It’s Time To Believe In Love Again

Is a happy marriage the new lottery? Maybe in our modern times, marriage is the luxury of the few. As in, we should simply count ourselves fortunate if we achieve it but not really expect it. 

“What happened?” you may ask. Has our increased availability (thanks to phones and social media) made us less desirable? Maybe the sense of connection granted via social media has made us crave the deeper connection only guaranteed by marriage less. Maybe we settled for having company, instead of aiming for building a home. Maybe the fact that corporations have started to refer to their employees as families has made us value chosen families (friends and coworkers) more than biological families? It’s certainly easier to get along when there’s less intimacy and dependency required in the relationship.

It’s an interesting dynamic. Men are in sales, and women are in marketing. Women make the offer attractive, and men seal the deal. Sometimes, it even seems that in order to find love, you must market yourself as a product. We put ourselves out there in a well-arranged shop window. We’re even available on the digital shop windows. And then what? Hope for the best offer? How would we then not notice our fluctuating value in the market? It takes a self-esteem of steel to last in this game.

We have sacrificed being fully seen and known for the safety and validation provided by a curated social media feed. With access to so many profiles, we end up falling for the paradox of choice. As our options increase, we’re actually left with fewer choices. We feel hopeful due to our options, and yet, end up with less. It seems like everything is getting easier, but some of the most important things are getting harder. 

No wonder we’re all a bit depressed and a bit anxious. 

In so many ways, life has gotten so much easier with time, but it almost seems as if love has gotten more difficult. High-school sweethearts and college sweethearts have become rare, almost extinct creatures. Instead, by our mid-twenties, we’re all strong people with expertise in breakups. At least, we’re always working on ourselves – but at what cost if it’s constantly fueled by heartbreak?

If we care too much, we have a problem. Dating has become a game of playing it cool and a competition for who cares the least. Like in all games, someone ultimately loses. What was once the heartbreak that inspired so much beautiful art is now often considered a matter of pity. It’s scientifically proven that the grief caused by a breakup can often be comparable to the grief we face when a loved one dies. We’re often more understanding of the latter than of someone who is wrapped up in the love that lingers after a relationship ends. This intense caring is often overtly diagnosed as codependency. Codependency is warned about almost as a mental illness, and depending on each other, being attuned to each other’s emotions, and being not okay when missing or grieving someone has become a sign of weakness instead of proof of love. 

Not too long ago, there was even a war on Disney princess romances as the idea of a happily ever after with a prince was deemed a negative message. Fortunately, studies have debunked this and confirmed that a prince who overcomes challenges and grows in virtue throughout the narrative is a prince worth telling young girls about. Is that too much to hope for? Is that unrealistic? These stories have been largely replaced by tales of women who don’t need anybody and whose self-reliance is a superpower. Sure, we can do anything and everything, but do we really have to? It’s not so empowering if we’re forced into it.

Falling in love, being in love, believing in love, is now all part of a delusional fantasy. In contrast, what’s realistic is to always be prepared to be disappointed by love. Whether we are broken up with, cheated on, or simply grow bored and dissatisfied. Pick your poison, but the point is – there is poison. 

We prioritize loving ourselves over loving others, not noticing that all kinds of love are intertwined. 

Life is so full of distractions, and perhaps, this is a respite from actually spending time and enjoying the company of a spouse, because that can be a bit too much. The pandemic was proof of this. So many couldn’t be confined to the same space with the person they vowed to love and care for. This has gone on for so long and so far that it has turned from a momentary feeling of hopelessness to a cultural disposition to simply not expect much (if anything) from love. 

The generation of “we fix what breaks” has been replaced by the generation of “I’ll get a new one by tomorrow. Thank you, Amazon Prime.”

We exchange lovers like exchanging clothes; perhaps, even swapping among people we know and playing it cool when we see someone else wearing the sweater we love or loved so much. The sweater we had so many fond memories with. The one we chose for all its good qualities. Oh wow…  It bothers even when talking about a sweater, and yet we do it with people. Only left to watch them in someone else’s Instagram feed. 

Love seems to be a bad business, an expensive investment and more projected disappointments than fruitful returns. That is the core of our collective hopelessness. We’ve seen the consequences of simply not believing in love. Playing it safe because, otherwise, it’s too hurtful. We certainly don’t like this, but we’ve settled for it. 

Words of Hope

We underestimate the fact that love matures. That love that is a choice and not just an emotion. Long-lasting love has plenty of benefits to our mental and physical health, our finances, and overall well-being. Long-lasting love is, in many ways, the determining factor of our quality of life. 

It’s not about a perpetual state of puppy love, but a permanent attitude to serve, protect, and honor each other. The latter has a ripple effect with a much larger reach than what fleeting feelings ever could achieve. 

We also underestimate how many times we can fall in love all over again with the same person. The excitement of new inside jokes, new favorite movies to discuss, new experiences to share. To fall in love with a 20 year old who is figuring it out, and later fall in love with the 30-something with a recently awakened paternal instinct, and then the 40 year old venturing into new professional goals. All very exciting romances. All while still gazing into the same glittering eyes. 

Love cannot always be explained or broken down in statistics. Love runs deep. While we may be able to explain our reasons for making a certain decision, love is often something we stumble upon.

We do our best to find love, not realizing that love is the one that finds us. 

Falling in love is risky business. When it ends, we may move on whether by choice or by force, but the lingering impact love leaves in our lives is undeniable. Love will remain immortalized in memories, smells, and places. Yet it’s biggest impact will be you. Love changes you. Love makes you selfless and brave. Love breaks walls and redefines you. To love and be loved is perhaps the guiding force we all need in our lives. But if our needs are met by apps and websites, why bother with the quirks of others? Not to mention the uncomfortable vulnerability that deep connections and love bring. 

I think that, as a society, we have perfected a defense mechanism. We have adapted to being lonely but “okay.” Lonely enough that we are aware, but not too bad, so we can bear it. It isn’t the dream, but neither is it a nightmare. Personally, I’d rather fall into the delusion of love than the delusion that I don’t need it. 

Maybe the debutante balls and quinceañeras are too strong of a way to launch girls into the dating market, but not launching at all also seems harsh. No acknowledgement or introduction to the dating market seems to undermine its value and importance. Now we wait to be old enough to debut on Tinder and hope to have good photos and a catchy caption, instead of the gown that will capture a man’s eye. There is also something to be said about the secrecy that now defines our dating lives. No one needs to know how many apps we’re active on or how many people we talk to in them at the same time. The accountability that comes with being referred to as someone’s beau is barely there. 

We think it’s normal that our boyfriends have Tinder on their phones as long as they're not active. What good does a paused Tinder account do to true love?

Maybe girls should be girls. Girls should get giddy when they get that hoped for text or call. They should care to look and feel their best before heading to a date. They should deem themselves special in a man’s eyes. They should hope and dream that this love will survive the test of time.

Perhaps it's true that love is a luxury and in that sense we should lower our expectations and focus on more ordinary things. Even then, I think love is the most accessible luxury we can have, so we might as well treasure it. We shouldn’t take it for granted or expect it to be easy. Like all luxuries, it should cost us something, and yet, be something to be proud of. 

Why We Should Believe in Love

Believing in love is a personal choice. It will change your perspective on everything. It will add a note of magic and romance to everyday things. Believing is not the solution to a cultural war on love, but it is the first step. The second step? Go fall in love! Let the excitement and romance take over. Don’t categorize it as infantile or naïve. Don’t hide from it. Let the selflessness it awakens take over. Let it make you feel alive and gather the strength to reject everything that falls short of what love truly means. 

To be naïve is to think that we are safe and well with love that isn’t sacrificial. Love that fears commitment and leaves room for walking away whenever we feel bored or feel confident that we can “do better with someone else.” Many walk into a relationship just waiting to be broken up with, so they remain mindful of cutting their losses from the beginning. The statistics show high numbers of unmarried couples living together, even though those same statistics prove that married couples are happier than cohabiting couples. It’s regarded as a prudent thing. Don’t get married, or at least do it after living together. We’ve chosen relationships with an easy way out. 

And that goes for those who at least establish relationships. Situationships have become another addiction-based epidemic. Addiction to the chase and hope for what they could potentially provide, and the safety of knowing we have an option, although this option has proven itself unable to materialize into an actual relationship. 

I’m not satisfied with the endless options provided by dating apps and the dating scene in big cities. I want to shut all those options out for just one person. For someone who can see me, know me, and understand me better than I probably do myself. Someone who is patient and kind toward my shortcomings, and perhaps, even likes them or finds humor in them. Like when my grandma, in her old-age dementia, makes breakfast twice for my grandfather because she forgot she already served breakfast, but she didn’t forget that she loves him and wants to care for him. She also forgot the fights they’ve had throughout the years, the times they failed each other, and all the problems they never fully resolved. Somehow, she overcame the odds and even her own dementia and didn’t forget about love. 

In a world where everything is insured, not even the most detailed prenup can truly insure a marriage. Love is not risk-averse, but it is so worth the risk and trouble, because genuine love is a remedy to all struggles. Being able to recognize and lean into a love that is genuine and worthy of those words is what we should be focusing on. When I look around at the tragedies and triumphs of love, I still choose to believe in it because the opportunity to find it is worth so much more than the fear of never coming across it. 

While the world may feel hopeless, I will light a candle. Perhaps it will light the way, or maybe it will attract someone who in the midst of darkness can sense its warmth. Either way, love will come. Maybe there is a chance the candle’s wax will melt in my hands and cause some burning, but even then, I believe there is more hope for what it brings than what I would lose by not lighting it at all.

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