What I Learned From Two Natural Miscarriages

Here’s what I’ve learned from taking that route twice.

Pre-grief is Normal as You Wait for Your Lost Baby to Arrive

Many women who miscarry naturally have a confirmed loss by ultrasound sometime before they deliver their baby. Often the heartbreaking news is followed by several days or even weeks of waiting to miscarry. During this time, your placenta may continue to grow, increasing the amount of material you will eventually need to eliminate. Unfortunately, this also can prolong the feeling that you are carrying a healthy baby. The mental adjustment and emotional waiting period is excruciating. You may find yourself spending most of it in denial. 

When I first walked through this, I was surprised to find that once I accepted the reality of my baby’s passing, I grieved the child I had lost as opposed to the child I could have had. Prior to my own experience, I had always imagined miscarriages as a sort of “false start” to a baby. While it is true that there is grief over lost potential, as when any loved one dies before we are ready to see them go, it is also true that you will grieve what you had: a son or daughter with a unique genetic code, personality, and soul. Miscarried babies are not less than human.

On a practical note: during this period, it’s hard to know whether to stay home in case of miscarrying or maintain your normal routines until it happens. One way to balance this dilemma is to stash your car with an in-case-of-miscarriage bag. While it will be emotionally taxing to gather up items for this instead of for your hospital tote, having supplies in your car will give you the freedom to continue at least some of your normal routine, should you so desire that. In addition to one or two extra changes of clothes, be sure to pack pads, towels, and a water bottle or gatorade. You may even want to include an emergency contact sheet with your husband’s name and phone number, your hospital phone number, etc. Once you begin bleeding or cramping, miscarriage is imminent within 24 to 48 hours. It’s probably best to hunker down after you notice these signs, and if they are your first indication of a possible miscarriage, call your provider to rule out other causes of the symptoms. 

Miscarrying Naturally is a Mini Labor and Delivery

When you eventually deliver, it will be a singular event: more like labor, less like a period. The duration can vary from a few minutes to a few hours. You may ease into it with light bleeding, or you may deliver all at once with no warning sign other than cramping. Most women miscarry in the shower, in the bathtub, or on a toilet. If you have a choice, I’d recommend a bathtub, since it’ll contain the mess and give you the freedom to sit, lie down, or stand. Miscarrying in a bathtub also gives you easier access to the material you deliver, including the amniotic sac with the baby, should you desire to examine these. 

Regardless of where you deliver, the pain and blood loss can make you feel very lightheaded. Be careful not to stand too quickly during or after miscarrying, and be sure to drink water throughout the event or immediately afterwards. You will know the miscarriage is coming to a close when your cramping subsides and when you deliver all parts of the pregnancy, including the amniotic sac and placenta. While it can be hard to identify these definitively since everything is underdeveloped, you will likely be able to spot the placenta because it is a thicker, more fibrous tissue than the normal period-like clots. It sometimes has an umbilical cord connected. Just as in labor and delivery, you do need to deliver a full placenta. Gushes of blood after miscarrying may indicate a partially or fully retained placenta, and it’s important to keep your provider informed if you suspect any retained material. 

Even with a First Trimester Loss, You Will Likely Deliver a Physical Child 

The first time I miscarried at 16 weeks, the doctor didn't tell me I would deliver a fully formed baby. Instead, I listened in the dark ultrasound room as he explained the process of natural miscarriage. “You’ll deliver some clots and tissue,” he said, searching for words as if he hadn’t had this conversation many times over. “There will be some cramping. It’ll be a bit like a heavy period.” Thankfully, a friend who had twice miscarried showed up later that week at my doorstep with chocolate, flowers, and an honest rundown. “You’re going to deliver a baby,” she leveled gently. “So you’ll probably want to decide ahead of time what you’re going to do with the body.” At Bible study later in the week, a caring leader who had walked a similar road pulled me aside and delivered the same message: there was a child inside me that would soon be delivered. I should prepare. 

For those of you in a similar boat, it’s helpful to know your options. In most states, a fetal death certificate is not required for babies lost before 20 weeks gestation. That leaves you with a decision: you can bury the baby, cremate the baby, or even send the body away for genetic testing. Miscarriage testing can be helpful if you want to rule out chromosomal abnormalities or other suspected pathology. Personally, I just wanted to bury my little ones as I would any other loved ones – placing all unanswered questions in the hands of their Maker. 

Whatever you lean towards, be sure to run it by your husband ahead of time if possible, and also take time to plan his role in the process. You may consider a small celebration of life or burial ceremony either as a couple or with close friends and family. Maybe there’s a tangible remembrance that would be helpful for you as you grieve: a necklace, ornament, or figurine that would always remind you of this season and loss. If you’re a musician or writer, consider penning a song or poem. A gardener? Plant a tree, perhaps where your little one is laid to rest. If you know your baby’s gender and want to name him or her, this can be a comfort as well. Even if you couldn’t tell the gender or didn’t wish to know it, you may consider choosing a gender-neutral name to remember your little one by through the years. The more you acknowledge the personhood of your baby, the better you’ll be able to grieve your loss and celebrate his or her life. 

It’s Important to Monitor Your Physical Recovery

During the physical recovery period, which can take several weeks, you will bleed similarly to a normal period. Especially in the first couple days, your muscles may feel weak, and you may find yourself out of breath quickly. This is normal, as your blood volume has taken an unexpected hit. Focus on building back blood supply through iron rich foods such as spinach and red meat. Even better: get yourself a stack of dark chocolate bars. Watch too for signs of infection after miscarrying. These include high fever, uterine pain, increased bleeding, and a foul smell. If you feel at all unsure of your health, give your provider a call. In my case, there were a couple times I just needed reassurance from my midwife that all was well. After all, nothing is really well during a miscarriage, so it can be hard to determine deviance from the acceptable norm. 

Initially, I wanted very much to heal physically in solitude and begin to process this grief with my husband only. If you experience that desire, don’t be afraid to let people know you need a little space at first. When you’re ready, reach out to friends and family, even if you just need some practical assistance around the house. Whether you have older children to attend to or a rigorous work schedule that doesn’t subside with sorrow, you will quickly find that life has a way of chugging right along: sometimes helpfully, sometimes hurtfully. People want to help. Let them bring you a meal, throw in your laundry, or take the kids for an hour or two. As for you? Take a nap. Cry it out. Give yourself time. You’ll really need these things. 

You Will Experience a Mixed Bag of Emotions

Get ready: miscarriage has a tendency to mess with your emotions even more than monthly cycles and pregnancy. Miscarriage loss has a deeply physical component to it. Your body is hormonally wacky during pregnancy already. A miscarriage opens the endocrine engine full throttle, all while you’re dealing with unexpected grief. Give yourself grace here. Remember that a range of emotions, while not always welcomed, is understandable. 

And friend? Remember that this is not your fault. Sure, you probably could have cut out caffeine completely during the pregnancy. Yes, you might have accidentally had a glass of wine before you knew you were expecting. True, you were trying not to get pregnant in the first place and weren’t immediately thrilled when you learned a baby was coming. But no, those are not the reasons you lost your child. Those are just guilt creeping its way into your recovery. 

In the earliest days after miscarrying, I found myself fighting raw emotion even as I tried to look forward. The relief that follows delivery turned into guilt that I shouldn’t have delivered. The joy of a shrinking tummy turned to anger at my body for getting things wrong. In extreme moments, I even found myself being frustrated at the baby. All that work for nothing, came the thought. In these confusing, painful times, remind yourself of what is true. Your body is made to grow babies, but it’s not perfect. Brokenness sometimes persists. The hardest truth is that you will probably never know why you lost your baby, and this is one of those mysteries you’ll have to reckon with in your own time and way. 

Every life impacts eternity. You had this baby for a reason, even if the baby’s creator is the only one who knows what it is. As much as you are able, celebrate the life this baby had. You were and are this child’s mother, and for that you can give thanks – even in deepest grief and unanswered questions. 

There is Hope After Miscarriage 

You are not alone. You are not permanently broken. This is not the end. When you’re able, revisit some of the things that bring you simple joys: meander along a local nature trail, pick up your favorite book, sing through your favorite playlist. Your little one is gone, but the road is still before you. It is not wrong to move forward, and you can do so without leaving your sweet baby behind. 

This is life: beginnings, endings, and everything in between. Give your husband an extra squeeze. Call your parents just to chat. Cherish the people you have, and look forward to the ones you’ll someday meet. Regardless of what comes next for you, this is the path you’re on right now. Maybe someday you will lend a shoulder to another miscarrying friend who needs it. In the meantime, grace and peace be yours, mama. You are loved.