Divorced Woman Urges Others To Delay Getting Married Until Their 40s—Here's What She Gets Wrong About Marriage

The institution of marriage has long been viewed as a cornerstone of American society, a rite of passage into adulthood, and a celebration of love and commitment. However, recent data suggest that the traditional practice of marriage is not as prevalent as it once was, with fewer Americans choosing to tie the knot.

According to the National Survey of Family Growth (NSFG), the number of marriages per 1,000 unmarried women aged 15 and older has seen a decline from 76.5 in 1970 to 32.2 in 2018, the most recent year for which data is available. The figures indicate that the trend of marriage is on a steady decline, marking a shift in societal norms and attitudes toward marriage and family life.

One reason for this decrease could be the changing perceptions of marriage in younger generations. Millennials and Gen Zers are choosing to delay marriage or forego it entirely, as they seemingly prioritize education, career development, financial stability, and individual growth. The average age of first marriage has also seen an increase. As per the U.S. Census Bureau, in 2018, the average age for women to marry was 28 years, and for men, it was 30, a stark contrast to the 20 for women and 23 for men in the 1960s.

Moreover, cohabitation has become a more socially acceptable and popular choice among younger generations. A 2019 report from the Pew Research Center reveals that the number of adults who have ever lived with an unmarried partner has surpassed those who have ever been married.

Even as the rates of marriage decline, the rates of divorce remain high. Although it's often cited that about half of all marriages in the U.S. end in divorce, more recent data from the National Survey of Family Growth suggests that the divorce rate is 42%—still a significant figure. This is often attributed to factors like infidelity, financial strain, lack of communication, and irreconcilable differences.

However, it's worth noting that the divorce rate has seen a slight decrease in recent years. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reports that the divorce rate per 1,000 total population was 2.9 in 2018, down from 4.0 in 2000. This decline may align with the trend of later marriages, as well as the fact that fewer people are getting married in general. While these statistics paint a broad picture of marriage trends in the U.S., the experience is vastly different for each individual.

In a viral video on Twitter, a recently divorced woman shares her thoughts on marriage, urging women in their 20s and 30s to delay tying the knot for as long as possible to avoid the possibility of outgrowing your spouse.

Divorced Woman Urges Others To Delay Marriage Until Their Forties

In the video, the woman shares that she recently turned 40 years old and has learned a few things about life that she wants to pass along to others. First and foremost, she would not get married in her twenties or thirties. She started dating her husband at 24 years old, got married at 29, and was married for only four years. During the time, they were married, she said she changed a lot and realized that he wasn't the "right" person for her.

"I grew so much as a person," she recalls about the time period during their union. "I graduated from business school, started my own business; I just became such a different person that I didn't feel like he was the best fit for me anymore."

She said she couldn't have realized that at 29 years old when she said yes to marrying him. If she could do it again, she would have allowed herself to "have so much more growth in life" before she decided on a husband. Her interests were "unrecognizable" at 35 compared to her late twenties when she got married. She isn't trying to speak badly of her ex-husband, but rather she says she just turned into a different person who wasn't right for that man.

"I don't think it would have been fair for me to take him on this journey if I didn't think that he was the right partner for the version of me that was to come," she concludes.

Many people responded to the video and pointed out that 70% of divorces are initiated by women, and this is a prime example of how many women will use the excuse of "self-growth" and individual success as a reason to end a marriage with a husband they promised their whole lives to. There are many things that this woman gets wrong about marriage, and it's reflective of a modern take on marriage that is strongly contributing to so many divorces.

Here's What She Gets Wrong About Marriage

Marriage was traditionally seen as a union between two people that was meant to contribute to society and raise a family. Today, marriage is talked about as a place where you find personal growth. This is largely due to the fact that marriage in American culture is no longer an economic exchange or a way to move upwards in society; rather, it's all about love, affection, and even making each other better people. While there is great value to prioritizing love in your marriage, it's detrimental to primarily think of your marriage as the place where you go to get self-growth, gain enlightenment, and become a certain kind of new, shiny person.

The most successful marriages that stand the test of time are the relationships where two people understand that they are building something together that is bigger than themselves, something that will last for their entire lives and even last after they die. These marriages involve two people who understand that there will be many sacrifices along the way, not just from one person, but from both, and that the greater good of their family is more important and fulfilling than one person achieving their singular goals. (Of course, this doesn't apply to relationships that include abuse, mistreatment, etc.)

Notice the language in this woman's video. She kept talking about herself—her success, her business, her "self-growth," and her desires and interests. There was nothing in there about her husband and the potential of what they could create together. It's no wonder their marriage was only four years long. She thought of her marriage primarily as a place where she went to receive something from her husband.

Tony Robbins, world-renowned relationship and business coach, talks about the "baby love" stage of relationships. This is when one or both people expect to be given everything in a relationship. "The truth is, they're only loving and happy when they're getting what they want," he says of babies. "That's because that's the stage of development. It's about me, me, me, as it should be at that stage of development. But some people are 50, and they're still doing baby love."

People who approach their marriage this way won't last very long, Robbins says, because a lasting relationship is a place where people go to give, not to get. And if both people are functioning from this place of giving, the relationship will never end.

Furthermore, it's irresponsible at best to encourage women to wait until they're in their forties to find a husband. Most women want to become mothers, and if they are only looking for a husband in their late thirties, they are significantly reducing their chances of having children naturally without any medical fertility assistance, which doesn't usually have a very high success rate anyway. Besides, the whole point of marriage is to create a life with someone. So many wonderful things happen in your twenties and thirties, and there are so many opportunities to build lasting, loving memories with your husband (and kids). Even better, growing with your husband and enduring challenges, obstacles, wins, and major life changes together is the very thing that strengthens your union and love for one another—if you let it.

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