We Need To Talk About Toxic Older Women In The Workplace

There’s no doubt that women have made a lot of strides in the workplace over the last 50 or so years. It used to be that women were relegated to working as secretaries, assistants, or typists, but now it’s not uncommon to see female CEOs, entrepreneurs, and founders. 

Part of this revolution is thanks to the girlboss movement, which, although not without its own issues, helped women gain confidence at work and feel comfortable speaking up and advocating for themselves in a male-dominated environment. There was a time when men (and society at large) didn’t view women as equal in the workplace, and that view needed to be upended. 

The girlboss movement was all about championing women in the workplace and creating more professional opportunities for them. Thankfully, we now have a much more equal office environment, but that doesn’t mean it’s all smooth sailing for women in the workplace now. 

The term “toxic environment” is thrown around a lot these days in reference to office politics, and while it’s likely overused, it’s not without merit. Having to work hard isn’t necessarily indicative of a toxic workplace, but bullying, unfairness, and hostility are. We all have stories from at least one job about that awful coworker who seemed to hate us for no reason at all. 

Workplace toxicity is frustrating and degrading and makes it impossible for you to do your best work. To make matters worse, there seems to be a growing trend where the ones creating toxic environments for young women in the workplace are actually other, older women. 

The very women who are supposed to be serving as mentors and role models are actually undermining their success. So why in the world is this happening?

Why Are Older Women Sometimes Toxic?

Let me preface this by saying that we’re obviously not talking about all older women here. Many older women are wonderful to work with and serve as kind and inspirational leaders and mentors for younger women. However, two things can be true at once. Yes, some older female coworkers are wonderful, but some older women prefer to undermine younger women at work rather than help them succeed. 

I wrote an article last year about why a lot of women prefer working for male bosses rather than female bosses. In it, I discussed a 2016 study with 11,600 participants , which found that women were less satisfied with their jobs when they reported to female bosses, whereas men showed no difference in job satisfaction based on their boss’s gender. 

One reason for this is the fact that (due to a range of biological factors discussed in the article) competition often erodes female relationships. Men can compete with each other and then go right back to being friends, but that is much more difficult – if not impossible – for women to do. 

While many workplaces attempt to gin up the “we’re all on the same team” camaraderie, the truth is that the office is an inherently competitive environment. Whether we openly discuss it or not, we’re all competing for raises, promotions, and the admiration of our superiors. 

Part of the issue with the girlboss movement was that it caused many women to see their careers as the most important part of their lives. Doing well in the workplace was seen as more important than what was going on at home. Why would you want to be a mother when you could be a CEO? 

Women were encouraged to delay or completely forego starting a family because it would only get in the way of career success. Many women bought into that idea, and it’s created a generation of childless older women in the workplace. Again, this is not to say that all childless women are bad. Of course that is not true. I’m well aware that many factors go into a woman not having children. Maybe she genuinely doesn’t want them, or she never met anyone, or she struggled with fertility issues. We can be understanding of and sympathetic to all of those reasons while still acknowledging that one of the downsides of the feminist movement was women believing that their careers were the most important things in their lives. Work is important, yes, but there is so much more to life than your job. 

Queen Bee Syndrome

When your job is everything and your only source of meaning and purpose, the stakes are automatically higher, which might make women in the workplace do everything in their power to retain their status – even if it means treating those around them unfairly. Often referred to as “Queen Bee Syndrome,” this is sadly a common phenomenon, where older women in more senior positions feel threatened by their younger counterparts and seek to undermine their success.

Back in My Day…

In addition to Queen Bee Syndrome, another factor at play here is what I’m dubbing the “back in my day” scenario. Older women in the workplace rose up the ranks in a different time. For many of them this was in an age before the era of girlbosses, where women were genuinely discriminated against in the workplace and they had to endure bullying and unfair treatment on a regular basis – typically from men. 

Now that there’s much more equality among the genders and the glass ceiling has essentially disappeared, there might be some lingering resentment among these older generations of women. It was hard for them to get where they are now, and they might view younger women as having it too easy. 

Alternatively, maybe they don’t even realize they’re doing it and simply believe this is the way bosses should act because it’s all they ever experienced. When you’ve never seen or experienced positive leadership at work, you might think negativity is the best way to get things done. 

The Drawbacks of “Doing it All”

Not all older women in the workplace are childless, of course. Many women chose to continue pursuing their careers while also starting a family. Now they really are doing it all – taking care of the kids, working full-time, and trying to maintain some semblance of a social life. While doing it all is admirable, it does take a toll on your mental and emotional well-being. 

The fact is that even working women are often still taking on the brunt of childcare and household tasks, which puts undue amounts of stress on them. When you’re that stressed out and burned out, it’s natural to need an outlet for your frustration, and some women might see young, inexperienced female co-workers as an easy target. Is this fair? Of course not, but understanding where some of this toxicity is coming from is the key to determining what you’re going to do about it. 

How To Deal with Workplace Toxicity

If you’re currently dealing with an older woman (or really anyone) who’s creating a toxic environment at work, hopefully, the things we’ve discussed so far in this article help shed some light on where her toxicity might be coming from. There are different ways you could try to handle the situation depending on what seems to be driving her negative behavior. 

For example, if she is just stressed from taking on too much, you could offer to help her out with her work responsibilities to see if there’s anything you can take off her plate. If she’s a “back in my day” gal, you could ask her to grab a coffee and seek advice about how she got to her position of prominence. Making her feel seen, heard, and respected in this way will show her that you’re serious about your job and working hard, just like she is. 

Queen Bee Syndrome is the toughest of them all to deal with, however, because it’s rooted in the most insincere form of resentment. You could try ignoring her, killing her with kindness, or simply refusing to engage when she’s openly hostile towards you. However, the best course of action might be to go to HR and explain the situation. 

HR should be seen as a last resort because it will elevate the issue, but if you’ve tried everything else and this co-worker is still making your work life difficult, then it’s the right thing to do. 

Closing Thoughts

Dealing with workplace toxicity is always frustrating, but it’s even more frustrating when the toxicity is coming from someone who should serve as a positive mentor and role model in your professional life. The one thing you should not do in this situation is fight fire with fire. She’s treating you unfairly, yes, but giving that unfair hostility right back to her is never the right way to go. The best thing you can do is take the high road, refuse to engage, and remain professional. Maybe, if you’re lucky, she’ll actually end up learning something from you about how to act at work.

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