Rejection Isn’t Always About You: The 4 Stages Of Availability Could Explain Why He Ended Things

Rejection stings. And it’s no wonder! Evolutionary psychologists believe the pain rejection causes is due to our pre-civilized past, where being rejected by our group meant no access to food, protection, and mating partners. In fact, being rejected by our tribe or group would’ve been similar to receiving a death sentence back then. That’s why we developed an early warning mechanism that alerted us when we were under threat of being ostracized. 

This early warning system triggered a sharp pain whenever we felt the slightest rejection, alerting us to the necessity to change our behavior so we could remain part of the tribe. Nowadays, being rejected doesn’t have such dire consequences, but that doesn’t change the fact it still creates a biological response within us that wreaks havoc on our bodies and minds. However, by understanding more about rejection – and why it hurts so much – we can better equip ourselves to overcome these negative feelings.

Firstly, it’s important to remember that rejection has more to do with the person who rejected you than you realize. He could’ve had a whole list of reasons to call things off with you that are beyond your control. Like, maybe you had the same job as his ex-girlfriend and you reminded him too much of her. Or, he doesn’t want the same things as you in the next five years. Maybe he even had an unbelievably picky checklist of things he wants in a partner, which he’ll likely never find. All of these things have nothing to do with you.

It’s also important to remember that the heartbreaking feeling you get when being rejected isn’t always reliable. It may feel like the world is ending, but studies have shown that rejection makes us unreasonable, affecting our ability to think clearly. 

There is another aspect to rejection that’s rarely talked about that isn’t to do with you at all. It’s a person’s availability. 

The Four Stages of Availability

We often assume single people are ready to give dating a go and get into a relationship; however, this isn’t necessarily true. How often have you been truly single and ready to mingle after a dating experience or relationship ended? I’m guessing not too often. That’s why there are four stages of availability, and if you’re dating someone who isn’t in stage 3, it’s also why you may be rejected.

Stage 1 – Completely Unavailable

There are lots of great guys in relationships, and as a result, they’re unavailable to you! Even if a guy in a relationship is showing you attention, they are still unavailable. In fact, if a guy in a relationship is giving you the kind of attention that disrespects his wife or girlfriend, it should act as a repellent. Don’t go there! Even if you’re single, you’re also in the wrong to pursue another woman’s man. Either you’re going to end up feeling hurt and rejected, or everyone in that situation is. 

Stage 2 – Single but Unavailable

He’s not in a relationship, but that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s available. Maybe he’s still hurting over his ex or he’s simply not ready to let her go – whatever it is, he’s not ready to jump into something new with you. This stage is particularly confusing, because people in this stage are often dating, trying to get over their ex. However, these people are also very difficult to date because their ex is still taking up a lot of mental space. 

Stage 3 – Single and Ready to Mingle

This is the ideal stage. He’s single and has let go of his ex. It’s the perfect time for him to pursue something new and exciting. If he’s a serial monogamist, the only issue with this stage is that it might not be long before he grows feelings for someone and starts leaning into the unavailable stages.

Stage 4 – About to Commit to Someone

At this stage, he’s still not in a relationship, but maybe he’s been seeing someone for a while now and is getting ready to commit. He’s not quite there yet, so he’s probably still going on other dates, but he isn’t entirely open to another person.

How To Overcome Rejection

Now that you understand more about rejection and why it happens, you’re better equipped to handle it. But here are some more tips from Dr. Guy Winch, a psychologist and specialist in “psychological traumas” such as rejection.

1. Don’t Criticize Yourself

After a rejection, it’s so easy to fall into the trap of self-criticism and list all the things that are wrong with you. But this isn’t going to help you overcome the rejection – in fact, it’s only going to make you feel worse.

Dr. Winch recommends making a list of any negative, self-critical thoughts you have about the rejection. Next, make a list of counterarguments for each negative thought. The idea is to argue with yourself and create a fairer, more balanced view of the rejection.

Being rejected simply steers us in another direction – usually a better direction.

2. Recover Your Self-Worth

According to Dr. Winch, one of the most effective ways to boost your feelings of self-worth is to “affirm aspects of yourself you know are valuable.” To do so, he recommends listing five qualities you have that you know are meaningful and make you a good relationship prospect – i.e. you’re loyal, supportive, loving, etc.

Next, choose the top two qualities and write a short essay about why the quality is so important to you, how this characteristic influences your life, and why it’s an important element of your self-image. You must write this out rather than just think about it so that these meaningful, true affirmations really sink in.

3. Restore Feelings of Social Connection

Rejection makes us feel as if we don’t belong. It can leave us feeling unworthy, which is why it’s important to remind yourself of how loved and appreciated you are. To overcome a romantic rejection, Dr. Winch recommends calling your grandparents or other family members – people who love you and whose day will brighten just from hearing your voice.

Closing Thoughts

Rejection sucks, there’s no denying it. However, being rejected – whether it be for a job or by a romantic interest – is a necessary part of life. Although it stings, both emotionally and physically, being rejected simply steers us in another direction – usually a better direction.

Think about it. It’d be so much worse to stay in a relationship with someone who, deep down, knows being with you just isn’t right. In reality, they’ve done you a favor by cutting the relationship off and letting you go to pursue a relationship that’s actually right for you.

The possibilities that being rejected could open up aren’t necessarily endless, but they’re probably a better bet than the person you were initially pursuing. Just think of what could happen now!

Support our cause and help women reclaim their femininity by subscribing today.