Who Gets Over A Breakup Faster, Men Or Women?

There is one thing that every person who’s ever been in a relationship that didn’t work out can attest to: breakups are hard. Even the ones you yourself initiated. Even the ones you know are for the best. The end of a relationship is the termination of a future that you could’ve had with this person, the death of a romance that you had allowed to take root in your heart. It doesn’t matter if you cognitively know the relationship couldn’t have lasted; it’s still rough.

Not just because you can’t text the one person you want to text most in the world, or because you now have to sift through your social media to delete old photos together, or even because somehow everything reminds you of him – but also because now begins the long, arduous, often painful process of untangling your heart from his, healing, and moving on from the relationship.

One of the worst parts about getting over a breakup is that there’s no single path to success, no formula that will work perfectly every time for every breakup. And, of course, one of the things that can weigh heavily on your mind as you weather those first few post-breakup weeks is wondering whether he’s already over it. Has he moved on yet? Is he hurting the same way you are? Who will get to be the one who truthfully says “I’m over it” first?

Your assumption might be that men are more likely to heal from the end of a relationship first, but is that actually the case? Let’s look into it.

Who Actually Gets Over a Breakup Faster?

It certainly seems like guys get over breakups faster, right? While women are thawing out the ice cream, turning on sad girl music, and having a good cry, it often seems as though men will stoically accept the relationship’s end before quickly launching into a new romance, as if the breakup had no effect on him, as if the relationship hadn’t meant all that much to him. So, who actually moves on faster – men or women?

There are conflicting data on whether it’s typically men or women who move on from a breakup first because no man or woman will react exactly the same; there are, however, generalizations that can be made. One survey conducted by researchers at Binghamton University found that men reported feeling less emotional and physical pain after a breakup than women did. But, as the same survey pointed out, this doesn’t necessarily point to having gotten over it first – just that their emotional state in the immediate aftermath isn’t the same as ours.

Despite reporting more emotional lows and generally staying single for longer, women tend to recover from a breakup first.

What many researchers actually find is that, contrary to what we might assume, women will be the ones to recover from a breakup first – despite reporting more emotional lows and generally staying single for longer. But how exactly does that check out? Aren’t women supposedly the ones who are more invested in a relationship before it goes south for, you know, biological reasons? If women are often choosier when picking a mate, wouldn’t it make more sense for them to take longer than men to get over the loss of a love connection and potential future?

Yes, but it’s actually their greater pain right after a breakup, among other things, that may lead to a more holistic healing process that puts them past the “over it” finish line before their male counterparts.

Women Are More Likely To Lean on Others

We can all picture it: the freshly single woman who calls her closest friends over for a movie night in, where she can eat chocolate and vent and feel less alone. The phrases “He has no idea what he’s giving up” and “You were too good for him anyway” are uttered at least once, a bottle of wine is opened as they listen to the details of the breakup, and perhaps even a breakup anthem is sung. Before long, she’s seeing a counselor, per her sister’s suggestion, processing her heartbreak and finding her way forward. 

And as for the man? Well, he might mention it to his friends, but there’s a reason we don’t immediately think of a guy’s closest friends coming over with sweet treats and feel-good movies and self-care spa treatments to make him feel better – this just isn’t part of the typical process for men going through breakups. Instead, they may attempt to distract themselves from their heartbreak, or even deny or rationalize their feelings.

Dr. Paul Hokemeyer, a marriage and family therapist and author, explains that women going through heartbreak will often go to exterior sources to find healing, while men will turn inward in those first post-breakup weeks. “Men go in, and women go out,” Dr. Hokemeyer says. “Women…talk to their best friends and seek outside help. Through this process, they allow their limbic system to recalibrate and integrate the experience emotionally, rather than intellectually.” So while many men might think about the breakup, women may instead feel about the breakup.

They May Be More Skilled at Processing Their Emotions

Another way that men and women will frequently handle a breakup differently? He might not have much to say about it, while she’ll most definitely want to talk about it. We’ll sift through the details of the breakup and the weeks leading up to it countless times with our friends, call our mom to get her thoughts on the situation, and spend months working through it with a therapist. And for those who aren’t quite as talkative, journaling tends to come in pretty handy.

While this isn’t true of every man, studies confirm that it’s less common for men to share their struggles of mental and emotional health, personal feelings, and intimate thoughts, even with people they consider a part of their inner circle. There are a myriad of reasons this might be. Men are often raised to stuff their emotions down and toughen up, while women are encouraged to discuss their pain freely. According to a study from the University of Missouri that involved over 2,000 school-aged children, the boys reported simply not seeing the point in talking about their feelings. “Men may be more likely to think talking about problems will make the problems feel bigger and engaging in different activities will take their minds off of the problem. Men may just not be coming from the same place as their partners,” says Dr. Amanda Rose, who led the study.

Voicing the emotions that are just beneath the surface can help us heal from a breakup more quickly than pretending those feelings don’t exist at all.

And yet, fruitless as it may seem to those men, the simple act of voicing – or even writing about – the emotions that are just beneath the surface can actually help us heal from a breakup more quickly than pretending those feelings don’t exist at all. “When we give words to our emotions, we move away from limbic reactivity by activating those parts of the brain that deal with language and meaning in the right ventrolateral prefrontal cortex,” writes Diane E. Dreher, PhD for Psychology Today.

They’re Also More Likely To Take Their Time

While this isn’t the case for every man and woman, studies find that when it comes to those first few weeks and months after a breakup, men are more likely to get into a rebound relationship first. Why would they want to start a brand new relationship immediately after ending one? To distract themselves from the pain that comes with facing heartache head-on. “The ‘honeymoon period’ that accompanies the onset of a new relationship might also help to push unpleasant emotions and memories into the background, offering a person a new set of ideas and emotions to fixate upon,” writes Claudia C. Brumbaugh from the Department of Psychology, Queens College.

Women, on the other hand, are more apt to pour their energy into a post-breakup glow-up. Whether they decide to hit the gym, change up their hairstyle, or get serious about skincare, it’s not uncommon for women to focus much of their energy on themselves and feeling better about themselves without him than anything else.

Men might move on faster externally speaking, but studies point to them actually needing more time to fully recover from a breakup than women do. Not because women aren’t as invested, but because their post-breakup tactics are often more helpful and effective in the long run, even if they’re less comfortable in the moment. Of course, every man and woman will react to a breakup differently, and there are plenty of men whose response is healthier. But generally speaking, women’s reliance on community, willingness to name their pain, and longer wait time in between relationships is a recipe for actually moving on.