Why I Love Being A Hot Mom

Apparently, moms are not allowed to be hot. And not only are they not allowed to be hot—even if they are—they most assuredly are not supposed to enjoy it. No, according to trad wives, it’s exceedingly “vain and vapid” to even discuss such a thing. There is division among them, however, as to whether or not a mom can instead be “pretty” or “beautiful” (while still feeling a healthy dose of shame, of course), and even then, some dismiss this notion outright, claiming that encouraging others toward this aspirational goal is actually cruel and inhumane and that they’re not jealous at all. But since not all moms “bounce back,” no one should be discussing this topic openly. Least of all a mom who’s actually done it four times. But also, you should still be submissive to your husband and make yourself look exactly however he wants you to look—as long as it’s not hot, and as long as you don’t have to lose any weight. Because if you want to lose weight , it actually means you have an eating disorder. And that your husband is a pedophile. If you think I'm joking, dear reader, I am not. I’m not even exaggerating. All of these things have been said to me—and more—simply because I dared suggest that it was okay if a mom wanted to be hot. So, controversial as it may be, I love being a hot mom. I even plan on getting hotter. And no amount of ninny-nagging will ever change my mind. This is why. I Despise Mediocre Motherhood The body positivity movement has wrecked American moms. Scroll on Instagram for even two seconds and you’ll find reels of moms proudly displaying jiggling rolls, muffin tops, saddlebags, and cellulite overlaid with some uninspired, trite quote such as: “Love your body!”, “It’s just a body!”, “Your body is a gift!”, “Be unflattering!”, “You decide what’s hot!”, “Who cares what others think!”, “Eat the cheeseburger!” As you can see, no one in the body positivity sphere actually knows what they’re talking about because no single individual can even agree with themselves. The one thing they can agree on, however, is that their own children are perfectly suitable sacrificial scapegoats to carry the blame for their mother’s own lack of self-control, unattractiveness, and state of disease. I'm sorry, but I wholly reject the notion that once you become a mom , you transmogrify into a garden gnome. And I reject the notion that the only body you’re “ allowed ” to show off is a soft, flabby one. And I reject the magical thinking that suggests that once you become a mom, you can just pep-talk yourself into not caring about what other people think. We are so backwards now that when I posted a bikini selfie to show my progress as a hot mom, I got accused of doing a “body check,” yet my BMI is solidly within the “normal” range. Americans have forgotten that through controlling the body (easy), we can control the mind (very hard), and it shows. We are the heaviest we’ve ever been as a country, and I believe it’s directly correlated to the fact that being a mother who runs on coffee and cortisol is given a pat on the back and told she’s hashtag “relatable,” while moms who wake up at 5:30 a.m. to go on their hot girl walks are jeered at (it’s me, I’m moms). There are hundreds of videos of mothers cussing out their children, playing mean pranks on them, verbally and physically abusing them , and the comments are filled with other moms snickering right along. But you post a video of your meticulous planner? Your spotless car? Your workout routine in your cute matching set? Your homemade, non-toxic snack? You look like you have your life even remotely put together as a mom, and the mediocre moms will come for you like little snaggle-toothed piranhas. So yes, I suppose you could say a large part of me enjoys being a hot mom out of pure spite. I enjoy being hot because I’ve seen what the inside of the crab bucket has to offer . I didn’t like it, and I will throw a raging fit before I let anyone drag me in. It’s a Mindset The thing I love most about being a hot mom is probably the most important for you to understand: the hot mom movement is a mentality. There’s more to being a hot mom than appearance alone. If you want to become a hot mom, you first have to get inside her head. Being a hot mom may look different on everyone, but the hot mom culture is all the same: she’s health-conscious, she takes care of herself and her family, she’s collected, put together, and poised. She sees herself as valuable, so she doesn’t waste her own time, money, or energy. Her mind is not the equivalent of a trashed-out minivan with stale french fries in the car seats, 18 pairs of shoes rolling across the floorboards, and a raccoon behind the steering wheel. If you want to be a hot mom, you have to do what a hot mom does. And to do that, you have to think like a hot mom thinks. Do you need to lose weight but lack the self-control to abstain from sweets? Throw them out. They’re not serving you. They are not for you at this time and place in your journey. A hot mom creates an environment of success—and that environment starts with her mind. It’s Fun I love taking care of myself. I love my skincare and my supplements. Did I buy myself the $100 collagen powder ? Yes, yes I did. I have breastfed four babies and therefore saved our family around $10,000, if not more. I’m worth investing in. I love adrenal cocktails and raw carrot salads, and I love cute workout sets and going for my hot mom walks in them. I like the feeling of being empowered when I learn about how to not lose bone mass from breastfeeding, how to prevent incontinence, and heal my postpartum body. I’ve enjoyed the process of balancing my hormones with herbs, food , and exercise. These things are a genuine comfort to me because not only are they helping me look my best, they help me feel my best. They are ensuring I can show up for my kids in the best way possible, and not only can I run and play with them—I can look good doing it. I Have Fantastic Sex and I Have It Often Sex is just better when you know you’re hot. My husband has seen my body in all of its many forms and has loved me ardently through them all, but the best sex for me has always been, again, when I’m feeling my best. And I’m feeling my best when I’m not worried about my stomach pooch, jiggly thighs, or acne. I’m a lot less shy and a lot more willing. As I said, it hasn’t mattered how I’ve looked over the 10 years we’ve been married—my husband can’t keep his hands off me no matter what. As long as I’m not unhealthy, he doesn’t care. But I do. And to me, skinny sex is the best sex. Additionally, it’s hard to fully enjoy yourself when you’ve got pelvic floor weakness from pregnancy and birth. Working out, being a healthy weight, and getting flexible fixes that. Hot moms know how to pleasure-maxx. I’m Confident I know what feeling self-conscious feels like. I weighed 205 pounds on the day I gave birth to my fourth child. People would compliment me postpartum, and I had to talk myself down from thinking that maybe they were actually making fun of me. No amount of praise from my husband would sink in either. Every word would just bounce right off the extra fat I saw in my face, waist, and thighs. I wanted to believe him, I really did. But his compliments didn’t match what I saw in the mirror or how I felt inside. The truth of the matter is that I don’t feel like myself until I’m skinny again. I look my best when I’m skinny, and it’s okay to admit that. Most of us look better when we’re skinny. Now that I’ve lost the vast majority of the weight I wanted to, I love what I see in the mirror. I worked hard for it. I earned it. And when my husband compliments me, I light up, because I see it too. No one can take that away from me. It’s an Armor If you like what you present to the world, it doesn’t matter what some sorry, sad, chronically online gutter goblin says about you. People will perceive you however they like. They will judge you, and they will determine whether they like you or not based on the most inconsequential things. If a person is bound and determined to dislike you or misunderstand you, they will. So focus on yourself. If you like what you bring to the table, then that’s all that matters. Plus, jealous people swimming in denial will say all sorts of nasty, untrue things about you when you’re not there to defend yourself. But you know what’s nearly impossible to lie about? How hot you are. Sure, they may manage to get the words out, but in their heart, they know it’s a lie. And they have to live with all those little lies, like tiny grains of sand just beneath the surface of their skin. An itch they can never quite scratch. If that’s not hot mom justice, I don’t know what is. It Benefits My Sons Daughters marry men who are like their dads, and sons marry women who are like their moms. My sons not only watch how I care for myself—they see and feel the results . They notice how when Mom cares for herself, she’s a happier mom. She’s a fun mom. She’s not a mom who’s chronically cranky and disassociating. She’s happy and at peace with her life, so she’s engaged and loving. They notice when I dress up for my husband, and they call me a Disney Princess. They notice when I’m affectionate with him and how happy his attention makes me. They observe and experience, firsthand, a healthy relationship. They also seek out more affection from me when I’ve got some makeup and a dress on, so of course I give it to them. All of this is being imprinted on them. Their minds might not remember calling me “pretty mommy” or “princess,” but their nervous systems will . And when it comes time to find a wife, they will automatically search for one who’s healthy and takes good care of herself. I want to make this very clear here: this isn’t some creepy, emotional enmeshment unhinged-ness. This is biology and psychology at play. No matter what I do—whether I let myself go and get fat, or I’m skinny and put together—it’ll imprint on them either way. It’ll influence who they seek out as a wife either way. I, for one, would rather help my sons subconsciously choose a wife who takes care of herself, since a wife who cares for herself will become a mother who cares for her children. Caretaking is a learned skill, and we start with ourselves. It Benefits My Daughters The world will tell my daughters that life ends once they have children. I refuse to join in. Moms are the first advertisement for motherhood their daughters will ever see. They’re also the most enduring one. The question is: how strongly do I believe that motherhood is the most fulfilled and happiest a girl can be? If I truly believe this, why wouldn’t I do everything in my power to make this self-evident? Why wouldn’t I strive to go deeper than the surface-level aesthetics and live that truth? Every single day, by example, I am teaching my daughters how to be mothers. Over my dead body will they believe motherhood is to become some dried-up husk of a woman, or a dumpy grumpy mom, or a martyr mom, or some mild-mannered mouse of a mother who is undervalued and overworked. No, my daughters will be hot moms, secure in their own value and worth, and they’ll treat themselves accordingly. I want her to know that her aspirations, how she sees herself, her vision and zest for life, still matter once she becomes a mom. That being a mom will never conflict with who she is, but instead deepen and enrich it. You don’t stop being hot just because you became a mom. My daughters will learn how to care for themselves as a mother from me. And I want to make sure I provide them with all the tools necessary. My Husband Loves It As human beings, we all have our preferences. My husband has never said a single thing to me about my weight. He’s never pressured me one way or another. However, after four pregnancies now, I’ve started to notice something funny. Whenever I start losing the baby fat, my husband also starts to lose the “baby fat.” Whenever I start to hit the weights and the pavement, my husband hits the weights and pavement even harder than he was before. We both get hotter together. He sees it that way. I see it that way. Neither of us has ever said a word about it. We just make sure to generously compliment what we like and see in the other. And when I start coming into my own again, he always has lots to say. The Strange Compliments The mystique and intrigue that surrounds being a hot mom is free entertainment. Trad wives will accuse you of everything from faking your own timeline and pregnancies to being a CIA asset. Just think—you could be so hot that some people don’t even believe you’re real, like Bigfoot or unicorns. Being a hot mom means you are literally too hot for some people’s brains to even comprehend, so they have to make up legends and myths about you. And you get to sit back and watch it all unfold. I’m Healthy Sorry, mediocre moms, but intentionally losing weight does not mean I have an eating disorder. It’s funny how often hot and healthy are the same thing. Want long, beautiful hair and clear skin? You have to make sure you’re consuming enough vitamins and minerals. A healthy BMI will always set you apart in a good way. And if you want a snatched waist, toned arms, and a curvy butt? You’re going to have to work out to earn it. Getting hotter is all about getting healthier . Interestingly enough, physical health lends itself to mental health as well. They go hand in hand, so you’ll excuse me if I don’t want to have the body and disposition that suggests I spend my time beneath bridges thinking up riddles with which to entrap the weary travelers treading above. It Keeps Me Humble Since being a hot mom is my focus, I am achingly aware of my ugly moments. Snapping at my kids, not working as hard as I could have, being selfish—these are ugly mom moments, and we shun her. However, because I am so aware of my imperfections, it allows me to extend grace to others and recognize that, at the end of the day, most of us are just trying our best. I also know that I will never be the hottest mom—that title will never belong to me—and that’s okay. Recognizing that allows me to let go of ugly desperation and stinginess, and to focus on what I can actually accomplish and love. Hot moms are humble moms. Your kids are going to be your “reason” or your “excuse” in life either way. I’m not going to blame my kids for being a mediocre mom. It’s the most ridiculous, circular victim mindset I can think of. They deserve my best—and so do I. That’s why I’ll always love being a hot mom.