Why More Adults Are Cutting Off Contact With Their Parents

When was the last time you called your mom? Odds are you fall into either one of two camps: You called her an hour ago because you couldn’t remember where you parked your car, or you called her…maybe a month ago? Two months ago? Actually, we don’t talk anymore.

There may not have been a falling out, no polarizing political blow-up that made you draw hard boundaries, but the consistent demands of life may have drifted you apart from your parents. Before you know it, you know about just as much that’s going on in your parents’ lives as your high school best friend. But sometimes this estrangement is done on purpose, and it seems to be becoming more common to have no contact with your parents.

Estrangement Starts Here

College is often the start of a new chapter when it comes to your relationship with your parents, for better or for worse. Independence is an avenue that countless young people take advantage of their freshman year, with many firsts that were either restricted or simply unavailable under their parents’ roofs. Curfews, parental oversight, and expectations are on average over 90 miles away. 

Several recent studies suggest that more than one-quarter of young adults are estranged from one or both parents, or at least have been at some point, and men are slightly more likely to become estranged than women.

Clinical psychologist and expert in family estrangement, Dr. Joshua Coleman says that, most often, young adults cut off their parents because they're trying to have an experience of independence and strength that their helicopter smothering parents never provided them. 

Young adults often feel suffocated by the burden of their parents' emotional lives and frequent check-ins on their health, happiness, and grades. It’s also harder to set those boundaries today given social media and texting, whereas in the past, it was as simple as ignoring a phone call. Coleman, who authored Rules of Estrangement, goes so far as to say that he believes social media is actually feeding the estrangement trend.

Parents are also largely responsible when it comes to the prolonged adolescence we see in today’s youth, which is another contributing factor to the rebellious nature many young adults feel when they hit campus. 

Since around 2000, teens have become considerably less likely to drive, have an after-school job, and date. By the early 2010s, it also appeared that 12th graders were going out far less frequently than 8th graders did in the 1990s. The decline in adult activity was consistent across all populations, and not influenced by race, gender or location.

However, interestingly, the more likely explanation for this new extended adolescence is its relationship to affluence. The analysis found adolescents were more likely to take part in adult activities if they came from larger families or those with lower incomes.

When parents coddle their children too much, of course college is going to impact not only the way they see themselves in the world, but their relationships with their parents. But blame goes both ways…

A New(ish) Phenomena 

In the Ancient Greek epic The Odyssey, Odysseus returns home after his long travels. In the Bible, the Prodigal Son returns home to his father after his wayward journeys. Even Shakespeare incorporated the theme of the separation and rejoining of parents and children in several of his works.

Wendell Berry, American novelist and cultural critic, writes, “Our society, on the whole, has forgotten or repudiated the theme of return. Young people still grow up in rural families, and go off to the cities, not to return. But now it is felt that this is what they should do. Now the norm is to leave and not return.”

It’s only been in the past few decades that out-of-state colleges and universities have been readily accessible to students. In Europe, the majority of college students live at home throughout their collegiate years, whereas in America, that number drops dramatically. And as Berry pointed out above, these students often do not return home.

Berry continues, “Parents with children in school are likely to find themselves immediately separated from their children, and made useless to them, by the intervention of new educational techniques, technologies, methods and languages…‘educators’ tend to look upon the parents as a bad influence, and wish to take the children away from home as early as possible.”

This is where the trouble starts.

Cutting Them Off

Experts define the term “estrangement” as a situation in which someone cuts off all communication with one or more relatives, or a situation that continues for the long-term, even if those they’ve sought to split from try to re-establish a connection. Estrangement is not just being out of touch with your parents, but formally setting hard boundaries with them in terms of no interaction.

While estrangement can have its roots in college, it’s often a single event or a series of particular events that leads to this dramatic decision. Dr. Coleman writes, “The fact that estrangement between parents and their adult children seems to be on the rise – or at least is increasingly discussed – seems to be down to a complex web of cultural and psychological factors. And the trend raises plenty of questions about its impact on both individuals and society.”

There are several reasons, including a clash of values, an increased awareness of mental health, and the rise of individualism, to name a few.

Peg Streep, author of Daughter Detox: Recovering from an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life, writes, “I’d say that nearly all of the adults I’ve interviewed who are estranged are dealing with parental treatment – whether that’s marginalizing, ignoring, hypercriticizing, scapegoating, or anything else – that has been going on consistently since childhood and with which the adult child has struggled ever since.”

Is it worth cutting out the most important person in your life, though? Dr. Coleman shares, “The research shows that the majority of adult children say it was for the best.” They cite “improved mental health” and “perceived increased freedom,” but that same estrangement can “also create feelings of instability, humiliation, and stress.”

Berry adds that whereas before rebellion was part of growing-up, this lack of reconciliation amidst newfound emotional and economic independence can actually stall adolescence. What’s more, it points to a societal shift away from the traditional values and bonds of a family – a far cry away from the biblical adage, “Honor thy father and mother.” 

Closing Thoughts

I’ll never forget when my dad was hurt by a family member who refused to pay him back for a personal loan. He had written them a check during a moment of need, but when he began requesting for them to pay it back, he was met with silence. One night at dinner, he looked around at all of my siblings and firmly said, “This family does not keep secrets.” 

I think about the impact of that statement a lot, especially as I see so many families around me struggle and much of the suffering comes from lack of honesty. Clarity is charity, but sometimes this isn’t well-received, and finding yourself in a toxic relationship with a parent is a heartbreaking situation, no matter which way you swing it. But here’s hope: these rifts do not have to be forever, and many do heal after a period of time away.

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