Ask Evie: Should My Parents Have The Final Say In Planning My Wedding If They Are Paying For It?

READER’S QUESTION: "My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over four years now, and we are planning to get engaged this upcoming year. We are both heading into our junior year of college, and we want to get married as soon as possible. This has led to a lot of dreaming out loud about our dream wedding day. Recently, I shared some of my thoughts about the perfect wedding with my mom, and it has led to some uncomfortable conversations regarding different expectations about who is going to plan the wedding.

My parents also got married young and have been happily married for many years. When they got engaged, my mom had very few opinions or ideas about her wedding day, so it was a very simple yet meaningful day that her mom got to plan. She described her wedding planning process as uncomplicated and easy.

I am very different from my mom in that I have been dreaming about my wedding day since I was a little girl. From the invitations to the venue, I’ve imagined it all and can't wait to start planning. Because my boyfriend and I will be getting married young and right out of college, we can't pay for a wedding, so my parents are happy to cover the costs. This is such a big blessing, but it also brings confusion about who is “throwing the party” and whose opinion really matters the most.

My mom believes that since my parents are paying for the wedding, their primary concerns and opinions hold more value, and should have a stronger voice in the decision-making process. However, my friends and I feel that since it’s my and my partner’s wedding, it should be our day to plan rather than anyone else’s.

For example, I would love to have a small, intimate destination wedding with close friends and family, but my mom would rather spend the money on a larger local wedding with all her closest friends who have watched me grow up. Both weddings would cost roughly the same, but my priority is having an intimate experience with my husband and our small community that has walked alongside us as a couple. My parents' priority is having lots of people there from all stages of life, mostly their friends. If it came down to cutting the guest list, my parents’ and fiancé's parents' guests would take priority over me and my fiancé's guests.

From opinions on the guest list, the size of the bridal party, the choice of photographer, cake, decorations, food, and the location of the wedding, how do I approach these conversations with grace and thankfulness while also expressing my values? What is the etiquette for planning your dream wedding with your parents who are funding it?

I’ve listened to tons of wedding planning podcasts trying to find clarity on this situation, but everyone has the same idea: “It’s your day” and “You do whatever you and your fiancé want to do, and no other opinions should matter.” However, no podcast advises on how to navigate conversations around wedding expenses, expectations, guest lists, financial responsibilities, and who gets the final say when you’re not the one paying for the wedding."

EVIE’S ADVICE: This is a dilemma a lot of brides face when it comes to their wedding day, so you are definitely not alone. With your parents covering all of the cost of the wedding, the truth is that they do have a lot of decision-making power. Of course, it would be great if they were to just offer up the money to cover all the costs without any strings attached, but that is very rarely the case. The unfortunate truth is that many parents fund their child’s wedding because they expect to be involved in the decision-making.

However, this doesn’t have to be a black-and-white, either your mom‘s vision or your vision, situation. Wedding planning with your parents is going to involve lots and lots of compromise from both parties. This means that you need to broach the topic with them about how to compromise during wedding planning. Our bet is that your parents love you and they want you to feel like your wedding day is special so they are probably willing to compromise on at least some aspects.

It will also help your case if you are able to explain why you want the things that you want. For example, if you want seven bridesmaids because that’s how many extremely close friends you have and both you and they would be hurt if they didn’t get to participate in the bridal party, then that’s what needs to be explained. This will also help you get clarity on the reason why you want certain things you’re not willing to compromise on. Do you want a destination wedding because you and your husband are adventurous and have always dreamed of getting married in a remote location with little frills, or is it because you think the wedding photos will look more Instagrammable or help you go viral on TikTok? In today’s social media age, it can be difficult to determine where our motivations for certain things are coming from and if they are truly worth fighting for. 

If there is something that is important to you that you and your parents are at an impasse about, be willing to offer to pay for it.

If there is something that is important to you that you and your parents are at an impasse about, be willing to offer to pay for it. For example, if you want a trendy cake from a certain bakery and your parents don’t want to pay for that cake because they don’t see the value in it, then say okay, I will pay for it. You’re not engaged yet, so you have time to work extra hard, buckle down on expenses, and save in order to contribute to your wedding or even to cover the full cost if you’re truly not willing to make any compromises and would rather reject your family’s financial help. 

When it comes to the guest list, inviting your parents' friends to the wedding is a very normal thing, and it’s also normal for the current generation of brides and grooms to not really prioritize those people. This is certainly a disagreement that you’re not the first person to have. One way to compromise here is to give your parents and your fiancé‘s parents a set number of guests that they can choose to invite to the wedding and let them figure out which of their closest friends to invite. You can use the excuse of feeling overwhelmed by having too many guests at your wedding and ask that you all keep the total number of guests invited to 100 people to ensure that it’s more likely people you actually know than total strangers your parents went to dinner with once. 

Another option is to offer your parents to host a reception and party at home with all of their friends and extended family and allow them to control every detail, with one caveat – that you “elope” beforehand to the destination that you want with your immediate family and closest friends. The reception at home can be a big wedding celebration, but you’ll still get your destination wedding with intimate vows and special moments to share with only those closest to you. For the local reception, you would still wear your wedding dress, and you could have a cake and whatever other wedding traditions your parents would like to include. Everyone gets to see you in your wedding dress, tell you how proud they are of you, and celebrate with you. It’s a win-win for everyone. 

Now, your third and final option. If you don’t like any of the above compromises, you can ask your boyfriend’s family if they would be willing to contribute to your wedding, while you and your boyfriend save some money as detailed above, and then you split the cost of the wedding three ways with your parents so that they aren’t covering the full expenses. This way, you have more say in the decision-making process, you can offer your parents and your fiance’s parents some say in aspects that you don’t feel totally tied to, and no one couple feels they have full control over the day. 

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.