How To Find A Good Man With This 4-Step Approach

It’s true that love is likely to happen when we’re not paying attention or simply not thinking about it, but I would argue that it’s when we focus on the right things that a good man is more likely to come around. So without further ado, here is a four-step guide to creating an environment in which a good man may appear.

Make Sure You Have the Right Mindset

Before you venture into the wild, you must be well prepared and have the right attitude. It would be pointless to find a good man but be unable to recognize him or not be ready for a healthy relationship, so spend some time laying the groundwork. 

Your attitude and overall disposition are the first things everyone notices about you, so dedicate some alone time to self-care and give yourself honest validation. Being overly concerned with how others perceive you can hold you back from embracing your most authentic self, and being at peace with yourself is crucial in this process. Feeling strong in your sense of self will also prevent you from getting stuck in dead-end romantic situations. 

Self-care in this situation is not only about oiling your hair and applying face masks but about addressing past hurts and mistakes. It can be a difficult process, but it’s definitely a rewarding one! Go into detail identifying what personal patterns may be holding you back. Think back to every breakup and consider your part in the dissolution of the relationship. It’s not about blaming the breakup on you or on him but about reflecting on how you handled it or on what exactly made things not work. This will give you valuable insight into your own attachment style and raise awareness of what may require some healing. Remember that you are looking for a flesh and bone man, not a fictitious prince, so recognize that your own shortcomings as well as his will be part of the relationship.

Become the woman the man you’d like to be with would like to be with. Keep in mind that your self-confidence is more attractive than any particular title, achievement, or outfit. Once you are attuned to your worth, go out with the excitement of sharing this with others.

Setting the Right Expectations

The mechanics of grocery shopping and husband shopping don’t translate one-to-one. In the book Marry Him: The Case for Mr. Good Enough, author Lori Gottlieb explains how women tend to have higher standards and expectations for men than men do for women, and this often is unfavorable for women. Gottlieb suggests that if someone has 80% of the items on your list, you are good to go – he is Mr. Good Enough. Interestingly, the research shows that men are quite pleased with a woman who meets 80% of their list, while women feel like they’re settling or aiming low if they accept only 80%. 

You may not have a written list, but either consciously or subconsciously, we’re all likely to have a vision of our future and have a specific kind of man chiseled into it. We just have to be careful that we don’t cling to our list so tightly that we miss out on the right relationship for us. In her book, Gottlieb recounts the story of one woman she interviewed who met a man she really liked through a dating site and ultimately completely fell in love with. The woman admitted that had she met him in real life, she wouldn't have gone on a date with him because he had three children and she was sure she didn’t want children. Somehow, she missed the part of his dating profile where the children were mentioned, and by the time the children came up in conversation, the relationship was already flourishing.

Balance your list of what you want with the understanding that no one is perfect – everyone has flaws. Identify the flaws you can and cannot live with. Your list of preferred qualities is the positive side, and your deal-breakers are the negative side. 

The purpose of the list is to gain clarity on what we truly want. This is crucial because, in the process of finding a good man, we’ll often have to say no to some frogs. While this sounds easy, in practice, it can be quite difficult if you’re unsure of what you are looking for or how you expect to be treated. Another helpful tool to create clarity is to have a relationship vision board. This visual representation of the qualities you’re seeking in a relationship may make it easier for you to reject anything that falls too short and keep you focused on the kind of connection you want.  

Go Out and Find Him 

Once you’re mentally prepared, it’s time to go out and find your good man! The good news is there’s a chance you already know him. According to this study, it’s estimated that around 70% of couples started as friends, so invest in your current friendships. You could date someone you know or you could ask your friends to set you up. This is the classic method, since in the past, no one would’ve dated someone who didn’t have social references. Asking your friends to set you up widens your net reach exponentially; if you ask five friends and they each know three potential candidates, now we’re talking about 15 potential dates!

Personally, my favorite way to meet guys is by organizing large social events. Take the initiative and put together a team for a sports league, a book club, a charity meeting, or take classes. The sky's the limit! Think about something you’re interested in that the people around you may also have an inclination for. People tend to appreciate those who take the initiative to organize these kinds of occasions, and even if you don’t meet someone, you will have a good time, grow in self-confidence, widen your net of friends who could set you up, and overall enrich your life. It’s a win-win situation, which is important because if you’re doing certain things just for the sake of attracting a man, there’s a chance you’ll end up resenting that thing if it doesn’t produce the result you were hoping for. Sometimes just going out to a bar can work, but your chances are better doing aspirational activities that bring together like-minded people and create opportunities for meaningful connections.

Pro Tip: Co-ed sports teams are a great place to start as they tend to lack females, so the guys will often be more than excited to welcome in a cute girl!

Once your friends have been mobilized for your cause and you’re going out to the aforementioned social events, it’s time to make sure you have the conversational skills to help you get to know people. My favorite soft skills teacher is Chris Voss. In his book Never Split the Difference, he talks about the importance of having genuine interest in others and asking them questions about themselves that spark from a place of genuine curiosity. Voss is not a dating guru, but a man who spent years negotiating with terrorists and now uses those skills to teach others the power of quality communication. Aside from his book, he has a MasterClass and plenty of YouTube videos, so give his content a look if you’d like to brush up on your conversational skills. One of my favorite tips from Voss is to ask simple questions such as why and how. Ultimately, interested people are interesting people, so keep it simple but stay genuinely curious. 

Let Him Seal the Deal

Most likely, by this point, you’ve met a few good men, and the invitations for a date are pouring in. As you start saying yes to dates, try to relax and let things develop organically, without letting go of what you’d like and expect in a relationship. Be mindful of the fact that women often have a tendency to view someone as an actual boyfriend when he is still shopping around. This makes us prone to wasting our time and breaking our own heart, in addition to the fact that it may scare the man away. Be friendly, but let him chase you, and be clear about what is expected of him in order to start receiving the boyfriend treatment. 

Nothing will push a man to commit except him truly seeing a future with you. It’s important to clarify this because there is plenty of frustration over hitting it off with someone, and then suddenly, the chemistry and mutual interest don’t seem to be enough to land an actual solid relationship. Don’t take it personally, and don’t get overly emotionally invested; instead, turn the page and say yes to the next date. Having detachment in the early stages of dating is not only healthy but also very attractive. 

Ultimately, when it comes to dating, men are the closers. So take a step back and let him be the one to make sure he won’t lose you. As much as you may be craving to close the deal, you need to be sure he is committed and intentional about you. You can bring up the what are we? conversation and you can say what it is you want, but don’t act on it until he does. Keep in mind not everyone dates for marriage, so voice your stance on this as an expectation (not a demand).

The good news is if you’ve truly found a good man, there will not be much hesitation or complications related to making those dates culminate in an official relationship. Good men don’t keep women in the gray area, or at least not for long. So perhaps, this last step is a test or testament as to whether you actually found a good man.

Disclaimer: You may have found a good man, but not the right man for you. So, if you are rejected keep in mind this is not a personal attack. He may still be a good man, just not the one for you, and he is doing right in communicating this to you. Just keep going until you find your good man.

Did you notice there was no particular tip about what to say, what to wear, or even when to approach? That was not by accident. Dating is meant to be organic, and there is no secret spell to suddenly make a man want you. But the good news is when it comes to finding a good man, you won’t need those kinds of tips and tricks. Good communication, the right expectations, and an open attitude will take you a long way, but nothing will attract a good man more than having your self-confidence on full display. Don’t be braggy or proud, but recognize that working on yourself and growing in your strengths and passions will always be attractive to good people. I like to think that, just as flowers, our duty is to bloom and let the men buzz around and make sure it’s a fruitful spring.