Ask Evie: I Haven’t Been In The Mood For Sex Since I Got Pregnant. How Do I Connect With My Husband During This Time?

READER’S QUESTION: “I am currently 18 weeks pregnant with my first child, and most things are going well. We're both healthy, but I am really struggling to be amorous with my husband. Prior to pregnancy, I had a fairly high libido. We regularly ‘engaged’ multiple times a week, and even when life got in the way we rarely went more than 7 days or so. Since my hormones changed, I have had zero desire to do anything in bed other than sleep. In the first trimester, I assumed it was just the exhaustion that comes with devoting energy to creating a new life. I intimately learned the meaning of ‘debilitating fatigue.’ 

However, I'm now well into the second trimester, and while I don't have the same energy I used to, I'm not in danger of falling asleep if I sit down for more than 10 minutes. Yet, my desire for sexual intimacy has not returned. My husband and I are doing well emotionally, and he isn't pressuring me, so I don't think it is a mental thing either. I have tried a few times to engage when I haven't been really in the mood, and it hasn't gone well. Not to be graphic, but my husband is larger downstairs, and it ended with me in pain and him feeling frustrated and "creepy" (his word). He has basically told me that he doesn't want to continue trying if I'm not in the mood and will ‘just wait until you are and that will be a good day.’

I truly appreciate how well he's handling it and his support. However, I am terrified that I won't be in the mood until my six-week postpartum clearance. This may sound ridiculous, but pregnancy has also increased my anxiety, and I am very worried that my husband and I will drift apart over time. And, of course, being anxious about not wanting sex does nothing to actually make me want sex. Do you have any advice to help increase my desire? I really want to continue to connect with my husband throughout this time.” 

EVIE’S ADVICE: It sounds like you and your husband have a solid foundation! All couples will go through ups and downs in their marriage – including in their sex life. There are plenty of women out there who had zero sex drive during their pregnancy and the postpartum phase, but in the grand scheme of things, this is just a brief moment of time in a long life and marriage, and a few years from now you'll forget this was even an issue for you. 

However, there are a few things you can look at in your lifestyle that could help you increase your libido. Hormones certainly play a role during pregnancy, but generally, they shouldn't cause you to be completely void of libido for the entire pregnancy. Let's start with some basics: How much direct sunlight are you getting each day? How many ultra-processed foods are you eating on a regular basis? Are you hydrated? Are you getting enough nutrients through your diet and supplements? Have your thyroid levels been checked? Pregnancy can cause a lot of changes in the body that we're not aware of, and it's common for women to be nutritionally deficient. This may not sound like it's related to libido, but all of these factors contribute greatly to your sex drive, hormonal balance, etc. Eliminate processed foods as much as possible (they are known to lower libido), prioritize fresh, organic, high-quality whole foods, and make sure you are moving your body regularly, even if it's just going for walks daily and doing some light resistance training. And get out into the sunlight as much as possible. Direct sunlight is a wonderful hormone balancer, and it helps boost testosterone, which is a hormone that plays a big role in libido.

Anxiety is a common occurrence for women (and couples) who are gearing up to have their first child.

Additionally, there are other ways to connect with your husband aside from having sex if you can’t seem to get your libido back. Focus on connecting intellectually, emotionally, and physically: show physical affection, spend quality time together, plan special date nights, do fun activities, have good conversations, spend time planning for your future together, etc. You can also do these activities to encourage your sex drive. You may not feel sexy right now, but shifting your mindset and putting yourself in intimate situations with your husband could certainly make you feel like it. Give him a massage naked, or think about what features you find sexiest about him, think about the first time you were intimate, your first date, etc. Lastly, continue to express gratitude and appreciation for all the ways your husband is being supportive, which includes not pressuring you into sex or being grumpy about the lack of it. 

As far as your anxiety about you and your husband drifting apart, that is also a fairly common occurrence for women (and couples) who are gearing up to have their first child. Anxiety stems from either fear or sorrow, so if you have anxiety, first ask yourself what it’s coming from. From what we can gather, you and your husband haven’t grown apart yet, so don’t will it into existence. Inevitably, your relationship will shift during this time in your life, although that doesn’t mean it will be a negative thing. During the newborn phase, you may have less time to focus on each other and prioritize sex, but you’ll also be able to see your husband turn into a father, you’ll have new challenges to overcome as parents, and you’ll grow an even deeper bond with him because of it. Your relationship will not be the same once you become parents, but that doesn’t mean it’ll be any worse off. 

All in all, we want to encourage you not to be so hard on yourself. It sounds like your relationship is solid, your husband is supportive, and you’re trying your best to get back in the mood to connect with him during this time. You’re not doing anything wrong, and in case you need a reminder: You’re growing a whole new human! That’s hard work, and it’s normal to feel exhausted by everything going on inside your body and to feel a shift due to your hormone fluctuations. That’s not to say that you should give up on building more intimacy in your marriage, but give yourself grace as you test out new ways to get you in the mood again.

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.