Nobody Told Me The First Year Of Marriage Would Be This Hard

The curtain closes before a significant message can be shared: Successful marriages require work. And the first year, while frequently described as the magical honeymoon phase, is often the most challenging. 

It starts as soon as your plane touches down on your honeymoon return trip. For some, post-honeymoon blues can immediately set in. The excitement and anticipation of planning and experiencing one of the biggest days of your life, and perhaps the best vacation to date, are over. Normal life is back on the docket. You might find yourself feeling like a kid waking up the day after Christmas. In other words: Now what?

Even after these blue feelings pass, there is still the cold reality that you’re facing down the most critical year of your marriage. During those first 365 days as man and wife, you’re finding yourself again and getting reacquainted with the person you’ve vowed to spend the rest of your life with. You’re laying down the foundation of your relationship. You might even be in the early stages of planning a family.  

Feelings of joy and excitement can easily be mixed with those of overwhelm and anxiety.

It’s a transformative time of your life. And an important phase of your relationship. So naturally, it can feel like a lot. Feelings of joy and excitement can easily be mixed with those of overwhelm and anxiety. It’s not just you, though. And your marriage isn’t doomed to fail. A lot of people claim the first year is the hardest. 

Finding Routine as a New Family Unit 

I remember when my husband and I got married. We had been together for several years before tying the knot. Our engagement alone was over a year long. I was comfortable with the title of “fiancé” and didn’t expect marriage to be all that different. But it was. 

Becoming a wife meant changing my mentality. It meant changing how I operated. And the same can be said for my husband. There was no longer an “I” when making decisions. From big to small, any choice that could have an impact on the day-to-day or the broader future now had to be considered through the lens of “we.” 

After you’re married, you no longer come first. Neither does your birth family. The unit that is you and your spouse becomes the priority. And while that can sound reasonable on paper, living it can feel like a major adjustment. 

Regardless of how selfless or in love you are, it’s a huge deviation from how you live your life up until your wedding. Adjusting takes work. And true adaptation can take time.   

Having the Big Conversations 

Ideally, and as common sense would dictate, all of the big conversations happen before you say “I do.” But that’s not the reality for all of us. While I wouldn’t recommend it, my husband and I weren’t aligned on the topic of children before we tied the knot. It’s possible that my husband believed I’d come around to the idea of growing a family (I did). He probably sensed that, deep down, I’d eventually want to create a family with him and become a mom (again, I did, and I now have three children). 

But that misalignment definitely contributed to some difficult conversations. Looking back, that first year was much more work than our relationship is today (almost eight years later). And I know that our situation isn’t unique to us. Topics pertaining to children, finances, in-laws, and even parental care all inevitably present themselves during the course of a long-term relationship. And it’s common for a lot of those conversations to take on a new weight after the marriage certificate is signed. 

Prospects that once felt like faraway considerations become action items. 

“Do we want to have kids?” becomes “When do we want to start our family?” Joint checking accounts and credit cards are considered. A home is financed and new holiday routines are established (“Are we hosting Thanksgiving?”). Prospects that once felt like faraway considerations become action items. 

I remember being surprised that I didn’t have “more time.” That these decisions were now presenting themselves front and center, demanding a deliberation. I didn’t have the hindsight I have now to recognize how empowering this phase of my life was.  

Navigating Difficulties

During our first year of marriage, my husband started experiencing persistent, inexplicable health issues. It took several years before he was finally able to diagnose himself with Samter’s Triad and, months later, have his diagnosis confirmed by an allergist. 

Before that diagnosis, our relationship was challenged in a manner it never had been before. My husband felt frustrated, confused, and sad much of the time. I felt helpless and lost. During that time period, I kept mentally returning to the vow “In sickness and in health.” I had said the words, but I hadn’t appreciated their true meaning. We persevered and, I believe, emerged from that challenging period stronger than ever. 

It wasn’t long after that, when life was starting to feel back on course, that toxic personalities tried to test our new marriage. Those once close to us tried coming between us. And it was during that trial that I learned the importance of putting your marriage above other relationships. 

Not everyone will have to deal with a life-altering disease diagnosis during their first year of marriage. Or navigate insidious emotional attacks from narcissistic personalities. But life is challenging at its core, and it’s inevitable that there will be challenges during those first 365 days together. Navigating life’s trials can feel foreign and maybe even uncomfortable when your marriage is so new. But the reward is in the perseverance and the trust you put in your relationship.

How To Endure (and Thrive) During the First Year of Marriage 

If you can relate to anything I’ve shared in this article thus far, I hope you walk away with some comfort knowing that your relationship isn’t an outlier. If you’re currently engaged or perhaps in the thick of your first year as a spouse, here are some tips for setting your relationship up for future success.  

Practice Open, Consistent Communication

The relationship advice that is tired but oh so important: open and honest communication. Making authentic and empathetic communication a part of your relationship can foster an emotional connection and protect it when stressors and inconveniences arise. It’s a means of building trust and vitalizing intimacy. Have the honest conversations, even when they’re difficult. Work on active listening so your partner feels heard and safe. You’ll never regret practicing authenticity and compassion with the person you love most. 

Get Comfortable With Compromise 

One person will not and should not get their way 100% of the time. That’s a dictatorship, not a marriage. A marriage, at its core, is a partnership. Get comfortable putting your spouse’s needs before your own. And communicate openly if you have specific needs that have to be prioritized. Accepting a state of give-and-take ensures you and your partner both feel valued and respected. 

Prioritize Intimacy 

You and your spouse shouldn’t stop dating after you’re married. Plan date nights. Build intimacy through small daily habits. And yes, have sex. Don’t let the “well, the honeymoon is over” mentality catch you.

Falling in love with your spouse shouldn’t feel like a one-off instance that lives in the past.

Falling in love with your spouse shouldn’t feel like a one-off instance that lives in the past. Strive to fall in love with your spouse every day. Prioritizing romance and intimacy can make it happen.

Put Your Marriage First 

Getting married is like welcoming a new baby. You’re nurturing something beautiful and delicate. Strength and comfort will come with time. Protect it from unhelpful habits, toxic personalities, or the doubt-spurring voice in your head. Respect former relationships (whether it be with your friends, family, or in-laws) while recognizing that from here on out, no relationship is more important than the one between you and your spouse. 

Be Patient 

Don’t rush the development of your marriage. Like all good things, it will take time. Be kind to yourself and your spouse as you both learn to navigate this new phase of life. If you find yourself in a rough patch, don’t lose faith. Continue to practice and prioritize communication, respect, and intimacy. Fall in love with the work that is the first year of marriage, knowing that together, you and your spouse are building the foundation of a beautiful and love-filled lifetime.