The Honest Truth On Why You're Not Getting Asked Out

There have been periods in my life when I was constantly asked out, and others with no date in sight for months. I've often wondered why men seem more interested in me at certain times. Although a dating "drought" can be situational, there could be various reasons preventing women from getting asked out that may have nothing to do with appearance or character. 

You Hang Out with the Same Friend Group All the Time

I have never been the type of girl to hang out with a big co-ed group of people all the time. Occasionally, I’m envious of all the fun things that friend groups do, such as going to concerts or taking a trip to someone’s lake house for the weekend. Even though spending a lot of time hanging out with just a co-ed friend group can be fun, it can harm our chances of getting asked out on a date. 

Let’s think about it. If I'm part of a big friend group, I’m either not interested in any of the guys or am secretly wishing they would ask me out. From the male perspective, a guy has likely either friendzoned me, or he is getting his emotional needs met within the friend group and therefore feels no desire to pursue me romantically one-on-one. Additionally, he would rather ask a random girl he just met to go on a date because he doesn’t want to risk ruining our friendship. And if I’m always hanging out with guy friends, I won’t be spending as much time going to events by myself or with a small group of girls, both of which increase my chances of meeting someone. What guy is going to try to finagle his way into my heart when I have three male bodyguards surrounding me at all times? 

I got asked on a date once in a coffee shop as I was sitting by myself reading; the man sitting near me eventually gathered enough courage to strike up a conversation and then asked me on a date. Would I have met him if I had been with a big group of people? 

You Haven’t Healed

While not getting asked on a date could simply be because we’re not switching up our routine and meeting new people, there are also aspects about our internal world that could be unattractive to a man. One of the first things people notice is how we carry ourselves, as well as the confidence we portray to others. A woman who exudes confidence and self-respect along with humility is very attractive. I think we can all relate to having insecurities about our bodies, struggling with intimacy and vulnerability, and telling ourselves that we aren’t enough to attract a good man. Believe it or not, men can pick up on these internal thoughts when they’re around us because we project them, often unknowingly, onto others. One of the best things that we can do to attract a high-quality man and ignite his desire to pursue us is to get healthy. 

I personally have had to work on insecurity about my personality as I have a quieter demeanor. The root of that fear is that my first boyfriend told me that I was “too quiet.” I internalized those words for far too long after we broke up and automatically started assuming that a man would always be more attracted to the louder, more outgoing girls and would overlook me. However, as I have worked on becoming more confident and embracing the uniqueness and value of my personality, I have noticed more men becoming attracted to me because of my gentle personality and soft-spoken voice, not in spite of. 

Once we identify unhealthy patterns from our past, develop strong boundaries, and learn to feel comfortable in our own skin, healthy men will be intrigued and will be eager to discover more on a date.

You Act Uninterested Around Men

Part of acting in an unhealthy manner could be believing that if we just ignore the cute guy and act aloof, then he will think we’re more attractive. While we should allow the man to pursue us, we can definitely encourage him to want to get to know us, not discourage him! 

One major way to show interest in a guy is through displaying open and positive body language. For example, if I’m on a first date with a man and am constantly looking around me and not holding eye contact or am constantly checking my phone, that is going to send a signal to my date that I have no interest in what he has to say and therefore no interest in him. Why would he ask me on another date? If a cute guy at the mall catches my eye, I could maintain eye contact and maybe even smile! I will always appear more attractive when I smile, laugh, and enjoy myself!

Another way to show interest is by actually asking good questions! One of my boyfriends once told me that he had gone on so many first dates with women who only talked about themselves and didn’t ask him a single question, which immediately turned him off. He was intrigued that I showed a genuine interest in his life and asked thought-provoking questions. 

Finally, a way to show interest is by giving genuine compliments. In today’s culture, women are always getting hyped up on how pretty we are, what we are wearing, etc. Some seem to think that men don’t need compliments, but they do! Giving a man a specific compliment related to how good of a job he is doing in dating will encourage him to keep pursuing me in the way I desire. For example, I told my boyfriend once that I appreciated how much of a gentleman he is when he opens my car door. You better believe he didn’t once fail to open my door after that! 

You Aren’t Leaning into Your Feminine Energy

One of the biggest qualities that men desire in a woman across the board is femininity. I asked my brother and his friends what deters them from asking a girl out, and by far their top answer was that a woman is “too masculine” or “too aggressive.” Men and women are created differently, and it’s a beautiful thing when a masculine man pursues a woman who is comfortable in her femininity. 

There are many ways we can embrace our femininity as a woman. One of the easiest ways is by dressing feminine. Wearing a pretty sundress is a sure-fire way to instantly appear more feminine. Interestingly enough, there is a difference in the clothes that men find attractive versus what women think are cute. I have made it a personal goal recently to elevate my outfit whenever I walk out the front door, opting out of wearing casual clothing such as athleisure in favor of something more elegant. It’s amazing how much men appreciate a woman putting effort into her appearance. The other day I went to the grocery store wearing a long floral skirt and white blouse as well as a bow in my hair. I smiled at the elderly worker restocking in the produce section, and he beamed with a “Hello! Well, don’t you look good today!”

Practicing good hygiene and taking care of our bodies through exercise is also important, as well as discovering our most flattering haircut, taking care of our skin, and learning how to enhance our natural beauty with makeup! The way that we care for ourselves is a reflection of our level of self-esteem and how we could care for a significant other. If we don’t put any effort into our appearance, why would a man think we would put effort into a relationship?

Another way to embrace our feminine energy is learning how to allow a man to pursue us and to respond to his lead. Consider my very first interaction with a guy. If I act too forward, giving him my number or asking him out instead of letting him initiate, I am taking over the natural “pursuing” instinct in a man and will kill the attraction. If he doesn’t pursue me in the beginning, he won’t pursue me 10 years from now. A man wants to feel as if he is chasing a woman of high value who is confident enough in herself not to chase him.  

Additionally, we can be nurturing vs. overpowering around a man. There is a difference between “mothering” a man and “nurturing” him. “Mothering” is being domineering and bossy to a guy, not trusting in his abilities. “Nurturing” means encouraging and supporting a man and providing a peaceful space for him to open up and break down his emotional barriers. We can slowly reveal more vulnerable aspects about ourselves (while avoiding emotionally dumping as there needs to be a bit of mystery), which will allow a man to see that he can also open up as we listen to him without judgment or criticism. 

Finally, being gentle and soft will provide a contrast to a man’s masculinity. As a big over-thinker, I have to actively practice getting out of my head and into my heart and my feelings, as well as living in the present moment of emotion, which allows me to have a gentler, slower approach to a relationship. I allow myself to appreciate how beautiful a flower is, how good it feels to get a massage, and the sensory experience of lighting a fragrant candle. Men are drawn to me when I can fully feel and embrace the beauty in the world because it’s so different than how they view it. Instead of using “I think” statements, we can share “I feel” statements, such as “I feel so safe around you.” As we share how a guy makes us feel, we let him into our hearts. In the midst of hustle culture, we can step out of our masculine headspace into our soft existence, which will make a man melt because we can become his peaceful companion in a world that demands much of him. When a healthy, masculine man is drawn to us, we don’t have to change a thing about ourselves. 

At the end of the day, getting asked out on a first or second date is outside your control. You can’t force a man to like you. However, you can always be mindful of your surroundings, how you present yourself – internally and externally – and how you interact with a man. It’s helpful to be aware of ways that you could potentially be discouraging a guy from initiating. Whether you’re getting asked on a date or not, you can enjoy the fun, beautiful process of growing into a more feminine and self-aware woman!

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