The Real Reason Masculine Men Aren't Interested In Marrying You

These women are gorgeous. Most of them have perfect BMIs. They are virgins and would make great mothers. They’re smart, witty, and kind-hearted. They’re everything that makes a dream woman. They know it, and it’s gotten to their head. They remain unmarried, but they’re confident of their worth and they aren’t settling. They have standards. 

These “standards” are subtle red flags, so sweetly disguised that a decent man hungry for love might overlook them at the start. But if he becomes entangled through matrimony he’ll eventually find himself resenting his wife, unable to express just why. He will come to hate himself, thinking he is the problem. He might start drinking too much, and become a real problem for the family finances. A vicious cycle is created. A woman in that situation will start to bemoan her situation, wondering how she missed the warning signs. She of course never questions if perhaps she was the one who failed. When she files for divorce she is convinced that she alone is the victim. 

These women want a masculine man who will give them the world, but they aren’t willing to follow him to the ends of the earth. They have a long list detailing how such a man will prove himself. But they aren’t usually willing to put in any work themselves. He must be a man according to their standards, but if he dares question their femininity they are outraged.

I don’t believe these women are unredeemable. But when men hear women speak this way, they turn and run. It’s almost easier to deal with slattern women who admit their sins than a woman who is inflexible. If a woman is capable of introspection, she can easily soften her heart to become the best possible wife for a high calibre man. 

Here are 3 things you may be saying that are considered a red flag to a good, masculine man:

“I would never marry a man who expects me to change for him in any way.” 

There’s a terrible misconception that if two people marry, they should not change for each other. This defeats the entire purpose of marriage. Ideally two people will change and grow, challenging one another to become better versions of themselves throughout the years. In a healthy marriage, your spouse will want you to change both for the sake of the relationship and for your own sake. I’ve noticed couples in marriages that last the longest often express how they’re not the same person they were when they married, but that growth together is what makes them beautiful to behold. 

These changes couples ask of each other should be both internal and external. Through kind exhortation and honest encouragement they should be able to guide each other to a more virtuous lifestyle and draw closer to God. If they truly love and trust each other, this will cause them to have deeper intimacy and become better neighbors and Christians. But this won’t end with spiritual works. They should also encourage each other to be tidier, to eat healthier, and to exercise often. 

I think many might agree with this, but a disconnect often occurs when a man begins to ask his wife to wear prettier clothes. Even if the wife unabashedly instructs her husband on how to trim his beard, cut his hair, or what clothes he may or may not wear, she’ll insist that he has no business asking her to keep her hair long or to slip into a pretty dress rather than a t-shirt and jeans. I’ve met many men who resent the fact that their wives want them to be more masculine while not willing to be feminine. Quite a few of the men I’ve tried to set up with friends of mine were immediately deterred when they confessed to them, “I’ll never wear a dress” while offering up some excuse about how that’s just not who they are, as if clothes somehow define their identity (another mistake women often make). 

The point here isn’t that all men want women to wear dresses or grow their hair out. Many men don’t care what their girlfriends or wives wear. Men are bothered, though, by the attitude of, “I would never wear something nice for you.” The man feels disrespected and reads between the lines: this woman is not a supportive companion, nor would she submit to his leadership.

“I would never move for a man, and I won’t give up my career unless we have kids.”

Of course, a woman should never move for a man before they marry, but starting a conversation out this way is a major red flag for men in search of a virtuous wife. 

Marriage must involve sacrifices from both the man and the woman. Thinking about a future spouse in an egalitarian way often leads to inverted dynamics. There is a reason that mail order brides were brides, not grooms. Yes, it’s difficult for a woman to move far from family and friends. It’s not easy to lay aside girlhood dreams in order to be a married woman. But these are the sacrifices a woman must be willing to make for the sake of her marriage. This does not mean that a woman can’t have ambitions or friends outside her marriage, only that she must prioritize her husband as #1 — not her parents or career. He, too, will be making similar sacrifices in order to properly care for her. 

If she’s telling him from the start that she won’t follow him to the end of the world, she’s telling him she doesn’t trust him and doesn’t value him as a man. 

Even men who move for women want to know that their wives would move for them. Perhaps the husband feels it’s best to live where she’s from. But two years down the road he could decide, “Pack your bags, we’re going West!” 

He wants to know that she’s on his side, not still tied to her mother’s apron. He needs to know that she’ll stick with him through thick and thin.

“I won’t just be his maid with benefits. He will be helping me with the household chores and child-care.” 

A lot of mothers, even SAHMs, play the victim. They like to talk about how hard motherhood is, but rarely think about how hard it is to be a 21st century man in a time where white Christian men are the most hated group of people in our country. 

Sure, a SAHM might not have the full community a historical woman did, but she does have a washer, dryer, disposable diapers, stove and oven, fridge, running water, shower, indoor plumbing, and various other first-world luxuries. Few mothers have to weave the cloth to make their clothes — most women buy their clothes already made with the click of a button, delivered in two days' notice. And of course the husband pays for all these “machine-maids” that create a life of comparative historical ease. There has never been a better era for being a SAHM. She can even buy prepared food, if she wishes, also paid for by her working husband. 

Yet, there’s little gratitude. Many women expect their husbands to pay for all these luxuries, then also do the laundry, sweep the floors, cook some of the meals, and care for the children in the evening. Countless husbands are expected to do half the mother’s work as well as the entirety of his own work. She might even get a nap in the afternoon while the little ones sleep, yet when he’s home from work he’s not allowed to sit down and enjoy a beer before his wife starts berating him about doing his “share” or he won’t be getting any you-know-what later. 

When men say they want a Proverbs 31 wife, they mean that they do not want a Proverb 21:19 wife (It is better to dwell in the wilderness than with a contentious and an angry woman) — a wife with a hardened heart who nags and is contentious. There’s a lot of talk about how there aren’t any good men left. That’s a cope. There are plenty of good men out there and available. But these men are terrified of being spiritually groomed and henpecked. Men want a woman who won’t leave them. They want a supportive wife who is willing to get her knees dirty in a skirt and who won’t use sex as a bartering chip. They aren’t expecting her to be “trad,” but they want assurance that she’s made of the stuff of the Proverbs 31. 

Men want women who are open to doing life with them, but if she’s immediately calculating and demanding, they will flee civilization. And maybe it’s because so many men have retreated to the wilderness, women are asking, “Where have all the good men gone?”