This “Red Dress Test” Is Breaking The Internet

Pastor Tom Buck dropped a social media bomb with a poll asking, "If a husband tells his wife that he wants her to wear a red dress every day, is she to submit to his authority and obey?" 

Predictably, the internet delivered a spectacle: patriarchal bros championing absolute obedience, feminists bringing out their worn-out copies of The Handmaid's Tale, and a few sane voices trying to unpack the real question—what does male leadership look like in practice?

“It’s Just Like a Uniform”

Some supporters of the "yes" camp drew comparisons like this: "A male boss can require a uniform at work as a condition for wages. Why is a husband, who provides for all her needs, a tyrant for doing the same at home?"

Interesting point, but let’s not skip over the massive difference between workplace dynamics and a marriage. A job is transactional: follow the dress code, earn a paycheck. Marriage? It’s supposed to be a partnership built on love, respect, and mutual flourishing—not a salary-for-submission exchange.

That said, if the mere suggestion of a husband expressing a preference for how his wife dresses sends someone into meltdown mode, it might reveal deeper dysfunction—perhaps a resistance to healthy interdependence or a skewed view of male leadership. After all, appreciating your man's preferences doesn’t have to mean surrendering your autonomy. It’s about balance, not battle lines.

"Abuse!"

Which brings us to the women shouting “abuse!”—a reaction that swings to the opposite extreme of the hysteria spectrum. Sure, Buck’s poll was vague enough to leave room for interpretation, and one could imagine scenarios where a demand like this could be part of a broader pattern of control. But let’s be a little more reasonable: asking your wife to wear a red dress and abusing her are two different things.

Throwing the term “abuse” around so casually cheapens its meaning and distracts from real, harmful situations. It’s unhelpfully extreme, turning what could be a conversation about healthy dynamics into a shouting match. Not every preference or request is oppression, and framing it that way doesn't help.

The Actual Point

Was Buck trying to be provocative? At first glance, maybe. But a deeper dive into his commentary suggests otherwise, at least to me. His goal wasn’t to argue that wives must obey every whim, but to highlight how male leadership is often misunderstood.

Leadership isn’t a license for trivial demands, and submission doesn’t mean blind obedience. Buck seems to be critiquing a shallow view of leadership—one that mistakes control for the real thing. The red dress scenario exposes the absurdity of wielding authority without wisdom or love.

A strong marriage isn’t about who controls the dress code; it’s about each person embracing their unique roles. When a man leads with love and sacrifice, and a woman responds with trust and enthusiasm, that’s where a marriage thrives.

So, if you’re arguing over a red dress, you might already be missing the bigger picture. The more important question might not be whether a wife should wear it—it’s what kind of man needs to demand it instead of inspiring her to wear it willingly because she wants to please him. In other words, maybe it's not an "respect" issue but rather a skill issue.

When Leadership Becomes Tyranny

Some patriarchy enthusiasts love their rigid rules, but they often miss the essence of true leadership. Leadership isn’t about barking orders—it’s about taking responsibility, earning trust, and inspiring respect through action. Unfortunately, some see leadership as an entitlement, believing that simply being a man guarantees authority, regardless of effort, wisdom, or sacrifice. That’s not real leadership; that’s laziness.

True manhood isn’t handed out—it’s forged through hardship, accountability, and sacrificial love. A man who leads well doesn’t need to coerce his wife into submission; she willingly follows because she knows he’s looking out for her best interests.

Imagine this scenario: instead of issuing a decree, the husband buys his wife a red dress because he thinks she’d look stunning in it. He plans a romantic evening. Would his wife feel compelled to wear it? Probably not. Would she want to wear it? Almost certainly. That’s the difference between leadership rooted in love versus leadership rooted in entitlement. A husband’s leadership should draw his wife in, not push her away.

Let’s not forget that men and women are beautifully different by design. Ignoring these differences—whether through rigid rules or egalitarian erasure—robs marriages of their potential for beauty and strength. The goal isn’t for wives to follow their husbands out of obligation, but for husbands to lead so well that their wives want to follow.

Leadership isn’t about lists of rules—it’s about character. When men embrace their role with humility and love, they don’t have to demand respect. It’s freely given, and that’s what makes a marriage thrive.