What To Do When Discernment In Dating Becomes Demanding Perfection

While it’s true that some women need the advice to employ more discernment in their romantic lives, sometimes, discernment gets used as a catch-all, primarily in conservative circles. Please don’t mistake me – I am very aware that true discernment has saved many a girl from a disastrous love affair. I am simply advocating that we do away with faux “discernment” – the kind that transforms careful young women into critical and overly paranoid girlfriends. 

How Discernment Turns Sour

We're all told to be discerning within dating relationships – and this is absolutely necessary advice. There are too many women who are thoughtless in their romantic lives and pay the price with unnecessary broken hearts or deep regret over emotional and sexual experiences. There are bad men out there, and there are also good men who aren’t a logical or healthy match for us. But often, we aren't warned that constant introspection and “discernment” can begin to devolve into a critical demand for a perfect partner. 

I’ve realized in my own life that often what begins as discernment can become an excuse for selfishness. When you're a woman pursuing a serious and committed relationship, the pressure can feel overwhelming. We're told to be discerning and careful. But sometimes, in our pursuit of discernment, we can start to become self-absorbed as healthy discernment about character, compatibility, and attraction begins to morph into an assessment of whether or not our boyfriend is living up to the internal (and often idealistic) expectations we have in our heads.

For instance, I am dating a kind, attentive, handsome, protective, encouraging, sweet, strong, and supportive boyfriend whose faith I have witnessed and whose character I trust. And yet, my slightly OCD brain often spirals into chaos, all in the name of “discernment.” 

I realized recently that so much of the anxiety I have had in my stable, committed relationship has stemmed from my own constant questioning of whether or not I feel the way I always envisioned I would, instead of actually practicing discernment about the quality and health of the relationship as it exists. I find myself elated when my boyfriend does things that, in my mind, qualify as movie-worthy romantic gestures, and I feel stressed when he doesn't respond to my hopes or needs in a way that I would prefer. Instead of practicing discernment within a human relationship, I find myself silently demanding a paradigm that doesn't actually exist. 

When my boyfriend does something that satisfies my romcom-addled brain, I feel secure and content. When he says something in public that I find embarrassing or when he tries to comfort me but I don’t feel perfectly understood, it’s all too easy to feel critical in the name of “discerning if the relationship is healthy.” I watch my friends as they date sweet, funny, imperfect men, and I don’t think twice when their boyfriends say something embarrassing in a group setting or don’t look entirely put-together. Still, I can quickly spiral into criticism when my boyfriend doesn’t act the way I would. I end up inadvertently expecting my boyfriend to be like me, instead of asking him to be the best version of himself. Ultimately, I am and should be grateful my boyfriend is a man, not a boy who does everything the way his girlfriend would want him to.

I have learned that the impossible standard I all too often hold for myself cannot be the measuring stick I wield against my boyfriend.

I realize that a large part of the problem is that we can begin to take on our boyfriend’s presentation as a reflection of our own. And if they do not meet our own inner critic, we begin to assume that there is something wrong with the entire relationship. Instead, I have learned that the impossible standard I all too often hold for myself cannot be the measuring stick I wield against my boyfriend. If I know that the voice in my head that tells me I need to be perfect is delusional and harmful, then I am foolish when I persist in allowing that same voice to plant seeds of doubt about someone I love so deeply. And not only this, but what begins as discernment can spiral into pride as we desire to control other people’s perception of our relationship or boyfriend to protect our own ego and self-image. 

Now might be a good time to clarify: I’m by no means suggesting that we should not have standards and that we can’t have preferences. I am, however, suggesting that sometimes, we forget to leave our idealism at the door, and we mistake our self-centered desires for honest discernment. I wonder how many of us would realize that we’ve used discernment as a shield for bad attitudes, spirals of fear and uncertainty, and even unintentional selfishness. In my own life, that mainly looks like a steady stream of introspection and asking myself if I am “happy enough” in my relationship. But when I really think about my own heart, I know I am an idealist, and the answer is that I am constantly striving for perfection in my own life, and projecting that perfectionism onto my relationship is a guaranteed way to breed discontentment. 

Real Discernment Works To Pierce Through Idealism and Find the Truth

So, we’ve established that what we’d like to believe is always discernment can also degrade into a desire for control or perfection. How do we toe the line between discernment and selfishness? I’d suggest five mindset shifts: 

First off, practice gratitude. Be thankful for and notice the sweet, caring, and praiseworthy aspects of your boyfriend. If you’ve gotten into the habit of being critical and demanding, stop and dwell on something you love about him. 

Secondly, distinguish between preferences and red flags/dealbreakers. It’s not bad to have preferences, but if you’re anything like me, even if you had a boyfriend who met all your criteria, you would still find something else to demand. However, if the deeper problem is you don’t trust your boyfriend or you have reason to think he isn’t a good man, then you obviously need to have a different conversation with yourself, so knowing the difference between red flags and preferences is important. 

To follow the point above, write down all the things that are healthy, beautiful, and true about your relationship. Also, write down any red flags, concerns, or gut feelings you may notice. Remember that every relationship has flaws, baggage, regrets, and immaturities,  and the mere existence of those things indicates your humanity, not impending disaster. Still, you need to decide if the particular areas of weakness in your relationship are worth working through or if it is time to consider parting ways. If you realize that your relationship contains any elements of abuse, neglect, or coercion, then it’s time to consider getting serious help and to find a way out. But if you realize that the downsides of your relationship are simply normal human frustrations, then it’s time to have an honest conversation with yourself about what compromises you’re willing to make, how you may contribute to any dynamics that might annoy you, and if the relationship is worth continuing to fight for and pursue. 

Think about the ways your boyfriend cherishes you and sacrifices for you despite your many flaws.

We also need to have some humility. Realize that you are not the most loveable, perfect person to ever exist. Think about the ways your boyfriend cherishes you and sacrifices for you despite your many flaws. This has been very convicting for yours truly as I walk through my own challenges and struggles in this area. The steady love and sweet care I experience from my boyfriend, even when I’m emotional or uncertain, is truly humbling. 

Lastly, seek wise counsel – get other people in your life involved. While it would not be wise to get advice from everyone in your life (the cacophony of different opinions might be overwhelming!), it’s nevertheless prudent to seek the input of people you love and trust. The steady voices of people close to me have often reminded me of how many reasons I have to be grateful for my relationship. 

While this is not an exhaustive list of ways to practice discernment in your relationship, it has been helpful in my own life. 

Closing Thoughts

When we realize the advice to be careful and discerning can lead to unintentional selfishness, we should stop and carefully assess whether we've raised our own fears, hopes, and expectations of fulfillment to the level of ultimate importance. It can take time, but if we're looking for a healthy and committed relationship, we need to learn grace and patience – and maybe a little bit of humility too. 

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