Having Kids Didn't Ruin My Mental Health. It Fixed It.

In a world where people are increasingly isolated, removed from nature, deprived of physical touch, and filled with negativity, one thing has forced me into a more mentally healthy lifestyle. And that thing is motherhood. 

This Mother’s Day, I’m examining the mental health effects of motherhood—a subject of hot debate. And I’m dwelling on how motherhood has changed my life, directionally and daily.

Most people are familiar with the sleeplessness, isolation, guilt, and stress that accompany motherhood. On the other hand, some surveys have found that married moms are the happiest group of people. Much of the commentary on these apparently conflicting messages posits that while the day-to-day stresses of motherhood are a negative, this stress is more than offset by the deep sense of satisfaction that moms derive from their families.

But this analysis misses how the motherhood lifestyle, specifically, benefits moms, even in the here and now. 

Kids correlate with better mental health and daily happiness, largely because parenting forces behavioral changes you might not choose otherwise. Childless people can certainly adopt these same habits, but they have to decide to. Parents often don't have that luxury, and sometimes that constraint is exactly what they need.

Physical Connection

One of the biggest differences between moms and childfree women is how little time and space moms have to ourselves. This is often depicted as a negative for moms, but what about the positives?

Mothers, especially those of us with young children, are in physical contact with small bodies frequently. We hug, cuddle, and carry our kids so much that cultural commentators describe the phenomenon of being “touched out” or smothered by so much physical affection. Although the baby phase can be very physically intensive, life with little kids is more balanced. My elementary-aged kids still hug me and hold my hand, and if I’m lucky, cuddle up for movie night.

Touch (when it’s welcome and comfortable) is good for mental health. A 2021 study found that touch frequency during COVID-19 lockdowns predicted better mood and lower loneliness. On the other extreme, people who live alone are at greater risk for “skin hunger” or a lack of physical affection that is associated with depressive symptoms. 

People who live alone are at greater risk for “skin hunger” or a lack of physical affection that is associated with depressive symptoms. 

Similarly, while moms sometimes feel annoyed or overwhelmed with young kids who say “mommy” one thousand times each day, the truth is that deep down, it feels good to be wanted, to be the center of someone’s universe. The pop-culture narrative focuses on how children’s needs are often a drain on moms. But this attachment is healthy for kids and moms. Moms know our lives have value. What would our kids do without us? 

Too Busy to Spiral

Conversely, sometimes I wonder: what would I do without my kids? According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics American Time Use Survey, employed parents of kids under 6 have the least leisure time of any adult subgroup. We devote about 3 hours per day on average to leisure compared to 4.5 hours for childless employed people. Understandably, we spend more time on caregiving and household tasks. 

But is that all drudgery and hassle, or is it fulfilling purpose? Earlier in my life, before I had kids, I often struggled with my mental health. Particularly, I wrestled with questions around my value and the direction of my life. These questions weighed on me. Sometimes, it was even difficult for me to get out of bed in the morning. I remember sharing something about these feelings with a stranger on an airplane ride. He commiserated, and said he used to feel the same way before having kids. After having kids, he told me, “I don’t wonder what I’m doing in the morning. I’ve got to get up and pour the Cheerios.”

Pouring Cheerios might not sound like a roaring good time, but it’s better than wallowing in bed. 

People who engaged in small, creative projects (like cooking or crafts) reported higher daily well-being and more “flourishing” the next day. 

While my parenthood experience has included plenty of monotonous caregiving tasks like changing diapers and cutting up grapes into smaller pieces, the kid-oriented activities are getting more fun as my kids get older. I enjoy attending Little League games, building model castles, and racing Hot Wheels around the house. My days are full, and so is my heart.

A growing body of evidence shows that even the menial tasks of motherhood can hold mental health benefits. A 2016 study in the Journal of Positive Psychology found that people who engaged in small, creative projects (like cooking or crafts) reported higher daily well-being and more “flourishing” the next day. 

In sharp contrast to my career-oriented work (much of which is done at a computer desk), motherhood is a job that requires working with my hands. And working with my hands anchors my mind. It provides sensory engagement and visible progress, which counteract the abstraction, overstimulation, and anxiety that define much of modern life.

Offline by Necessity

Let's be honest, if I wasn’t spending so much time with my kids, I’d likely be watching Netflix or scrolling on my phone. There have been many times that I’ve put my phone down or have avoided checking it altogether because I’m with my kids. I don’t want to be rude to them by looking at my phone during our time together, and I want to model healthy limits on phone use.

As an increasing and unavoidable body of research shows, heavy, passive, or comparison-driven social media use correlates with higher rates of anxiety, depression, loneliness, and body image concerns. So each time I can’t reach for my phone (because I’m helping someone across the monkey bars), I have my kids to thank. I literally “touch grass” daily.

Protecting my kids’ innocence keeps me from perseverating on events outside of my control.

Many people struggle to stay emotionally and mentally healthy today under the weight of the 24-hour news cycle in a world that often feels out of control. In addition to pure rage bait, our non-stop media diet also includes legitimately disturbing news at times. But being a mom helps me put even these events into perspective. 

I know that as my kids get older, I will have to talk to them more about current events, including wars, school shootings, assassinations, and other evil things. But protecting my kids’ innocence keeps me from perseverating on events outside of my control, and that’s healthy. I focus on what I can control: doing my best to give my kids a good life. 

Purpose Disguised as Carpools

Another healthy habit that's more common among parents than childless adults is church attendance. Thirty-six percent of parents (with kids under 18) attend religious services at least weekly, compared to 27% of non-parents. Many people re-engage with religious practice when kids enter their lives, often after a period of secular drift in their 20s.

The mental health benefits of church are strongly established: In a large, longitudinal study from Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health, regular (weekly) service attendance was linked to a 30–50% lower risk of depression and five-fold lower risk of suicide, even after controlling for baseline health and social factors. Religion offers people a sense of belonging, ritual, and truths to guide us through hard times. This has certainly been true for my kids and me.

Fifty percent of college-educated moms and 42% of college-educated dads say they volunteer at least a few times a year, compared to 28% of all Americans. 

Parents, especially mothers, also volunteer often, particularly through schools, religious groups, and community sports. Fifty percent of college-educated moms and 42% of college-educated dads say they volunteer at least a few times a year, compared to 28% of all Americans. 

Volunteering is good for the soul, and also good for the mind. According to the Mayo Clinic, volunteering lowers the risk of depression and anxiety. Volunteering also boosts self-esteem and social connectedness (and lowers blood pressure). 

But, as I sometimes remind myself, all of motherhood is volunteer work. So while moms might clock some hours at the local rescue mission or school fundraiser, we never really stop feeding the hungry or clothing the naked.

Motherhood Fixed What Therapy Couldn't

There are many ways that motherhood can put a strain on our mental health. Of course, we worry about our kids, we lose sleep, we manage the mental load of family activities and finances, and we miss out on some work or social opportunities when our kids need us. These stresses are much heavier for single moms or families facing financial insecurity. But even moms with the best possible social and economic circumstances experience a rough day, week, or month from time to time. 

Some readers might think that my perspective is skewed by my relative socioeconomic privilege. It's true that I'm blessed in many ways. But it’s worth noting that, perhaps counterintuitively, socioeconomic status has an inverse relationship with self-reported enjoyment of parenting. Lower-income parents are more likely to say they find parenting enjoyable and rewarding than middle- and high-income parents. The presence of stress doesn’t have to mean the absence of joy. 

In the big picture, motherhood offers (and perhaps even demands) a lifestyle that is others-focused and that points us toward what is best for our kids. My kids keep me active, honest, and intentional. And that's a good thing for my mental health, not just in the long run, but also in the here and now. Of course, people without kids can find other ways to prioritize mentally healthy habits, but for me, motherhood is a life hack.

Like any mom will tell you, there are still days when I want to pull my hair out, but most days, I just pull it back in a ponytail and pour the Cheerios.