How I Finally Let Go Of The “I Can Fix Him” Mentality

It all started when we met through mutual friends, and I’d never met anyone like him. He was handsome, charismatic, and always found a way to make me laugh. It didn’t take long for me to start hearing rumors of his negative reputation, but this only intrigued me more. The more time I spent with him, the more I saw a softer side to him, and I convinced myself that the rumors I’d heard about him weren’t entirely true. Suddenly, it didn’t matter to me that he’d cheated on his last girlfriend or that his apartment smelled like weed because I was blinded by infatuation. In my head, we were Danny and Sandy from Grease, and I’d be the “good girl” who tamed the “bad boy.”

I wish I could say this only happened to me once, but it happened multiple times through my late teens and early 20s. I wish I could say there was eventually a Hollywood ending, but each incident ended in flames. It took me a long time to realize that I’d not only fallen into the “I can fix him” mentality but that I was also engaging in manipulative and unhealthy behavior myself. 

The Allure of the Bad Boy

While these experiences left me feeling both anxious and lonely, I’m far from alone in believing I could fix him. On Taylor Swift’s latest album, The Tortured Poets Department, one of the most relatable songs is “I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can).” Lyrics like “The smoke cloud billows out his mouth like a freight train through a small town / The jokes that he told across the bar were revolting and far too loud” and “And I could see it from a mile away / A perfect case for my certain skillset / He had a halo of the highest grade / He just hadn't met me yet” perfectly describe the allure of falling for a sexy bad boy and convincing yourself that you can be the one to tame him.

It’s impossible to divorce the “I can fix him” mentality from the irresistible pull of a bad boy, for that’s the man who women want to tame. Most of us have been attracted to a bad boy (or five) in our lives, and according to a 2004 study from Southeastern Louisiana University, there’s an evolutionary reason why. Women are attracted to men who take risks because that behavior demonstrates he’s willing to acquire resources in the face of danger – resources that could help women and children survive. Essentially, it signals that he can be a capable provider and protect you from harm, and the fact that guys like this often exude raw masculinity makes them even more attractive.  

Another reason why women love to find men they can “fix” is because they genuinely want to help others but place this nurturing energy on the wrong person. They see a broken man with a sensitive side who has the potential to be amazing if only he’d overcome his demons, and they essentially take him on like a project. According to licensed clinical social worker Sydney Gomez, this can be a coping mechanism for feeling insecure within yourself. She says, “Oftentimes, people who develop patterns of trying to ‘fix’ others do so as a coping mechanism. These individuals may derive a sense of purpose or value from their ability to help others. At times, this is done to counteract deeper seeded feelings of worthlessness or insecurity.”

Women who adopt this mentality are often addicted to helping others because it not only makes them feel good about themselves but also gives them a sense of control in their lives. Unfortunately, this can lead to a string of unhealthy and codependent relationships.

How “Fixing” Him Can Backfire

Relationships built on the “I can fix him” mentality are likely to be codependent because the woman in the relationship feels responsible for the man’s emotional well-being and for “fixing” him. Codependent relationships often stem from low self-esteem or past trauma, something that I and every woman I know who has ever suffered from the “I can fix him” mentality can relate to. These relationships are unhealthy to the core, indicating those who seek them out likely have some healing to do.

Another danger of the “I can fix him” mentality is that it’s not based on love (even though it may feel like it) because you don’t actually love him, you love the potential you see in him. The romanticization of a woman changing a man for the better has been ingrained in popular media for decades, so it’s no wonder so many women fall into this trap of imagining how it could be “if only he would…” Unfortunately, this doesn’t excuse how this mentality is inherently manipulative – if you truly love someone, you don’t want to change them. You embrace their flaws and grow together (but that doesn’t make for as exciting of a movie as The Notebook).

Lastly, this mentality can be unhealthy simply because it can attract men who are toxic, abusive, or dangerous. While some men that women want to “fix” are simply immature and not ready for a serious relationship, others are more sinister. A group of personality traits known as the Dark Triad (machiavellianism, narcissism, and psychopathy) can be intriguing to women because the men behind them are often charming, which veils these traits in the early stages of a relationship. Some women may feel the desire to “fix” these men, but at the end of the day, they’re getting involved with a man who can be dangerous. While not all women who develop the “I can fix him” mentality fall for men who literally threaten their safety, it’s something important to remember when discussing this phenomenon.

How I Overcame the Desire To Fix Him

This may sound cliche, but the first thing I had to do in regards to overcoming this mentality is to recognize that I not only subscribed to it but that it was a problem. I remember my friends in my late high school and early college days telling me that I clearly had a thing for bad boys, and I’d always dismiss their comments. After I realized that being attracted to guys like that was completely natural, I also noticed my pattern of wanting to “fix” these guys. Once I acknowledged that this had become a habit, I knew I had to do something about it.

The first thing I did was talk to my therapist about it to find the root of the problem. After a few sessions, I discovered my habit of codependent relationships and wanting to “fix” men was rooted in issues regarding self-esteem and loving myself. The sad truth was that I didn’t think highly of myself in my late teens and early 20s, leading me into the arms of men who treated me poorly simply because I didn’t think I deserved a man who treated me with the love and respect that I know I deserve today. This discovery led me to practice mindfulness, self-affirmations, and journaling, which I recommend to anyone struggling with deep-rooted self-esteem issues.

Another thing I had to recognize in order to heal was that wanting to change someone isn’t love but manipulation. While it was rather uncomfortable to admit that I was being manipulative, it was also a relief to realize that this was a habit I could break by improving my self-esteem and developing healthier habits to bring into future relationships.

I also realized that I had adopted the “I can fix him” mentality because I genuinely enjoy helping others. I’ve always been on the nurturing side and have wanted marriage and children in my future, but I realized I was misdirecting this nurturing energy. While I don’t have children yet, I’ve learned to direct my maternal energy to taking care of my dogs and helping children at my local library in the meantime. If you feel that you have misplaced maternal energy, I would highly recommend looking into doing volunteer work with animals or children, which will fill your heart with joy and fulfill you more than trying to “fix” a man ever could.

Lastly, I learned to no longer be ashamed of my emotions and surround myself with people whom I love. I’ve learned not to be embarrassed by being attracted to a guy who seems like trouble – as long as I recognize that a relationship with him isn’t something I need at this point in my life. Looking back, I was in a lonely place when I wanted to “fix” others, and surrounding myself with the people I love fills that empty void in my heart.

The root of the problem was issues I had with myself, and it’s likely the same with other women who have fallen into this trap. The good news is the trap is escapable.