. It's irrelevant how many times you say, “he’s like a brother to me,” “I would never look at him that way,” “I could never date him.” Unless he actually is your brother, the potential of your sexual relationship will never leave the table.

There’s a Jewish law that addresses this reality, called “Yichud,” which restricts men and women from being physically alone together, in private. Many will find this dramatic and unnecessary, and in doing so, they shrug off the sanctity of their marriage and the privacy of their love. And yet, those who desire to respect their spouse, to their face and behind their back, have no problem taking this custom seriously. It’s also worth noting that nothing bad can happen by adopting this practice; at worst, it's overly cautious. However, many marital tragedies have happened because people were all too trusting of themselves to be alone with someone else.

Men also prefer chaste, private, graceful women. It can seem like, with the laughter it elicits, that boys enjoy a girl with a foul mouth. Or with the attention it receives, maybe guys want a girl who can hang out without any other women around and unpack the taboo topics that are too offensive for any other setting. It can be truly enticing to be the only female in a pack like this, but the truth is that men almost always leave that environment praying their future wife is not spending her time this way. Men appreciate when a woman displays the most poised, mannered version of herself to his friends and family, and then can be her most natural, silly, sexy version of herself, only with him.

The difference between men and women, and the constant desire to be attractive to the opposite gender, exists whether people care to acknowledge it. You can claim that your male friends are just friends, “basically brothers,” until your face turns blue, but you'll be doing yourself two major disservices: you're dulling the things that actually make you magnetic, your softness, your grace, your sense of self, and making sure no man sees you as someone he'd marry, just a tactless extension of the group.

The constant desire to be attractive to the opposite gender exists whether people care to acknowledge it.

Women, no matter how hard they try, will never be one of the guys. But there is good news: if you've found yourself in such a position, where far too many men have started to pal around with you as if you were one of them, where women tend not to trust you, where you're wondering if you’ll ever be able to lock a man down, there is hope. The first step is to avoid conversations and banter with male friends that a future husband would find unsavory. This includes keeping quiet when men are talking about women in an ill-mannered way, staying out of the off-color jokes, and leaving the group chats in which you’re the only female. It also means it’s time to stop attending the hangouts, when you’re one of the only girls. Make an effort to find women who share your sense of humor and hobbies, and who encourage your natural feminine strengths.

It’s easy to crave the crude banter and the private conversations that happen only around men, but the short-lived rush of exclusive information and gossip can leave stains on your character, even if they're unseen. You will never be one of the guys. But you can be an intelligent, God-fearing, fascinating woman.