Attachment Styles: How A Childhood Theory Became A Dating Diagnosis

What started as a theory about how babies bond with their mothers has become the emotional language of the internet—a vocabulary for heartbreak, ghosting, and unmet needs. But behind all that “therapy talk” lurks an uncomfortable truth: not every man who pulls away is damaged.

Attachment theory began in the nursery. British psychologist John Bowlby developed it in the 1950s to explain how infants bond with caregivers. Babies who experience consistent care develop confidence; those with inconsistent or absent caregivers may grow anxious or avoidant. It was about literal dependence; a child’s survival tied to proximity with a parent.

Decades later, psychologists Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver extended the concept to adult relationships, suggesting that romantic love mirrors early attachment bonds. But it isn’t built on the same empirical foundation as the infant model. It relies on self-report surveys, not observed behavior, and its categories shift across relationships and time. In practice, it overlaps with ordinary personality traits like introversion or anxiety—explaining almost everything and therefore nothing.

What began as a theory of infant survival has been stretched into a moral code for adult intimacy, where “secure” means good and “avoidant” means bad. In Bowlby’s world, “attachment behavior” meant crying, clinging, or following a mother out the door; not checking your phone to see if he’s read your text.

Applying the same framework to adults isn’t just scientifically shaky—it’s a kind of cultural regression. Infants don’t have autonomy, insight, or choice; adults do. To treat grown relationships as mere replays of childhood dynamics is to infantilize adulthood itself, and we’ve built a culture that seems increasingly eager to do that. It reassures us that every disappointment can be traced back to someone else’s failure to soothe us, rather than our own responsibility to grow.

To treat grown relationships as mere replays of childhood dynamics is to infantilize adulthood itself.

The irony is that attachment research itself shows the opposite of what TikTok therapists claim. The original studies found that secure bonds later in life can correct early adversity. Marriage, friendship, mentorship, even faith can reshape how we relate. Human beings are not linear extensions of childhood wounds. We are capable of repair, maturity, and self-regulation. Reducing an adult’s emotional life to a fixed “style” based on infancy isn’t insight—it’s regression.

TikTok therapists give the impression that every adult has an attachment style, and you simply need to “find yours.” But that’s not how the science works. In adults, attachment isn’t a fixed label; it’s a pattern that can shift across relationships and seasons of life. Even the researchers who built the first adult attachment scales emphasized that these were dimensions, not personality types. The idea that you “have a style” turns a developmental theory into a horoscope.

There’s also a quiet hypocrisy in how these labels get used. If the same women who diagnose men as “avoidant” flipped the situation—say they dated someone they weren’t that into—their behavior would look identical: slower to text back, uninterested in deep talks, quietly pulling away. In that context, we’d just call it disinterest. But when the dynamic reverses, it’s pathologized. What we call “avoidance” in men is often just how it feels to be with someone who isn’t equally invested. Pop psychology turns ordinary mismatches into moral hierarchies, where women’s needs are evidence of insight and men’s boundaries are symptoms.

When Masculinity Becomes a “Style”

Modern dating culture demands that men be endlessly expressive, vulnerable, and emotionally available—traits that, when missing, are now viewed as red flags. Yet many of the behaviors women call “avoidant” are simply how men naturally process intimacy.

Social media “experts” describe the avoidant attachment style as having a honeymoon phase, feeling like the relationship is perfect, followed by a sudden wave of suffocation when a partner’s needs surface. But that description could just as easily apply to how many women behave early in dating: presenting as laid-back, effortless, and “not like other girls,” only to become more expressive and demanding once real intimacy develops. What we call an “avoidant phase” might simply be a misalignment revealed: one person wanted lightness, the other depth. The mismatch was there all along.

And sometimes, that mismatch starts with how we sell ourselves. If you pretend not to be dating for long-term commitment, as many do on dating apps, you may attract men who aren’t either. When your true hopes surface, they’ll say, “I just can’t give you what you want,” and you’ll diagnose them with avoidant attachment instead of recognizing that they were honest from the start. Dating with clear intention might feel vulnerable, but it’s also clarifying. It takes courage to state your needs upfront, but it saves you from later mistaking misalignment for a disorder.

When a man hesitates to share his inner world on week three of a situationship, that’s not a personality disorder. But social media tells women that if he isn’t “emotionally vulnerable,” something is wrong with him. The subtext? Healthy love requires feminized emotional behavior.

When Labels Replace Accountability

Personality disorders, by contrast, are serious psychiatric conditions—not personality quirks or dating styles. They describe enduring patterns of thought and behavior so rigid that they cause dysfunction in nearly every area of life: work, friendships, intimacy, even a person’s sense of identity. Someone who holds down a steady job, maintains long-term relationships, and adapts to social expectations simply doesn’t meet the clinical criteria for a personality disorder. Yet online, these words get tossed around like shorthand for “someone who hurt me.”

The same happens with attachment styles. Finding out your “style” can be illuminating, but it can also become a trap. Instead of motivating change, it excuses stasis: “I’m anxious/avoidant, that’s just how I am.” What began as a framework for understanding has morphed into an identity that tells people not how to grow, but what to demand. “I have this” becomes “I can only be in a relationship that accommodates this.” It’s self-awareness turned self-entitlement, and it leaves no room for maturity, effort, or grace.

What began as a framework for understanding has morphed into an identity that tells people not how to grow, but what to demand.

Labeling your partner “avoidant” is soothing because it shifts the story. Suddenly, it’s not that you’re chasing someone unavailable—it’s that you’ve been chosen for a healing mission. You’re the patient, empathic one who understands attachment theory, while he’s the emotionally stunted one in need of your gentle re-parenting. But that narrative keeps women chasing what they should walk away from. Sometimes a man’s silence doesn’t hide trauma; it hides disinterest.

Therapy-speak has given us language for pain, but it’s also given us new ways to dodge it. Calling someone avoidant, narcissistic, or emotionally unavailable can feel empowering, like we’re diagnosing the problem. But often, we’re just avoiding the heartbreak of accepting that a relationship isn’t mutual. It’s easier to intellectualize disappointment than to feel it. It’s easier to scroll for answers than to sit with rejection. But growth begins where diagnosis ends, when we stop medicalizing normal human differences and start learning to tell the difference between disinterest and disorder.