How To Politely Decline A Date (Without Hitting His Confidence)

We’re living in an age where real-life meet-cutes are on the decline because people are too nervous to have conversations with new people. A big component of this is that, as a society, our fear of both rejection and rejecting seems to have grown tenfold. (Hello, ghosting culture.) 

It’s no wonder men are becoming more reluctant to put themselves out there in the dating world. And getting burned by a harsh rejection when they finally do muster up the courage to ask someone out will only discourage future attempts on their part. So, for our sake, the guy’s sake, and the sake of all other single ladies, let’s adopt the right etiquette when declining a potential date offer with clarity, gratitude, and respect. And no, a “thank you so much, but I can’t do this weekend” or a “I’m not in a position to date during this season of my life,” won’t cut it if you, in fact, wouldn’t be too busy or unable to date the right person.

Here are five guidelines to have at the back of your mind the next time someone you’re not interested in asks you out, according to real men and women in the dating pool right now. 

Be Direct

Every single man I spoke to about this subject encouraged women to “be direct and straight to the point to avoid mixed signals.” Their advice? Keep it simple, and don’t feel you need to offer philosophical reasons or give a long-winded explanation. Go with a response like: “Thank you, but I have to kindly decline as I’m not romantically interested in you.” A good and wise man doesn’t want to pursue a woman who isn’t interested in him, so there’s no need to beat around the bush.

Another male friend told me that honesty in our rejections is super important. “I’ve definitely questioned before whether a white lie is worth it to protect someone’s feelings,” he said. “But I know I’d rather want the truth.” 

The message is clear: Short, sweet, and simple is the kindest response. When we’re overly apologetic in our rejection, it makes the whole scenario bigger and more embarrassing than it needs to be, which can make it harder to move on. 

When we’re overly apologetic in our rejection, it makes the whole scenario bigger and more embarrassing than it needs to be.

Leave No Room for Ambiguity (or False Hope)

One woman I asked said she will subtly decline a date by saying she is busy without suggesting meeting up another day. She also added that “if they ask me out by mentioning a particular place, I’ll also add something like ‘I hope you have fun there!’ Most men understand and never write back.” 

We need to discourage this habit of the wishy-washy “sorry, I already have plans” response. You’re not actually saving anyone’s feelings (as much as it may feel like it at the time). 

A female friend of mine summed it up so well when she told me: “I see so many friends giving false hope under the disguise of trying to be kind, but actually they are not being clear. Or, I see them trying to give a reason when they don’t actually have to give a reason. Something like ‘I’m not interested in dating you, but thank you so much for making your feelings clear and asking, I appreciate that’ is enough. I think the ‘dating you’ part is key, as you are allowed to be open to dating! Just not to that specific person.”

Yes, modern society says “no response is a response,” but timeless manners say we should be clear about our intentions and desires, to ourselves and to others. Setting boundaries helps us gain clarity on what we want and don’t want in a partner and knowing that will make saying “yes” and saying “no” a whole lot easier. 

Encourage Maintaining the Friendship 

The most awkward of asks is when it comes from a male friend you genuinely care about and want in your life. The truth is that male-female friendships are complex, especially if you’re both single or one of you is unattached. When married, these friendships often naturally blossom into group gatherings and feel more familial, but until then, there’s a fine line between getting on and either party catching feelings.

Here are some real-life examples from both women and men that you can draw inspiration from:

• "Wow, I'm so flattered. That's a huge compliment coming from you – I've never thought of you that way, though. I really love our friendship the way it is."

• “I value our friendship so much, but I just don’t see you in that way. You’re like a brother to me.” 

• “I’m flattered that you asked, but I’m afraid my feelings don’t go beyond friendship.” 

• “I’m so honored because you’re genuinely great, but I’m afraid I’m not interested in a date or romance with you. I love our platonic connection!”

Remember that it honors his dignity to treat this man like an equal, as if his asking you out isn't a big deal because you're sure he'll ask someone else out soon who would love to go on a date with him. 

Be Grateful for the Ask 

The truth is that real-life asks just aren’t happening that much anymore. If you are blessed enough to have a man (whether that’s an acquaintance or friend) approach you in person to ask you out, express your appreciation with a line like this: “Thanks so much for being forthright about your intentions! I really appreciate that, but I don’t see you that way and am not interested in pursuing anything romantic with you.” 

Or you could try: “Thank you so much for asking. I’m very flattered. However, I am not romantically attracted to you and respect you too much to want to waste your time.”

Consider it our sisterly duty to leave any man we reject with his head held high for the woman who is going to give him a head-over-heels yes one day. 

Just last week, a stranger approached me at a train station after we made eye contact. Nothing came of it, as truly, I didn’t feel an attraction, but it was a nice and polite interaction (and yes, I smiled the whole train ride home from it), so I did my best to encourage this man to keep going. Consider it our sisterly duty to leave any man we reject with his head held high for the woman who is going to give him a head-over-heels yes one day. 

Acknowledge the Investment of Time So Far

The above still applies even if you’re saying no to a future with someone you’ve already been on a couple of dates with. Appreciate the time you’ve had together but deliver your answer with clarity and kindness. Think something like: “I've really enjoyed the dates we've been on, but I don't want to take this further and keep holding you back from finding an amazing person who's going to be so thrilled to go out with you.”

Every person deserves not to feel like someone’s second option or back-up plan, but like their ideal choice. Don’t leave room for misunderstandings and honor that person with a concise and clear response. 

Closing Thoughts 

Can we please bring back a culture where we take chances, “drop the hanky,” and aren’t completely averse to rejection or failure? Remember, we don’t win or lose, we win or learn – which sounds pretty win-win to me.    

Rejection is survivable, and it respects the time and energy of both yourself and the other person. Yes, rejection is hard and disappointing, and it’s understandable not to want to deliver that feeling to another person, but someone taking the risk to ask you out is worthy of credit (and kindness).

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