The Myth Of The Hoe Phase

She wants to “find herself” through no-strings-attached sex, and while she reassured him that she wouldn’t stop being a present mother to their children, I couldn’t help but feel heartbroken for the man and children in question who just became collateral damage to a rogue streak.

Some women, like our friend’s soon-to-be ex-wife, are under the impression that a “hoe phase” is necessary to mature. Some think it could help them learn what they want in a partner, and some simply believe that they deserve to be with multiple men, but in any case, they’re unequivocally falling for a myth.

Can Casual Sex Actually Help You “Find Yourself?”

There’s nothing genuinely additive to your life when you sleep around. It’s frankly unproductive to shame women for body counts above one since many modern women engage in premarital sex, and some women are forced into sexual relationships they would have never had, but if a hoe phase feels “satisfying,” that satisfaction is likely short term. 

You’re not guaranteed mind-blowing orgasms from insanely hot strangers when you’ve only recently met them. And even if it’s the best sex of your life, what are you supposed to do with that memory six months, two years, or ten years down the line beyond reminiscing on it and feeling like you peaked?

Conclusive data on satisfaction or regret from casual sex is somewhat dicey, but let’s be logical: people settle down with one sexual partner for a deep connection, which leads to secure attachment and a healthy sense of self-esteem. People who outsource their value to their sexual identity often have deeper mental issues. However, sex won’t resolve those issues –– it’ll just placate you like a sweet treat could.

Short-Term Thrills vs. Long-Term Satisfaction

There are, however, some studies that suggest promiscuity does disproportionately impact women – and not in a good way. One study initially conducted in America but then reproduced in Norway found that, of the studied population, over 50% of the men were happy about their recent casual sex experience compared to only around 30% of women. Furthermore, the researchers found that around 35% of women regretted the last time they had casual sex, while only 20% of men felt some degree of regret. And if they said no to casual sex? Nearly 80% of women were happy they said no the last time it was on the table, while around 43% of men were happy with their decision to pass up casual sex.

The researchers thought this could be because, historically, women have the most to lose if they sleep around. Though our egalitarian culture affords us as many freedoms as men, this wasn’t always the case. While it’s ideal that a man invests time, resources, and effort to raise his child with the mother, men could hypothetically pump and dump, fathering many children and not be burdened. 

Women, on the other hand, carry those children for nine or so months each, and generally speaking, they max out at 10-15 children. Obviously, most modern women don’t have that many kids – the international average sits around 2.3 – but in either case, mothers have an inherent physical burden that fathers could never experience.

Hypothetically speaking, a man could have casual sex with a new woman every night, father a bunch of kids he’ll never even meet, and maybe settle down someday. A fertile woman could have casual sex one night with a fertile man during her ovulatory window, and her life is permanently changed.

Sure, the advent of condoms, spermicide, or hormonal contraceptives has lightened the load for many women – preventing them from even getting pregnant in the first place – but what I’m getting at is that until very recent times in human history, casual sex has been seriously consequential for women and a bit of a nothingburger for men. 

But, the fact that a decent amount of men also regret their wild phase cannot be ignored. To be frank, society often places a higher expectation on men to have more sexual experiences, pressuring them to feel that their value, masculinity, or social status is tied to how many women they’ve slept with. Many might not want to admit they regret being promiscuous because they’ve been told that’s part and parcel of the male experience.  

No matter the case for men, women have been psychologically programmed, in a sense, to hate hookups. And that’s not just conjecture.

The “Casual” Casualty

The journal Sexuality & Culture published research findings that indicate women engaging in casual sex feel more regret, loneliness, and unhappiness than their male counterparts. Men were likelier to report positive emotional outcomes, like improvement, self-confidence, and sexual satisfaction, on the other hand. It’s also worth noting the researchers discovered women were more likely to report that they had casual sex because of feeling lonely or miserable, wanting to feel better about themselves, or even due to pressure from the other person.

Clearly, this isn’t always the case. You’ve got the Ariana Grandes, Dua Lipas, and Chappell Roans of our world belting out bars about lust-filled casual sex encounters, but talk only goes so far. Sure, we’ll never be able to know if promiscuous behavior drains their psyche, and plenty of women insist that casual sex doesn’t affect their self-esteem, but again – there’s some research to suggest otherwise. One study ultimately concluded that there’s no strong link overall between casual sex and self-esteem, but when they narrowed in on gender differences, their research painted a vastly different picture. 

Women who reported a heightened sociosexual desire (meaning a greater interest in uncommitted sexual activity) tended to have lower global (meaning overall) self-esteem. They also discovered that women who had higher relationship self-esteem were less likely to have casual sex in general. However, take this all (including their conclusion that there’s no correlation between casual sex and self-esteem) with a grain of salt because the research only included students from one university in the Midwest.

Breaking The Toxic Cycle

Hindsight is 20/20, but when I think back to some former friends who racked up high body counts while we still hadn’t yet graduated high school, I can’t help but realize they all had something in common. Their parents were separated, estranged, or one was deceased. There’s no way I can prove that for each of these individuals, the family structure they were dealt made them keen on casual sex, but research does suggest interparental conflict has significant links to high levels of casual sex.

Researchers believe this may be because people who grow up witnessing conflict between parents inadvertently learn that they can’t always trust their romantic partners – so casual sex could give them an outlet to fulfill sexual desires without catching feelings. Furthermore, the researchers noticed that people who surrounded themselves with peers who had multiple sexual partners were more likely to have casual sex themselves. Your social environment has a major impact on your own decisions. 

The tides may be turning, however. Whereas Millennials were once called the “hookup generation,” it’s been said that Gen Z is having a sex recession. Many boast self-awareness and self-compassion as guideposts for their sexual identity – prioritizing emotional intimacy over situationships and hypersexuality. It’s not to say that we’re not surrounded by hypersexual messages in film, television, and music, but we’re growing increasingly jaded by the concept of hookup culture passed onto us by our older counterparts. 

The #MeToo movement also might have done one thing right – inadvertently encouraging men to not sleep around, since there’s a newfound risk of being accused of rape (wrongfully or not) 20 or so years down the line. Overall, the #MeToo movement was full of targeted, misandric warfare, but if it helped at least some men re-evaluate their sexual behavior and dissuade them from sleeping around needlessly, one could say that’s a silver lining.

Saying “No” Can Be A Radical Act Of Self-Love

I say all this not to shame anyone who has had sex before marriage, but to harken back to my main point… there is no way to safely enter a “hoe phase” because it could just perpetuate a toxic, contagious cycle. 

You’re not a prude for being picky about who has access to your body – especially your most intimate parts. You’re not lame for wanting courtship before coitus – particularly when there are genuine risks involved with casual sex. 

If you’re not using birth control and your male sexual partner won’t wear a condom, you not only open yourself up to STIs like Human Papillomavirus (HPV), which is extremely common and in some cases can lead to cervical cancer or Chlamydia and Gonorrhea which are increasingly common and can lead to infertility, but you of course also risk becoming pregnant. 

There’s about a 13% chance of failure rate for condoms, and to add to that, you increase your chances if you’re having unprotected sex during your fertile window. That’s ten to 16 days before your next period, but let’s not forget sperm can survive in the body for as many as five days. Is it any wonder that nearly half of all pregnancies in America are unintended?

For many women, physical intimacy poses a high risk of permanently changing our lives. If she chooses to keep the baby, she will have to navigate 9 months of pregnancy and all of the physical changes that come with that, in addition to rising to a new level of responsibility once the baby arrives. If she chooses to terminate her pregnancy, she has to live with that fatal decision for the rest of her life – and let’s not forget that abortions can lead to severe bleeding, infection, long-lasting pain, uterine scarring, Pelvic Inflammatory Disease, and future pregnancy complications.

But physical changes aside, casual sex can create complex emotional bonds that, if not reciprocated, could lead to insecurity and a sense of rejection. Over time, hookups may dull your inherent ability to connect in committed relationships, making it harder first to find and then sustain everlasting love. We don’t carry our emotional baggage alone, either. Lasting feelings of exploitation or regret can impact our mental health and leave invisible scars that hinder or complicate future relationships. 

I think back to my friend whose wife put the allure of temporary flings over the intimate friendship and fondness that is shared between spouses. Now that the cat’s out of the bag, there’s an irrevocable strain on their relationship – and it would be naive to think even for a second that their two sons won’t bear any burden.

Closing Thoughts

To each woman reading this, please know my intention isn’t to shame or judge. This isn’t a message of condemnation but rather an invitation to reflect on what priorities truly serve your heart, mind, and, of course, your future. 

We all deserve to feel valued, respected, and whole. If past experiences have you feeling anything but that, you need to know you’re worthy of a fresh start that aligns with the love you deserve. In a world that all too often measures worth by fleeting, superficial moments or external validation, I hope you remember your worth is innate and unbreakable. Embracing values, setting healthy boundaries, and seeking enriching connections are all acts of self-love. Every day brings new opportunities to embrace choices that honor your immense worth and potential.