Men Who Are Truly In Love Don’t Fantasize About Other Women

Society has argued for romantic and sexual fantasies to be normalized, especially with the rise of open relationships and the acceptance of porn. But even the strongest proponents would argue that the purpose of these is to avoid cheating and any feeling of betrayal. Consequently, it’s more of a negotiation in which we make cheating more acceptable because knowing technically makes it not a betrayal. As in, if it is not behind our backs, then it’s not so bad. Similarly, if the other woman is not physically present in the room, but only through a screen, then what’s the harm?

Yet, the lack of unique loyalty and commitment remains. Both situations disregard the value of intimacy and the sacredness of no one else knowing the person you love as you do. It’s also worth mentioning that there is scientific evidence to prove that men who watch porn often fail to sexually please real-life women. 

Fantasizing, porn, open relationships – these are all cases of self-sabotage. And while there is no shame in a relationship ending, there is disappointment in investing our time in something we’re intentionally ruining for ourselves and for the person we’re claiming to care for. 

If the aim is love, then fantasizing about others will always fall short. It’s not a big ask to expect those who claim to love us to put down their fantasies and embrace real love. The reality of true love will always surpass what any fantasy can offer.

The truth is that men (and women) aren’t born with an established sexual ideal. Instead, sexual preferences are developed over time depending on experiences. This is why sexual abuse, pornography, and other lustful experiences can be so damaging to a person. They can turn our pursuit of beauty and love (a.k.a. the best kind of sex) into a pursuit for pleasure alone, and sometimes even pain.  

When a man loves a woman, then his sexual impulse becomes for that particular woman. Her specific smell, her features, even her humor, suddenly becomes his attraction pull. At that point, he may consider others beautiful and attractive, but no one can interrupt the magnetic pull he has for the woman he loves. 

This is an explanation as to why, when we take good care of our relationships, a couples’ love grows in depth with time. The shared memories and experiences, even if small, are to love what water is to a growing plant. Its deep roots are the solid foundation of what I would even dare to call family trees! 

This also explains why humans don’t mate the way animals do. We’re not in competition for the best mating dance, flashing colors, or particular sweet smells – even though the beauty industry often has us thinking so. Instead, men choose with intentionality. They pursue and invest in the relationship and let the love grow. Consequently, it’s a misconception to think that we are in perpetual competition with other women, since what makes a man choose a particular woman are her specific virtues and qualities, and this has more to do with our own morals, character, and even habits than with whatever the women around us are doing. 

Men Who Truly Love

When we choose to marry someone, we also choose not to pursue anyone else. Some mainstream media portray this as an eternal damnation; but in actuality, the happily ever after that follows this commitment benefits both men and women by introducing them to the experience of unconditional love that is unrepeatable outside marriage. This translates to achieving the happily ever after, and it’s what is so beneficial about loving one woman. 

Once a man chooses a woman, falls in love, and grows in love with her, even Victoria’s Secret models take a back seat. Why? Because the woman he loves becomes his sexual ideal. If he is truly in love, then little things like the way she stands, her scent, and her laugh all become uniquely tied to his attraction. These nuances are nearly impossible to replicate, making his sexual attraction to her unique. Over time, as they grow older together, his arousal becomes intertwined with his memories. So when an older man says, "She's as beautiful as the day I first met her," it's not just a sweet sentiment – it’s genuinely how he feels. He sees her age, but he also sees the vibrant woman he fell in love with. Love truly has the power to stop time. A similar case happens when an older man says “I love her more than the day I married her.” He is acknowledging how much their love has grown and how his attraction for her has become stronger. 

Why Would Men Fantasize?

Men who frequently fantasize about other women do so for two potential reasons: 

1. He Is Conflicted 

Feeling conflicted while being in an established relationship and therefore claiming to love and care for one specific woman can be very damaging to the man himself, as well as to the woman. While being unsure for a few days can be a normal part of discerning a long-term relationship, staying unsure for long becomes the damning factor of the relationship. 

One of the main predictors of marital bliss is being fully committed to each other. It means prioritizing the relationship, making time for each other, and consistently showing love, respect, and appreciation. This is sometimes hard. It’s what makes marriage challenging. When a man is conflicted, this goes from hard to impossible, as it is too difficult to do while comparing a flesh and bone spouse to a fantasy. 

Fantasies can never match reality. Men may project good qualities that don’t actually exist onto women who live in their imagination, and in this way, devalue the woman who cares for him like no fantasy could. As a result, men who are caught up in fantasies easily end up alone or in relationships in which a deeper connection is unreachable. 

2. He Lacks Conviction

Sometimes, men stay in relationships simply because it’s the easy and comfortable thing to do. These relationships are likely to be unhappy because the absence of genuine commitment can create a void where an emotional connection should be. This void is often filled with porn, alcohol, friendships with women that become too close for a wife’s comfort, or other vices. There are mild versions of this and there are extreme versions, but the point remains: Men who are truly in love, even though they may not be perfect, have the conviction to put their wives above all. 

A recent study showed some alarming statistics about the low level to which a lack of conviction and commitment can sink. The study found that 73% of the college student respondents admitted to keeping people on the back burner. Meaning, they stay in contact with friends or exes with the intention of potentially one day igniting a romance. 

You need a man who owns up to his commitments, demonstrating a willingness to invest in the relationship and work through challenges. Not to mention that the lack of conviction can easily lead a woman to feel insecure and unsafe in the relationship. That is when a woman becomes paranoid – breaking into his phone while he sleeps, tracking his location, becoming anxious at the first sign of something she considers suspicious. Without a true sense of conviction and dedication, the relationship won’t be a stable or fulfilling one in the long-term. 

A man without conviction is more likely a man with a wandering eye. Whether he is simply checking out other girls or he is actively talking to an ex, he turns into a version of walking into a store not planning to buy, but instead just looking. He may justify it to you and maybe even to himself as something innocent because, by the rule book, he is not doing anything wrong. But, due to his lack of conviction, he is creating a situation in which he could run into something he likes and is tempted by. Even if he doesn't, the intentionality of wandering around is enough to make any woman feel second. A man who loves would not make any woman think or feel as if she comes second. 

How Can We Inspire Men To Truly Love Us?

Confidence is by far one of the greatest attraction pulls. Being polished can certainly help, but in order for a genuine connection to take place you must present yourself in full confidence of who you are. Having an appreciation for your own qualities, virtues, and everything you stand for is the ideal place to start. A man can find you pretty and ask you out, but a second date is unlikely if the spark isn’t there. While the spark can’t be fabricated, personal confidence is certainly a requirement for it to happen in the first place. A man who loves us will see our uniqueness and treasure us for it, so leaning toward everything that makes us us is what ultimately inspires a man to fall in love. 

Confidence is not about being better than others but about having pride in who you are. It’s having personal awareness about the things that make you special. Instead of trying to one-up the women around you, consider highlighting all your good qualities: your generosity, your willingness to help others, your work ethic, always having something kind to say. Dating gets a lot easier when our focus is on treasuring ourselves, instead of wondering how we compare to others or being hyper-focused on how others perceive us. 

Not only is being a woman of virtue and good character attractive and inspiring, but I would also add that knowing how to love and be loved is extremely attractive to men. Being able to have a healthy, drama-free relationship in which a man can feel appreciated, respected, and cared for is attractive. Confidence is also what allows us to recognize that perhaps the man we are after is not emotionally available or doesn’t truly love us. This can be a tough pill to swallow, but being confident in who we are will add clarity and ease this situation. 

Closing Thoughts

It’s important to note that it’s not up to any woman to make a man love her; instead, let’s face the reality that if we are to be in love, we better get good at showing them what love truly is. May we be clear in not accepting anything less than that and charitably draw the boundary. While this article is based on men’s fantasies, there is no doubt that it’s also on us women to set the expectations and have the tough conversations. It’s on us not to commit our hearts to men who chose fantasies over us. Hurting us this way hurts them too. There is no point in settling for a relationship with a man who is not in love, when men have already proven themselves capable of great love. 

Evie deserves to be heard. Support our cause and help women reclaim their femininity by subscribing today.