Our Hearts Weren't Meant To Be Broken By So Many Different People

They say time heals all wounds, but this heartbreak endured, so she simply decided that was the end and told herself, "I will never feel this way again." And to this day, she hasn't. She hasn't dated again, she hasn't fallen in love again, and she hasn't felt heartbreak again. She's now in her 50s, living in Europe, and leads a happy life, but the last time I went through a breakup, she gave me words of caution. She said, "I don't want you to end up like me. I don't want you to give up on love."

It's not that she's unhappily single either. She's one of the happiest people I know, but clearly there's something about love and companionship that she believes (for me, at least) is worth getting back on the horse for, even at the risk of being broken again. I have to say that after how I was treated in my last relationship, I am hesitant to date again. I'm even starting to feel the benefits of choosing to stay single. Interestingly, it was one of the easiest heartbreaks I've ever gone through, but there's something about going through it for a third time that's made me particularly reluctant to put myself out there again. I've found it's become too tiring saying goodbye to so many people I care deeply about, and I'd rather avoid being disappointed again.

How many times can one person experience this deep psychological trauma before it begins to take its toll?

Long gone are the days of marrying your first and only love. As the average age of first marriage has increased, so too has the number of relationship breakups and subsequent heartbreaks. Repeatedly, hearts are broken and mended, but to what extent? How many times can one person experience this deep psychological trauma before it begins to take its toll? How many heartbreaks can one person take before they finally give up and decide life is easier on their own?

The problem with relationships today is that so many of them last for years without either side giving a lifelong commitment to the other. It's the phenomena of the "forever girlfriend" or the "sunk cost boyfriend" where a woman gives a man her most fertile years in exchange for a "someday" that never arrives. She's usually in her late 20s or 30s then when she has to start over completely. During this time, although unmarried, couples grow together and become intertwined in one another's lives and routines while "playing house," not just emotionally, but socially and biologically too.

The Biological Reality of Heartbreak

If love were only a feeling, heartbreak would be so much easier. Instead, it's a mix of emotions and chemicals bonding us to our partner in ways that make it almost impossible to unbind. Romantic love releases oxytocin when our partner touches us, hugs us, and when we're intimate with them. Romantic attraction activates our brain's reward systems, so when we're around someone we love, we experience feelings of excitement and euphoria. In turn, our brains associate this person with reward and emotional relief, reinforcing the attachment we have with them.

On a deeper biological level, our bodily functions even become regulated by our partner. As we spend more time with them, our heart rate, stress responses, sleep rhythms and emotional states become regulated by the one we love. This is why, when you're in a relationship, you may notice you feel more relaxed around your partner, as their presence helps reduce your cortisol and relaxes your body.

So is it any wonder heartbreak is so debilitating? The person responsible for regulating our reward system and our body is no longer around, and we suddenly have to learn to cope without them.

Emotionally, you want the person who's left you, but biologically, your body is telling you that you need this person to survive.

According to psychologist Dr. Guy Winch, heartbreak is a "complex psychological injury" that simply isn't taken seriously enough by society. When a person experiences heartbreak, they're usually dismissed by those closest to them. Often, a heartbroken person is simply told "you'll be fine" and "you'll meet someone else." Although both these statements are true, they completely belittle what the heartbroken person is going through. Emotionally, you want the person who's left you, but biologically, your body is telling you that you need this person to survive.

A heartbroken person often experiences nausea, insomnia, and loss of appetite. Studies show it can impair a person's cognitive functioning, making it hard for them to function at their job or at school. Going through this once in life is bad enough. Twice is torturous, but three, four, five times cannot be healthy.

Although heartbreak isn't a new phenomenon, it's only recently that we've begun to see the true torment heartbreak brings, as many people now share their experience for the world to witness on social media.

For those who haven't experienced heartbreak, this reaction may seem a little dramatic, but it's entirely accurate. Studies show a heartbroken person experiences "unbearable" levels of physical pain during a breakup. It's perhaps a pain someone should only go through once in life, but after repeated exposure to this torment, we're starting to see how it affects a person's future relationships.

Does Repeated Heartbreak Affect A Person's Ability To Pair Bond?

Pair bonding is the deep emotional connection that develops between two people who choose each other and stay attached over time. When you've pair-bonded with someone, you'll want to stay close to them, you'll miss them when they're gone, you'll want to protect your relationship with them, and you may even feel a little jealous or territorial over them. It's so much more than just being attracted to someone.

It isn't just a feeling, either. It involves multiple brain regions, neurochemicals, and sensory modalities (touch, smell, voice, and other senses). However, when a pair bond breaks, the brain has to adjust to the sudden absence of someone it became wired to expect.

Pair bonding enables us to not just emotionally connect with someone, but biologically bond with them too. And to a certain extent, we've been abusing it in our current dating culture, treating love as if it comes from an infinite well. Although there isn't a scientific number of heartbreaks and broken pair bonds one person can go through and survive, many people won't come out the same optimistic single person they once were after the third or fourth time.

"Oftentimes, people think they are being too emotional, but biology is also playing a role in this dynamic. The chemicals released when you bond with someone tell your brain, this person is safe and it's okay to attach to them," says Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Christina Mathieson. "After enough losses, those same systems start expecting the loss instead of the bond. When people's brains start having this expectation, I see two completely opposite responses. Some clients fall in love really fast and then crash out the second the relationship gets serious, because the bond itself starts feeling threatening. Other people date someone for two years and still keep them at arm's length, never quite letting them all the way in."

"After enough losses, those same systems start expecting the loss instead of the bond."

"I don't think there's a hard limit on how many heartbreaks a person can survive, but I do think there's a limit to how many they can survive without changing how they show up to dating," Christina continues. "After enough losses, the nervous system starts preparing for the next one before you've even met them. This behavior isn't conscious, it's protective. This protective mechanism can then get brought into the next relationship, whether you realize it or not."

According to Christina, people who have a long history of heartbreak tend to get faster at pulling back, shutting down, and intellectualizing what's happening so they don't have to sit in it. Although they still have the capacity for love, what changes is their willingness to be vulnerable. "That can come back," says Christina. "Unfortunately, it doesn't return on its own just because someone good shows up."

After even just one heartbreak, many men and women are hesitant to re-enter the dating world. After multiple heartbreaks though, people don't just become hesitant; many become excessively picky. However, this pickiness is usually self-protection. "After several painful endings, the brain starts scanning for threat. A person may interpret minor flaws as red flags, overanalyze texts, avoid vulnerability, or leave before they can be left," says Dr. Anna Elton, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and author of The Formula of Desire.

Although pickiness gets a bad rap, sometimes it's just wisdom and knowing your worth. It's important to pay attention to your preferences so you don't force something. Painful endings do provide opportunities to learn and spot "red flags" before getting attached. However, sometimes it can be fear pretending to be discernment. "If you're ruling people out for things you can't quite articulate, or you're disqualifying someone in the first few dates over very small things (trying to find an ick), that's usually unprocessed grief from the last relationship doing the rejecting," says Christina.

How To Avoid Unnecessary Heartbreaks

There is no surefire way to avoid being heartbroken. Everything in love is a risk because you're not just dealing with your own feelings or your own flaws. Whether or not a relationship works out is a shared responsibility; one that your partner may not uphold, no matter how hard you personally work at it.

The only thing anyone can do is take responsibility for their own actions and do the work they personally need to do to avoid unnecessary heartbreaks. This includes looking at your dating history and seeing if there are any patterns showing up. Do you keep dating the same type of guy and experiencing the same ending? Are there red flags you keep ignoring because you're holding onto the hope that the guy in front of you is the one, even though there are clear signs he isn't?

Dr. Anna Elton recommends slowing the pace when you begin to date someone new. "One way to reduce repeated heartbreak is to slow the pace of emotional attachment before the relationship has demonstrated stability," says Elton. "Many people bond quickly through chemistry and emotional intensity, but overlook whether the other person is actually capable of consistency and long-term reciprocity. Intensity can feel intoxicating, but consistency is what creates emotional security."

British author and journalist Louise Perry also recommends waiting to be intimate. It's common in modern dating to sleep with the guy you're dating before becoming committed, but this isn't necessarily what's best for the relationship. Men can have sex with a woman without getting attached, but most women become emotionally attached to a guy after having sex with him, and there isn't really a way to avoid it. Like most things, the reason for this is simple: biology. Women release oxytocin when having sex with a man and become attached. Men, on the other hand, can emotionally disconnect from sex.

Perry argues that it's in a woman's best interests to wait before having sex with a man for a variety of reasons. Firstly, if a man is genuinely interested in being in a relationship with you, he'll be willing to wait. Secondly, it's difficult to discern whether or not a man is right for you once you've become biologically attached through intimacy. Take your time getting to know someone before fully committing and being intimate, and you may find greater success in your dating life.

Perhaps the real danger of repeated heartbreaks is not the physical pain we have to endure, but the fact that love begins to become associated with loss instead of safety. The more often a person is broken by the people they trusted the most, the more difficult it becomes to fully embrace and surrender to the right love.

For most of human history, women didn't go through four or five major heartbreaks before walking down the aisle. They had one love, or maybe two. Now we're asking women to weather a decade of serial relationships, each one teaching the nervous system to expect loss, and then arrive at thirty ready to bond for life with the next guy. That's a lot to ask of a person. Going through heartbreak can make anyone afraid to be vulnerable again, but most people keep trying anyway, refusing to let the pain convince them that love isn't worth the risk. After everything she's been through, Taylor Swift is engaged to a man who adores her, and if she can keep her heart open after writing a decade of albums about getting it broken, the rest of us can too.