How To Plan A Date Night That Actually Leads To Sex

A disastrous date night is worse than no date night at all, in my opinion. But even worse? A date night that was simply “fine.” Fine dinner. Fine conversation. Fine sex, or no sex at all, and that being fine too. These mediocre evenings aren't leading us toward fulfilled marriages overflowing with love and connection. Instead, they're paving a dangerous path toward discontentment and, eventually, divorce.

None of us want that outcome. We don't walk down the aisle starry-eyed toward the person we've promised our life to only to walk away after years of dates that went “fine.” So what mistakes might we be making and, most importantly, how can we fix them?

18+ Disclaimer: This article contains explicit adult content and is intended for married readers by request, for educational purposes only. Reader discretion is advised.

Plan Like Sex Is the Goal

Let's start with some practical basics that should be common sense but that I've gotten wrong countless times. It should go without saying, but don't plan a date night during the weeknight after work or after any other strenuous activity or group gathering. When you're exhausted, it shows. Conversation stalls, focus wanes, and the desire to feel playful evaporates under the weight of fatigue.

If your husband isn't the type to plan a date night, complete with reservations, a fancy dress, and a handwritten note on the bed, just know that. And stop expecting it. My husband isn't that way, either. I've actually never met a man who is that way, although they seem to exist in perpetuity all over social media. Would it be wonderful if my husband did that? If he always surprised me with a babysitter, a reservation, and red roses when I was least expecting it? Sure. But you know what my husband is good at? He knows how to lift me up when I'm feeling discouraged or insecure, how to make me feel desired and protected and loved without exception, how to support me and our children, and show up in ways I never knew a father could.

We can't all be ten out of tens in every category of our lives. I’m certainly not. And I'd take a man I feel confident can raise our sons to be great men and will be by my side unconditionally any day of the week over a man who is good at planning date nights. Stop resenting him for what he's not naturally good at and take charge. Let's be honest, you know where you want to go to dinner, who to call to babysit, and what you really want to wear anyway.

Novelty is the spark that keeps your relationship feeling fresh and exciting.

Now that we've established who is planning the date, choose a Saturday night when possible and research new restaurants or activities neither of you has tried. Novelty is the spark that keeps your relationship feeling fresh and exciting. My husband and I have enjoyed adult mini-golf venues with cocktails on the course, indoor skydiving, drive-in movies, arcade nights, trivia competitions, and concerts. We also appreciate the simplicity of trying new restaurants since we're both foodies who can bond over discovering exceptional dishes.

Once you've made the reservation and booked the sitter, don't overlook one crucial element: what you'll wear. You don't need to spend hundreds of dollars on a new dress every month, but you also shouldn't rely on that casual T-shirt and baggy jeans combo he's seen you in a million times that really only your girlfriends appreciate. Go consignment shopping. Search online. Make a moment out of it. And make sure it's something you feel sexy and confident in, because that's going to lead to the best dinner and sex. Hang it in your closet where you can see it throughout the week, building anticipation for getting dressed up to feel like the hottest version of yourself.

Leave the Petty Fights at Home

Did your husband forget to unload the dishwasher that morning, or snap at you just before the babysitter arrived? Let it go. Truly. I've learned this trick the hard way. If you want a fulfilling date night that increases intimacy and connection, small grievances aren't worth nursing.

My husband and I have endured brutally stressful days when nothing went right, and yes, I've thought privately, “I don't even want to go tonight” or even worse, "I'd rather go out by myself." But I shift my attitude, take a breath, and walk out the door with his hand in mine anyway, and we wind up in the back seat of his truck with foggy windows after the best sex we've had all month. The mental reframe that saves us is “us against the world.” When viewed that way, date night becomes relief, not obligation.

Prime Your Body and Your Mind for Sex

I don’t mean adding it to your shared calendar. I mean preparing mentally, physically, and emotionally throughout not just the day, but the entire week. Sending flirty texts, being extra hands-on with your husband in person, picking out a special lingerie set you can wear underneath your dress, eating accordingly to support your libido. Whatever makes you feel your most confident, sexy, and stress-free is the way to prepare for your date night.

Send a signal to your body that you will be having sex after your date.

Send a signal to your body that you will be having sex after your date. Don't let it be negotiable, or you're more likely to find excuses or justify getting out of it throughout the night. I ate too much. My breath smells bad from the garlic bread. I'm too tired. Make a promise to yourself to prioritize sex and connection above all else.

Become the Woman He Took on the First Date

Similar to “vacation me,” “date night me” is far more spontaneous, more fun, more free, more playful. She's not the Type A, over-prepared, stressed-out mom and household manager she is nearly every other day of the week. “Date night me” doesn't have kids that will call her “mommy” at 5 a.m. the next morning, she doesn't have work responsibilities still looming over her, she isn't analyzing the calories on her plate or the bill coming from the kitchen.

When I'm on a date night, I am the woman my husband took on our very first date. I'm sweet, funny, overly generous when it comes to laughing at his corny jokes. Oh, and I'm hot. Incredibly hot. I don't dress for date nights with comfort or modesty in mind. I'm choosing the tightest, most flattering dress I have with the sexiest heels. Does my husband know what I look like with no makeup on in my grungiest sweats? Of course. But just because he knows what you look like on your "normal" days, just because he's going to see you before and after your date night stripped down once again, doesn't mean you shouldn't put in the same effort you did going on your first date with him.

When I'm getting ready for date nights, even 14 years into our relationship, I'm catering my look specifically to the male gaze. Not what I think looks the most stylish or on trend. Not what I'm going to be the most comfortable in. What will attract his gaze. What attracted his gaze in the first place. Call me a pick-me if you want, but yes, I do want my husband to literally pick me over and over again. So sue me, Jessica.

Talk Like Lovers, Not Co-Workers

As parents of three, it’s tempting to spend date nights discussing practical matters like school logistics, finances, or behavioral challenges. We don't. We also don't forbid mentioning our children entirely. I think that's important. Some couples make it a point to not even speak their children's names on date nights. I think their intentions are in the right place, but what I've found is that setting rigid conversational boundaries can paradoxically make the restriction more obvious and reveal uncomfortable gaps in shared interests that deserve attention, but not tonight when connection and sex are the priority.

Instead, we discuss everything from our dreams of owning a house on 10 acres to our goals for our careers to unforgettable meals we've shared to hilarious things our kids said that week. We don't set parameters on topics, but we do only talk about positive, uplifting things. The underlying theme is this: if it's a problem, it's for another day.

If it's a problem, it's for another day.

Now, if you're wondering what's left to discuss without complaints or logistics, consider this: spend time before your date reading interesting articles, listening to podcasts, or reflecting on questions you've never asked your husband. Ask what he’s been listening to lately or whether he’s ever tried that strange sounding menu item. Any number of things could spark genuine conversation if both of you are invested in making that happen.

When all else fails, reminiscing about happy memories never disappoints. It can be as simple as, “I was thinking today about that time we went to (insert place here) and (insert funny or romantic result here) happened. Do you remember that?”

Most importantly, when it comes to creating connection through conversation on your date that will lead to sex afterward, keep flirting front of mind. This is not the time to criticize or take yourself too seriously. It's a date, not a business meeting. Bringing it back to my previous point, ask yourself how you would act if you were on a date with him for the first time. Would you be scrolling on your phone, mentally elsewhere, or rolling your eyes at every word that comes out of his mouth? No one wants to be on a date with that girl, and no one’s excited to tear her clothes off, either.

Be generous in laughing at his jokes. Give him compliments you would normally keep to yourself. “You look so sexy in that shirt.” “You're so funny.” And if you're feeling bold, you can edge him into the latter part of the evening with comments like, “I'm so turned on by you right now,” or telling him what to anticipate after the meal: “I'm feeling hungry for dessert after this,” with a wink. Expect a swift check after that one, though.

Let the Night Get a Little Wild

My favorite sex that my husband and I have is on date nights. Not only because of all of the things above that I've explained, but also because sex is at its most spontaneous, carefree, and unhinged following a date night where we've really connected and spent that quality time together. We've found more quiet dark streets and parking lots than I care to list here.

Sex in the car is truly an exhilarating experience, and one that “normal, everyday me” would never even consider because of the risk and potential embarrassment of someone catching us. But date night me? She's the one initiating it. She's the one ordering her husband to the back seat of the car with his pants around his ankles and orgasming again and again until her body finally gives out. She's not in a rush. She's focused on pleasure and building up that bank of connection so it can survive another week of life's chaos.

Now, if you're reading this thinking, that couldn't possibly be me! I would never have sex in a car, you dirty little pervert! I'd like you to reconsider your stance and let yourself be someone who would for a night. See how it goes. If not, we've also had life-changing sex in the privacy of our own bedroom after pleasantries are exchanged and our babysitter has gone home. This is more difficult, of course, because you're taken out of that romantic, sexually charged moment and thrown back into your “real life,” but I promise you it's still possible.

In this scenario, what you should do is this: before even exiting the car to walk inside, whisper to your husband, “You pay the babysitter. I want you to kick her out and meet me upstairs in five minutes for the best blow job of your life.” Nothing will motivate him faster or turn you on in anticipation more.

While he's practically shoving the sitter out the door, you're changing into the sexiest lingerie you own, poking your ass up on the bed so he gets the perfect view when he walks in, and preparing yourself mentally to give the most enthusiastic blow job you've ever given in your life. I heard someone once say that it should be like you're devouring the most delicious ice cream cone you've ever tasted. One that's been sitting in the freezer all day taunting you. And well, I can just tell you that that works.

Once you've got him where you want him and your libido is at an all-time high, that's when you shift into cowgirl and ride him until you both collapse in delirium. Is it safer and slightly more inconvenient than spontaneous car sex? Yes. But it's just as satisfying and memorable.

Now Go Forth and Be Filthy

My husband and I now anticipate date nights without hesitation. Not only because of the uninterrupted time together reflecting on favorite memories and enjoying excellent food, but because we know without a doubt that the night is going to end with sex. And not just sex for the sake of sex. Not just sex that would be “fine.” Sex that's rewarding, connecting, and designed to sustain us through a lifetime together.

The secret is deciding that tonight, you'll be the person your partner fell in love with, and you'll create the space for them to be that person too.

The secret isn't elaborate planning or expensive venues. It's intentionality. It's choosing to prioritize your relationship over everything else competing for your attention. It's deciding that tonight, you'll be the person your partner fell in love with, and you'll create the space for them to be that person too. That's what transforms a “fine” date night into something worth remembering.