If Men Aren’t The Problem, Who Is?

The web is abuzz with women expressing frustration, claiming that men aren’t approaching them—despite, as some emphasize, their own attractiveness. The mainstream media frequently echoes this sentiment, portraying relationship challenges as largely driven by men’s behavior and toxicity. 

In a recent viral video, a woman recorded herself curling her hair while lamenting that men in New York rarely approach her attractive friends. She shared a story about how women were stealing “finance bros’” salads at take-out restaurants in Midtown Manhattan, only to later look them up on LinkedIn, sending messages with a coy “oops, I grabbed the wrong salad! Sorry…” to spark conversations. She concluded by labeling men “cheapos,” dismissing their reluctance to engage.

This perspective revealed a lack of awareness regarding why men might hold back from approaching us. Her fixation on “finance bros” overlooks countless hardworking, loyal men who do not fit the mold. These finance professionals may feel they have no need to compete for attention when faced with endless options in a shrinking pool of what women deem “desirable” men.

While one might dismiss videos like this as the misguided rants of single individuals, the impact on public perception is undeniable, especially when it garners millions of views and comments of approval.

“What is WRONG with men?” has become the recurring question.

What if we're asking the wrong question though? Could it be that men alone aren't responsible for the strained dynamics between the sexes?

Having spent years advocating for the well-being of boys and men through social media and discussions with lawmakers, I believe it's time to change our perspective. Women and society also share responsibility for the fractured connection between the sexes today. Placing all the blame on men only deepens the existing divide.

This isn’t to say that men are without fault—far from it. Both sexes have work to do to mend the rift between us. However, given the plethora of articles highlighting men’s shortcomings, I aim to contribute a balanced, albeit controversial, viewpoint to the conversation.

For decades, men have faced relentless criticism, shamed for their masculinity, labeled as predators, and made to feel that they are dispensable. At the same time, societal changes have encouraged women to focus on independence, careers, and material success, often at the expense of genuine connection. We now have apps like Tea to exacerbate the issues, allowing users to post men’s photos and personal details to unveil “red flags.” In this environment, can we really be surprised that men hesitate to approach women?

The public discourse on dating merely scratches the surface of a deeper problem. Structural issues are driving men away from relationships and marriage altogether. One night, I posed a question to my followers on X: 

“A lot of young men I speak with these days say they’ll never, ever get married… but I think marriage is still very important for family formation and strengthening our communities. What do you think we can do to make marriage more appealing and fair to men?”

By morning, thousands of responses flooded in. I was stunned by the outpouring. Among the comments was one from Andrew Tate, the controversial manosphere influencer: 

“Girls are all whores. Marry who?”

While Tate’s crude words are troubling, his sentiment reflects a common theme among respondents: many men view modern women as self-focused or materialistic. More concerning is their fear of financial devastation in divorce, a legitimate worry given family court biases. Men see friends and family members devastated by marital breakdowns. Why would they take that risk? “The juice ain’t worth the squeeze” one follower said.

As influential figures like Tate amplify these fears, the perception of marriage as a viable goal diminishes, leading to a decline in dating and relationships. So, is it Andrew Tate’s fault? Not exactly. He’s highlighting serious issues we must tackle. We must approach men’s concerns with empathy and advocate for systemic reforms—particularly in family courts—while emphasizing the benefits of committed marriages. Only then can we begin to restore the value of connection in a fractured world.

In conversation with Brad Wilcox, a leading expert on marriage, professor at UVA, fellow at The Institute for Family studies and author of his latest book “Get Married: Why Americans must defy the elites, forge strong families, and save civilization,” I asked whether these young men’s concerns about marriage and divorce are justified. “Yes, divorce is always a risk,” he replied, “But they need to know that today, less than 1 in 2 marriages end in divorce. About 40% do. So, most marriages go the distance.”

His research underscores that divorce rates have actually declined from their peak in the 1980s and are currently at a 50-year low. “What’s more: never-married men are significantly less happy than married men,” he adds. “They also report less meaning in their lives. So, foregoing marriage is also a risk.” Indeed, surveys show that never-married men experience the lowest levels of happiness, while married men consistently rank as the happiest.

According to Wilcox, “Married men work harder, make more money, accumulate more assets, have more sex, and live longer than unmarried men.” If I were a young man, these advantages would sound good to me!

So, how do we counteract narratives pushed by influencers like Tate, who claim that married men are miserable? “Tate exaggerates the risk of divorce and underplays the value of marriage for today’s men,” Wilcox says. “He will never tell you that married fathers are the happiest men out there.” It sounds like finding a good partner and building a family is a risk worth taking.

Nonetheless, legitimate concerns about the legal system remain, especially regarding the financial consequences of divorce. I don’t think men are at fault for being concerned. I asked Wilcox how society could make marriage more equitable for men, and he emphasized the importance of a divorce reform agenda. “The Institute for Family Studies is working on presenting such an agenda in 2026.”

Historically, family courts have been criticized for bias against men, particularly in custody arrangements and financial settlements. This bias is rooted in gender roles that portray women as primary caregivers, influenced by the 19th-century “tender years doctrine.” This bias continues to marginalize fathers during court proceedings and amplify their financial struggles.

The hypocritical expectations among women, along with materialistic priorities and a tendency to portray themselves as victims, significantly contributes to today’s deteriorating dating landscape.

Divorce can devastate men financially, often decreasing their standard of living while elevating women’s. Men typically bear the bulk of child support obligations and asset distribution, all while the system reinforces damaging stereotypes about fathers’ inadequacies. 

To create a more fair family court system, reforms could include increasing judges' awareness of gender bias and its financial implications, standardizing financial settlements, and promoting mediation over custody and financial disputes. These changes could better support all family members while alleviating the financial burdens on men.

Perhaps the most transformative shift lies in changing public attitudes toward divorce and shared parenting. Outdated beliefs must evolve to support both sexes.

Encouraging men to embrace the value of marriage and reforming family courts are crucial steps, but we still aren’t at the end of this discussion. We also need to examine women’s roles in the state of modern dating and relationships. Blaming men or faulting our legal system entirely deflects responsibility and hinders meaningful solutions. Ladies, perhaps we are part of the problem.

Society often critiques men openly, yet even mild criticism of women is frequently dismissed as misogyny. To be fair, we must encourage open dialogue about everyone’s actions, regardless of gender. I believe women must lead on this.

Although traditional expectations for women have been challenged, the expectation that we seek a partner who earns more and holds a higher status persists and is rarely addressed. Many women seek the benefits of “equality” while clinging to conventional expectations of men as providers, and this double standard creates tension. As women increasingly attain higher education and career success, the pool of desirable male partners may seem to shrink if we hold onto outdated notions.

“Gender expectations for thee but not for me!” perfectly captures this contradiction. Moving forward, we should allow both sexes to have expectations or neither.

While we often hear about the pressure on women to “do it all,” the mounting expectations on men are rarely acknowledged. Men are still expected by many to embody traditional masculinity—strong, protective, and providing—while also being emotionally expressive, deeply involved fathers, and equal partners in household tasks, although countless 'unpaid labor' tasks usually performed by men often go unrecognized in discussions of domestic responsibilities.

In reality, we are asking a great deal from men today.

After watching countless videos go viral featuring women expressing their complaints about modern men, it becomes clear why many men, including finance bros, might choose to avoid approaching women altogether. The hypocritical expectations among women, along with materialistic priorities and a tendency to portray themselves as victims, significantly contributes to today’s deteriorating dating landscape.

The root of our challenges lies in our shared descent into the abyss of self-serving tendencies.

Although it may not be a widely popular sentiment, true progress in relationships requires us to confront our shared hypocrisy, entitlement, and victimhood. Embracing accountability is vital. Assigning fault solely to men for the challenges in modern dating is misguided and counterproductive. Recognizing our role in these issues and having more understanding and compassion for men is essential for creating unity.

So, it’s all women’s fault, then? No, that’s not the answer either. Andrew Tate and friends can hold their applause.

With our rapid technological and economical advancement, an individualistic “me, me, me” mentality has permeated society, fueled by consumerism, leading many to prioritize personal happiness, status, and material accumulation over everything else. It affects us all. In an era of unprecedented luxury compared to previous generations, this emphasis on individualism detracts from our sense of duty to family, faith, and community.

When “me” overshadows “we,” relationships fray, families deteriorate, and societal cohesion weakens. The relationship between men and women turns into a competition for status and resources rather than a natural, harmonious dance. To reclaim what unites us, we must recognize the value of duty—an essential cornerstone of our collective strength and progress. We believe we’re progressing as a society, but are we truly?

The root of our challenges lies in our shared descent into the abyss of self-serving tendencies. Whose fault is it for the fractured state of dating and relationships today?

It’s our collective fault.

As AI reshapes our world, fostering harmony between men and women becomes all the more critical. Without unity, the foundation of society risks crumbling. 

Deeming men as “the problem” today perpetuates the war between the sexes. Both sexes must engage in honest self-reflection and open dialogue to bridge the gap and cultivate healthier relationships. Misguided op-ed writers, viral videos of rejected women on social media and troubling influencers like Andrew Tate should not project their experiences and divisive attitudes onto the rest of us. Men and women aren’t meant to be rivals; we’re on the same team.