How To Navigate An On-Again, Off-Again Relationship

The 2024 Olympics offered many beautiful chick-flick moments, and the mix-doubles tennis final was one of them. Teammates Katerina Siniakova and Tomas Machac from the Czech Republic had everyone in suspense when, after four years of dating, they called it quits right before representing their country at the Olympics. This sent many into a frenzy, as there were rumors that they would not be competing in the Olympics at all. Both Katerina and Tomas reassured their fans (and hefty sponsors) that they were professionals and that their personal life would not affect their performance at the Olympics. They promised they would give it their all, and that they did! They won gold! And maybe surprisingly or maybe not so surprisingly, as soon as they realized they were Olympic champions, they embraced and kissed in front of the whole world. Surely, a moment these two, the Czech Republic, and all the romantics across the globe won’t forget. 

The scene itself was a moving one, but it raises many questions about what’s truly going on. Many are rooting for them to get back together, others suspect that they are secretly dating, and the skeptics think that the kiss was just the excitement of the moment, and now that the Olympics are done, they will each go their own way. The short answer to this is that we’ll never really know, since every couple is entitled to their own privacy. But their situation invites many considerations: Should you work with an ex? Should you stay friends with an ex? Should you get back together? How do you even get to a place where you can consider and process all of this without the grief of a breakup clouding your judgment?

Personally, I think part of the reason why this story resonates and touches so many people’s hearts is the fact that nostalgia over an ex is a pretty universal experience. On the one hand, this is part of the human experience and part of what makes us emotional beings; but when out of hand, this can end up putting us in toxic and harmful cycles. Here are a few things to consider if you’re trying to navigate an on-again, off-again relationship.

Consider the Flags

We’re not talking about the Olympic flags, but the red flags and green flags that give us pause and reassurance throughout a relationship. Here are four questions to consider in order to clearly recognize the flags and stop being (or pretending to be) color blind:

1. Are the initial reasons for the breakup clear?

When they aren’t, it can be more difficult to fully accept it. Ideally, this is something that can be maturely talked about, and even if one party doesn’t agree with such reasons, it’s still necessary to accept the fact that the other person has drawn a boundary and made a decision. As hard as this can be, it certainly has to be respected. 

It’s a red flag if one party is making the reasons unclear, because this could mean they want to keep their options open, that they don’t want to commit or be held accountable to the relationship. This possibility is something to seriously weigh if you are considering continuing an on and off relationship. But if you two are able to have clear and honest conversations about what is going on, and you feel cared for and loved throughout it, it may truly just be a matter of time for things to work out. 

2. Is your relationship secret or private? 

There is a huge difference between these two. A secret relationship, more often than not, ends badly due to the lack of accountability. I know of a girl who accepted dating her boyfriend in secret after he explained that it would be better, given some issues going on with his family. She agreed to it in full trust that this was the prudent thing to do. Fast forward a few months, and she found out he had multiple girlfriends, and one of them had been introduced to his family. Apparently, he could handle multiple girlfriends, but his family couldn’t, hence why my friend was never introduced.

Even if things are complicated, you don’t want a man who denies or hides his care for you. Regardless of relationship status, he should still make you and your feelings a priority. 

The green flag version of this is privacy. If things are complicated or in any way challenging, you want a man who communicates that to you – not to his friends or anyone else. 

Sharing about your romantic relationship with others is tricky because other people’s opinions and reactions will always be based on their personal values, opinions, and experiences. Sometimes this is a good thing, as it enriches your own approach to your situations, but very often it is out of place, as someone else’s values, experiences, and opinions may not resonate or even have anything to do with yours. Their advice may be excellent and yet not the advice you need. This is one of the reasons why privacy (not secrecy) is so important in relationships. 

If you are to bring in a third party to help, consider a therapist, who can protect the privacy of your relationship more than a friend or family member. Consequently, this will help you both to be honest and go in greater depth about whatever is going on with your relationship. 

3. What is your end-game?

Sometimes the difficulty with on-again, off-again relationships is that they provide a sort of comfort that prevents us from moving forward with life. The ons and offs can sometimes be caused by a lack of commitment, and by staying in this cycle, we get more and more comfortable with not having commitment. The saddest and hardest situations are when one party starts to crave stability and commitment more and more, while the other party gets used to having someone around without the responsibilities that come with commitment. To avoid this, it’s important that the relationship has clear steps forward. The step of all steps is marriage, but there can be other smaller steps such as introducing to the family, living in the same city (on and off situations are often common among long-distance couples), seeking counseling or any other form of outside support, etc. The idea is not to apply pressure but to not lose sight of the prize. It’s also worthwhile to point out that as much as relationships take work and effort, it’s often imprudent to over-extend your effort for someone who hasn’t shown high levels of care and commitment. 

As girls, we tend to be over-givers and generous nurturers. This comes from a good place but can often leave us feeling used if it isn’t reciprocated. This is a double edged sword, since we were the ones giving without appropriate boundaries and we end up hurting ourselves. I don’t say this to limit your willingness to give but as an encouragement to evaluate your own boundaries. On and off relationships can often have a bitter end when there’s a large personal investment and the happy ever after never comes.

4. Aside from the romance, how is your friendship?

Personally, I would argue that on-again, off-again relationships require the same amount of trust and care that you would have with a best friend. Whether you are on or off, the mutual trust and care should be intact. If you don’t trust this person, if you suspect that messy things are happening, continuing the on and off is more likely than not not worthwhile. If cheating has occurred and the steps to reestablish trust haven’t been taken, waiting around for it is likely not worth it. On the other hand, it’s friendship that often clarifies that all the good things and the reasons why this romance initially started are still there. Quality friendship is the basis of all happy long-term relationships. It’s what grounds the trust, care, and growing love between two people. 

Don’t Rush Back In 

One of the main reasons why someone often stays in an on and off relationship is the nostalgia it provides. You’ve shared many good moments together, which were sadly followed by a breakup and the grief that comes with it. When this person comes around again (intentionally or not), the desire to go back to the good times and get it right this time is quite powerful. The challenge here is staying level-headed enough to assess if this is just nostalgia or if you can actually work it out. 

As challenging as this is, time is your best friend. Time will give you perspective and the detachment you need in order to return to the relationship with full confidence that this is the right decision. Simultaneously, it’s time and perspective that will give you the certainty and consequently the strength you need to move on. 

Signs That This Is Worth Pursuing 

There are many reasons that make a relationship worth pursuing again. Perhaps the most concrete one is the fact that the reason for the breakup was either resolved or it simply passed by. Sometimes, moments of intense stress (like preparing for the Olympics) or grief can destabilize us to the point of breaking up, but once this particular stress is gone, getting back together may come about in an organic way. Additionally, time apart can offer clarity, allowing both individuals to reflect on what truly matters and rediscover the value of their relationship. This renewed perspective can lead to a stronger, more resilient connection built on the foundation of mutual understanding and growth. This takes work, but if getting back together is truly the right decision, the hard work will be worth it. 

So what will happen with Katerina and Tomas? I don’t think we’ll know anytime soon, but time will certainly tell. The romantics will wait in hope of an engagement, marriage, or baby, while the skeptics will wait for the dust to settle and for each to go their own way. Either way, Katerina and Tomas’ story is rom-com material, and we can only hope that whichever path they go, they will land in their happily ever after. The same goes to all of you out there working through a relationship that didn’t work on a first try, but may still have a future. 

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