Ask Evie: I’m Interested In Religion But Have A Bad History With It. How Can I Give It A Good Chance?

READER’S QUESTION: "Hi Evie! I was brought up as a Catholic, but neither myself nor my family have ever been truly religious. Besides all of the standard practices that one does (communion, confirmation, etc.), we didn't participate. We stopped going to church, never prayed or said grace – you get the picture. There is also some complicated family history regarding religion. Long story short, my grandmother grew up in a place and time where the religious leaders were extremely corrupt, and her family was personally impacted by this.

All of this to say, I have a very limited and confusing relationship with religion. I respect the peace and clarity that it can bring to people, but I can't seem to embrace it. I also - and in no way do I wish to be disrespectful - have a difficult time reconciling my desire to take part in it and my discomfort with what Christianity (and its leaders and followers) says about women. I am no theologian so I won't pretend to understand what the Bible intends, but whenever I try to dip my toe back into religion I find that the box for being an ‘acceptable’ woman – religious and otherwise – is getting smaller. I’m a bit at a loss and don’t know where to go from here. I know I am biased when it comes to religion, but I don’t want my biases to rule my life. How do I earnestly give religion a chance?"

EVIE’S ADVICE: Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your story with us. It’s clear that your relationship with religion has been shaped by both personal and familial experiences, leading to a complex and challenging journey. It’s completely understandable that you find yourself at a crossroads, trying to reconcile your past with a desire to explore faith more deeply.

You’ve shown great self-awareness in recognizing that personal biases formed by negative experiences with others may have prevented you from experiencing a true relationship with God through religion. Many people fall away from faith, not because they disagree with its core beliefs, but because of hurtful encounters with those who were supposed to represent those beliefs. When someone meant to embody love and integrity instead acts in a harmful way, it can create a rift, not just with that individual, but with the religion they represent.

We’d like to start by addressing the broader question: Why religion? Why is it worth considering, especially in a world that often emphasizes individualism and self-reliance?

Since Catholicism seems to be the faith you're attempting to rediscover, we're deferring to our resident Catholic to provide deeper insights and guidance tailored to your journey.

Why Should People Practice Religion?

Religion has been a fundamental part of human history for millennia, shaping cultures, guiding moral frameworks, and providing a sense of community. But beyond these historical and cultural impacts, religion offers profound personal benefits that are both spiritual and practical:

1. Mental and Physical Health: Studies show that individuals who practice religious faith tend to experience better mental and physical health. Regular participation in religious services is linked to lower rates of depression, anxiety, and substance abuse, and stronger support networks that foster resilience during difficult times.

2. Purpose and Meaning: Religion provides answers to life’s biggest questions: Why are we here? What is our purpose? What happens after we die? For many, faith offers a deep sense of purpose and direction, leading to greater happiness and life satisfaction.

3. Community and Belonging: In a disconnected world, religion creates a sense of community and belonging. Religious congregations often act as extended families, offering social support, shared values, and opportunities to serve others – essential components of human happiness and well-being.

4. Moral and Ethical Guidance: Religion provides a moral and ethical framework that guides decisions and actions, especially in times of moral ambiguity. Those who adhere to religious moral codes often lead lives marked by integrity, responsibility, and compassion.

What Is Religion?

Religion involves both belief (faith in the truths revealed by God) and practice (acts of worship, charity, and obedience). It’s not just about personal belief or private devotion; it’s also about participating in a community of believers – the Church – where we encounter God in a special way through the sacraments, Scripture, and the teachings passed down through the ages.

Religion is the virtue that directs us to give God the worship and service that is His due.

In Catholicism, for example, religion is understood as the virtue that directs us to give God the worship and service that is His due. It encompasses our faith in God, the teachings of the Church, the sacraments, and our moral and ethical obligations. Religion is the way we order our lives toward God, acknowledging Him as the Creator and Sustainer of all things.

Why Do We Need Religion?

1. To Know God: Human beings are created with an innate desire to seek truth, goodness, and beauty, all of which find their ultimate source in God. Religion is the means by which we come to know God, not just intellectually, but personally and intimately. Through religious practices, such as prayer, the sacraments, and reading Scripture, we enter into a relationship with God, who reveals Himself to us and invites us into His divine life.

2. To Worship God Properly: Religion provides us with the structure and means to worship God in the way He has revealed to be pleasing to Him. In Catholicism, this is particularly evident in the Mass, where the highest form of worship – the Eucharist – is offered. Worship is not just about expressing our feelings toward God; it's about participating in the way God has established for us to commune with Him and receive His grace.

3. To Live According to God’s Will: Religion guides us in how to live in accordance with God's will. The moral teachings of the Church help us to discern right from wrong, align our lives with divine law, and pursue holiness. Religion shapes our conscience, helping us to make decisions that reflect God’s commandments and lead us toward eternal life.

4. To Fulfill Our Purpose: The Catholic Church teaches that our ultimate purpose is to know, love, and serve God in this life so that we can be happy with Him forever in heaven. Religion is essential to this purpose because it directs our actions, thoughts, and desires toward God, helping us to fulfill our vocation as His children and heirs to the Kingdom of Heaven.

In summary, from a Catholic perspective, religion is essential because it’s the way we know God, worship Him, live according to His will, fulfill our purpose, and ultimately prepare for eternal life. It’s not just a set of rules or rituals; it’s a path to the deepest fulfillment and joy, as we are drawn into the very life of God Himself.

Why We Fall Away, and How To Return

Many people distance themselves from religion not because they reject its teachings, but because of negative personal experiences with those who were supposed to represent the faith. It’s important to remember that the Church, like any human institution, is made up of imperfect people. Just as a hospital is full of patients seeking healing, the Church is full of sinners seeking redemption. The presence of brokenness within the Church is not a sign of failure, but rather a reflection of its true mission: to be a place where people find healing, grace, and transformation.

The Church is where people come to be healed by God’s grace.

The analogy of the Church as a hospital for sinners is particularly poignant. If you walked into a hospital and saw it full of sick people, you wouldn’t conclude that the hospital was failing; rather, you’d recognize that it is fulfilling its purpose. Similarly, the Church is where people come to be healed by God’s grace. The presence of human weakness within the Church doesn’t diminish its truth; instead, it highlights the need for the very healing and redemption that the Church offers.

When we focus on the teachings of the Church – rooted in Christ’s love, forgiveness, mercy, justice, and the dignity of every human being – we see a path to peace, fulfillment, and eternal life. It’s easy to let the actions of a few overshadow these truths, but doing so risks discarding something profoundly valuable. For many who return to the faith, this realization becomes a turning point. They come back with a deeper understanding of the Church’s mission and a renewed focus on the teachings that have stood the test of time. Often, their time away has given them greater compassion and a desire to help the Church grow closer to what Christ intended it to be.

In the end, the Catholic faith offers something that transcends human weakness: a relationship with God, who is love itself. Despite the imperfections of its members, the Church remains the means by which we encounter this love most fully, especially through the sacraments, which are channels of God’s grace.

Focusing on the Teachings, Not the Failings of Individuals

It's essential to focus on the teachings of the Church, which are rooted in Christ's love and truth, rather than on the failings of those who struggle to live up to those teachings. The core beliefs of Catholicism – love, forgiveness, mercy, justice, and the dignity of every human being – are beautiful and life-giving. They offer a path to peace, fulfillment, and eternal life. When we allow the actions of a few to overshadow these truths, we risk throwing away something profoundly valuable because of the actions of those who are still on their journey toward healing.

Why Catholicism? 

Catholicism offers a rich, deep tradition that spans over two millennia, providing answers to life’s most profound questions and offering a path to true fulfillment. The Catholic Church is unique in that it was founded directly by Jesus Christ, who appointed Peter as its first leader, ensuring that His teachings would be faithfully preserved and passed down through an unbroken line of successors. This gives Catholicism a historical continuity and doctrinal consistency that no other Christian denomination can claim.

But Catholicism is not just about doctrine; it’s also about beauty – beauty that is meant to lift the soul and draw us closer to God. The Church’s traditions, art, and architecture have inspired and uplifted countless people over the centuries. Think of the powerful imagery in films like The Godfather, the haunting beauty of churches in The Mission, or the evocative scenes in Romeo and Juliet. These films capture the drama, ritual, and beauty of Catholicism, showcasing how its art, architecture, and music are designed to connect us with the divine. 

The stunning cathedrals of Europe, such as Notre-Dame in Paris or St. Peter’s Basilica in Rome, were created to make you feel the grandeur of God’s presence. Even in America, where beautiful churches are less common, you can still find breathtaking sanctuaries that offer a space for reflection and connection with the divine. When you’re ready, we encourage you to visit one of these churches – especially an older one with intricate architecture and timeless beauty – and attend a Mass. The experience of the liturgy, combined with the visual and auditory elements, can be incredibly moving.

Catholicism’s beauty isn’t just found in its churches; it’s in the rituals, the sacraments, the music, and even the quiet moments of prayer. Every detail – from the stained glass windows to the incense rising during Mass – has been designed to point you toward something greater, something transcendent. This aesthetic beauty reflects the spiritual depth of Catholicism, which seeks to connect us with God not just intellectually, but emotionally and spiritually as well.

Exploring Catholicism means opening yourself up to this rich tradition of beauty and truth. It’s an invitation to discover a faith that has guided billions of people toward a deeper relationship with God and a fuller understanding of life’s meaning.

The Role of Women in the Church

Catholicism has always held women in the highest regard, not only venerating Mary as the Mother of God but also recognizing the vital roles women have played throughout Church history. From St. Teresa of Avila, a Doctor of the Church, to St. Joan of Arc, who led armies with courage and faith, to modern figures like St. Teresa of Calcutta, Catholicism honors the unique contributions of women in both spiritual and worldly realms.

The Church teaches that men and women are equal in dignity and purpose, while also celebrating the unique differences between them.

The Church teaches that men and women are equal in dignity and purpose, while also celebrating the unique differences between them. These differences are not a sign of inequality but of complementarity – meaning that men and women bring distinct, irreplaceable gifts to the Church and the world. While modern progressive ideas often misinterpret this complementarity as a form of oppression, the Church views it as a recognition of the full scope of human nature. The distinct roles of men and women are seen as both essential and mutually enriching. Far from diminishing women, this perspective elevates the unique qualities women possess, affirming their invaluable role in the life of the Church, the family, and society.

Moreover, the Church itself is often described as the Bride of Christ – a title that beautifully illustrates the intimate, loving relationship between Christ and His Church. This imagery underscores the deep respect and value Catholicism places on the feminine. Just as a bride is cherished, protected, and loved by her bridegroom, the Church is cherished, protected, and loved by Christ. This analogy also reflects the Church’s role in nurturing, guiding, and bringing forth spiritual life, much like a mother does. In this sense, the Church embodies the feminine virtues of love, care, and sacrifice, further reinforcing the dignity and importance of women within Catholicism.

For Your Consideration

If you’re considering exploring Catholicism, here are some books you can read to begin this journey:

1. Mere Christianity, by C.S. Lewis – While not exclusively Catholic, this book offers a compelling case for Christianity that resonates with many who are exploring the faith. It’s a great starting point for understanding the core beliefs of Christianity.

2. Rome Sweet Home, by Scott and Kimberly Hahn – This book tells the personal journey of a couple who, after years of skepticism and exploration, found their way to Catholicism. Their story is particularly relatable for those who may have reservations or misunderstandings about the Church.

3. The Confessions of Saint Augustine – A classic work that delves into the human condition, the search for truth, and the transformative power of God’s grace. Augustine’s journey from a life of worldly pursuits to deep faith is both inspiring and relatable.

Practical Steps To Explore Religion via Catholicism

In addition to reading the above books, here are some steps you can take:

1. Start with Simple Prayers: As simple as it sounds, try praying to God, even if it’s just a few honest words. Ask for healing from past hurts, for an open heart to explore the faith anew, and for guidance as you take these steps. Prayer is about building a relationship with God, and it can start with the smallest, most sincere gestures.

2. Try the Hallow App: The Hallow App is a wonderful tool for exploring Catholic prayer and meditation. It offers resources like night-time sleep meditations, reflections, and talks that gently introduce you to Catholic spirituality. Listening to these in quiet moments can bring a sense of peace and grounding to your day.

3. Attend Mass in a Beautiful Church: When you’re ready, try attending a Catholic Mass, particularly in a beautiful, old church, if possible. The architecture, artwork, and solemnity of the liturgy can create a powerful experience that touches both your heart and soul. Allow yourself to be present, even if some aspects are unfamiliar.

4. Seek Education: Start reading the New Testament. The Gospels offer direct insight into the life of Jesus, and the letters of Paul provide guidance on living out the faith. These readings can be a source of inspiration and reflection as you explore Catholicism. If you want to discover what the Church teaches in full, you can read the Catechism of the Catholic Church.

5. Try to Embrace Virtue: Living a life of virtue involves embracing the core virtues of faith, hope, and charity – faith to trust in God's plan, hope to persevere through life's challenges, and charity to love others selflessly, reflecting the grace and compassion that are at the heart of the Catholic faith.

The beauty of religion isn’t just in its rituals or buildings – it’s in the way it can transform lives. We encourage you to approach these practices with an open mind and heart. Take small steps, and see if they have a positive effect on you. Whether it’s finding peace in prayer, inspiration in Scripture, or comfort in the rituals of the Church, allow yourself the freedom to explore and experience the richness of this faith tradition. Sometimes, the simplest prayers – asking God for healing from past experiences, for the grace to see things anew, and for the courage to rediscover faith – can open the door to profound change. 

Deep down, we're all wired to search for something greater than ourselves – a connection with the divine. Even when we turn away from God, that search for meaning doesn’t just disappear; instead, we try to fill the void with other things, whether that’s other forms of mysticism, material things, or vices. But no matter how far we go, as a saint once said, “Our hearts are restless until they rest in You.” We wish you all the best on your journey!