Ask Evie: My Boyfriend Is Addicted To Zyn—Is This A Deal-Breaker?

READER’S QUESTION: "Hello, I’m writing in with a relationship question about drug use. I would appreciate your insights since it’s a nuanced topic that elicits many different opinions. Apologies for the lengthier message, I felt the context was important to receive the best advice.

I am a 25 yo female in a committed relationship with a 29 yo male. We’ve been dating for eight months and marriage is our goal. We had very different upbringings, but we align on everything from politics and children to religion and lifestyle. And we have a rock-solid friendship.

We have difficult conversations often to make sure we’re aligned and resolve conflict extremely well, but one topic seems to be our kryptonite: his use of Zyn (nicotine pouches) throughout the day and weed vape at night.

I come from a very buttoned-up, alcohol-free, drug-free family, while he comes from the opposite. After sharing my drug-free dating policy on our first date, he cut his cigarettes in half that night and never smoked again. But he replaced the habit with a “better” one in the form of Zyn. I had no idea he was using these because of how discreet they are, and he waited several months to tell me (worrying I would dump him over it).

He has made countless other strides in his health before and during our relationship like quitting alcohol, working out religiously, and eating healthier. He also went from smoking tons of weed as a young adult to using a vape once at night before bed. I always tell him how proud I am of these better choices and his commitment to self-improvement.

I’m not as concerned about the weed vape as a sleep aid as I am about the constant Zyn use throughout the day. He claims it is keeping him from picking up a cigarette, but I’m worried about the effects over time, especially because he has had multiple heart attacks from complications in the past. I told him I support it as a transitional tool as long as he has a plan to wean off it completely. I said I would not support indefinite use. He said that was his goal.

I was candid about the fact that Zyn use does affect my attraction to him (it’s my only “ick”). I am usually all over him, but finding used pouches in his bed or seeing him take one out makes me not want to kiss him. He is otherwise very hygienic and rises to my cleanliness standards in all other ways.

We communicate well and are not dancing around the subject, so I don’t want to beat a dead horse every time I have the urge to comment on it because that's unproductive. He says my all-or-nothing view on most things can be unrealistic sometimes and that I should trust the process he is going through. He also says it was an educated step after listening to podcasts like Huberman Lab discuss the subject.

Am I just a goodie-two-shoes and ignorant about what it takes to quit cold turkey? Or are my concerns valid? Should I have more confidence in his plan to wean off it given the fact that he’s sworn off all other vices and stuck to it? My life was very sheltered compared to his and I'm seeking outside perspective to prevent my own ignorance."

EVIE’S ADVICE: There are a lot of layers to this, so bear with us as we unpack a few of the issues that stand out to us and some tactics you can try to resolve them. To begin with, we do need to address the underlying expectation you have of perfection for your boyfriend, especially since you’re only eight months into a relationship with him. You noted that you grew up in very different environments, but you need to be aware that he’s never going to be you. You’re holding him to the high standards you have for yourself, which isn’t entirely bad (it’s great to have some standards), but trying to mold him into the perfect specimen of a man and change every habit he’s had over the course of his life is going to build resentment in him eventually or make him feel like your love is conditional and based on his perfection in every area. It’s especially concerning this early into a relationship that you’re immediately trying to change everything about him rather than accepting him as he is, trying to understand your differences, and coming to some compromises. It’s wonderful that he’s building new healthy habits and is working on growing, but ultimately, that motivation should come from within, not from you getting on his case constantly about what he’s doing wrong and acting as his mother rather than his girlfriend. He may be welcoming to it right now as you’re in the “honeymoon stage” of your relationship and he’s willing to bend over backward for your acceptance in every way, but we promise you it’s going to get old and fast.

Now, we understand your concern when it comes to his health. If you are genuinely worried about his health, this is the angle you need to take when addressing his habits. Why has he had several heart attacks already at the age of 29? Is it hereditary? Caused by stress? This is the most important thing you should be worrying about – not whether or not he “rises to your cleanliness standards.” Try to dive deeper into this and find out what his doctor has recommended to him to reduce his chances of having another heart attack and focus on that. If you do wind up married with kids, this is going to be something that will require your attention and care.

Your boyfriend is relying on an upper to get through the day and then a relaxant to fall asleep, which points to a bigger issue at play here. 

Let’s get into the Zyn topic because we know this is a common issue women have been bringing up lately since so many men have gotten hooked on this habit. Of course, anything you feel the need to use constantly is an issue and a form of addiction. Arguably, it’s also disgusting to see your man with a pouch in his lip or removing one that has been sitting there for hours. It’s certainly not an attractive or healthy habit to have and if he’s open to quitting it, that’s great. However, he did quit smoking cigarettes recently in addition to quitting alcohol and picking up other healthy habits, and, as he told you himself, he researched the best ways to stop the habit and has told you that the Zyns are also temporary. If you’re not fully aware of what it takes to quit cigarettes or alcohol cold turkey without any sort of replacement, it’s time to do some research yourself on the topic and gain some compassion for him. As with any addiction, coming off a drug is a battle – both physically and mentally. That being said, you giving him an ultimatum to quit Zyns after he just also quit smoking cigarettes and alcohol for you may lead him to want to hide the Zyns habit from you (again) rather than being honest and getting hounded about it day after day. He needs to have his own motivation to quit. You can encourage him by asking him if he has a plan or a specific date for a goal in mind to quit that he can work toward, which will give you an idea if it really is a transitional tool. You can also let him know that it’s a turn-off for you and continue to make him brush his teeth before kissing you when he uses Zyns, but we would leave it at that. As far as the weed habit goes, you can send him articles that show the negative effect of marijuana on sperm quality and mental health that may make him reconsider his choices and offer up natural suggestions like magnesium, red light therapy, or reading for sleep aids. 

Ultimately, your boyfriend is relying on an upper to get through the day and then a relaxant to fall asleep, which points to a bigger issue at play here. What is the root cause of these addictions? Does he have a family history of alcohol and drug abuse or trauma? Is he experiencing anxiety or depression? From our experience, oftentimes, it’s either that he’s attached to the pleasure and isn’t disciplined enough to stop, or he’s experiencing a lot of anxiety and doesn’t know how to cope with it in a healthy way. Rather than ordering him to stop cold turkey, you should try to understand what the cause of these two addictions are. You can be a force for good in his life by helping him find other ways to relax, like cold plunging, using a sauna, exercise, or encouraging him to go to therapy to get to the root cause of why he started smoking cigarettes and weed in the first place. If the root cause is stress or anxiety or family trauma, you’re only hurting him more by holding him to extremely high standards without any sort of compassion or attempt to understand his motivations.

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.