Ask Evie: Why Hasn’t My Boyfriend Proposed Yet, Even Though We’ve Discussed Marriage?

READER’S QUESTION: “My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years, and he still hasn't proposed. What do I do? For context, we're both out of college and have jobs. He has his own apartment and I share an apartment with friends. He's working on an MBA, so he's in night classes, but he only has one more semester left. We've talked about marriage before, and we both agree that we want to get married. I want the proposal to be a surprise, so I don't want to bring it up all the time, but I also just want him to propose already!!!”

EVIE’S ADVICE: There’s talking about marriage, and then there’s talking about marriage. Getting to the point in the conversation and the relationship where you’re on the same page about wanting to marry each other is fundamental (and phenomenal!). But once you both agree you want to marry each other, it can leave you wondering what’s stopping you from just going for it now? Why wait, if you both know you know?

Your boyfriend could have very good reasons for being on a different timeline than you regarding when to pop the question. Maybe he’s hesitant to jump into the wedding planning that will inevitably ensue once you get engaged while he is still in school. Maybe he wants to get a better job post-MBA before getting married and taking on the responsibility of a wife (and possibly future children). Maybe he’s concerned about paying off debt and adding the expenses of a wedding to that. Maybe there are still important topics you need to discuss. Maybe he’s hesitant to jump into the commitment of marriage out of fear – even if he loves you. Maybe he didn’t have good examples of marriage growing up, and he’s afraid he’ll mess it up, so he holds back. All of this to say – you’re going to have to ask him what’s going on! You can ask these deeper motivation questions without demanding to know when and where he’s going to pop the question. (Also, does he know you want the proposal to be a surprise? If not, you should tell him. If he does know, maybe the delay is from him planning something special already!)

You can’t make someone be ready for marriage or be willing to stick it out in good times and in bad. 

If he has reservations about getting engaged soon, you may or may not be able to help resolve those. If it’s a financial worry, you could plan a budget together. If he wants to be making a certain income before marriage, you could discuss honestly if that is the income you both need to feel secure. If there is debt on one or both sides, come up with a realistic plan for paying down the debt. 

If, however, his hesitation stems from fear of commitment or fear of messing up, you can encourage him and point out his positive qualities that are conducive to a happy marriage, but really, it’s up to him to decide to take the plunge and commit. You can’t make someone be ready for marriage or be willing to stick it out in good times and in bad. 

Deciding to get married usually takes more than one conversation, especially when each person is bringing their own priorities and concerns to the table. Finding a timeline that works for each person is essential – you don’t want an inability to compromise and understand each other to cause bitterness to seep in before your marriage even starts.

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.