Ask Evie: I Have A Huge Crush On My Guy Friend But I’m Not Ready To Date. Do I Tell Him?

READER’S QUESTION: "Hey, Evie! Straight to the point, I have a major crush on my guy best friend. I mean major, I've never liked anyone this long. The problem is I know I'm not ready for a relationship. I don't know how to set these feelings aside and work on myself so I can be ready for a relationship though. Small things he does can cause a big reaction for me. Sometimes, he might not text me for a day, and I get really sad and doubt the friendship, which is ridiculous, I understand, I'm just sensitive.

I'm worried it might have turned into love. We do kind of treat each other like boyfriend and girlfriend, which is also the problem. I'm giving him me as a girlfriend and expecting boyfriend treatment, and I'm disappointed when he doesn't give it. How do I set my feelings aside to work on myself and better myself for a future relationship? Should I tell him so I can get it off my chest and stop thinking about him?"

EVIE’S ADVICE: If you know you are not ready for a relationship, then you shouldn’t tell him that you like him. That could easily be seen as manipulative, as you’re essentially asking him to wait around for you and not date anyone else until you feel ready for a relationship. Put yourself in his shoes. Would you want to wait around until a guy feels “ready” to date you or risk feeling guilty about pursuing anyone else? You need to turn your energy and your attention into setting some boundaries and letting your crush die off, at least a little bit, until you feel that you’re ready for a relationship.

There are two things you need to do to move forward in a practical way. The first one is to figure out specifically how you need to grow and change in order to be ready for a relationship. What makes you say that you’re not ready? Age, maturity, career, baggage? Do you feel as if you need to date around before settling down? Make a detailed list and brainstorm some ways in which you can establish better habits, grow in maturity, get to know yourself better, etc. 

The second thing is to put some practical and enforceable boundaries with your guy friend in place, so you’re not giving him the girlfriend version of you. A good place to start is by not texting him every day or initiating a conversation. That may be difficult to do if you’re in the habit of it currently, but one way to stop that is by texting a girl friend, calling your mom, or making a list of tasks to do on your phone and immediately jumping into one of those to distract yourself when you feel the urge. If you want to friendzone him, you also need to ensure that you’re no longer hanging out one on one or sending him mixed signals. Keep your in-person interactions to group outings and your conversations to those you would have with a brother, not a boyfriend. Don’t “heart” his Instagram stories or comment on his posts or TikToks with flirty messages. Don’t send him cute photos or selfies throughout your day. 

It’s important to keep in mind, though, that if you friendzone him, the chances of him having the time or mental energy to go on dates or pursue a relationship with another girl is higher. If you’re not ready to date him, you need to come to terms with this so you don’t allow feelings of jealousy or competition to seep into your friendship. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Not being ready for a relationship with him right now doesn’t mean you’re entitled to have him when you want – months or years down the road.

When we fall in love with someone, we tend to want to grow alongside them, rather than tell them we simply aren’t ready for a relationship.  

You may find, with some boundaries and distance, however, that you aren’t actually in love with your guy friend and that you just enjoy the attention and close friendship the two of you have. It’s unlikely that if you’re willing to let him go right now or risk him falling in love with someone else that he’s the one person you can’t imagine your life without. When we fall in love with someone, we tend to want to grow alongside them and work through our immaturity or baggage with them, rather than tell them we simply aren’t ready for a relationship.  

If you’re able to establish some benchmarks of when you will be ready to be in a relationship, then you will have a goal to work towards, and when you meet that goal, you can then assess if you still feel the same way about your guy friend if he is single, and if so, then you can tell him.

The bottom line is that it would be unkind to tell him that you have a crush on him but you’re not ready to be in a relationship. It would create a lot of confusion and frustration for both of you and could lead to mind games where you’re expecting him to change your mind or fight for you, or he’s not sure if he should still pursue you or not. He may wind up feeling guilty about going on dates or pursuing other women and hiding that from you, or try to make you feel jealous and manipulate you into rushing into a relationship with him rather than waiting. You could also encounter a scenario where he winds up waiting around for you while you’re working on yourself, but when you feel “ready” for a relationship, it’s because you met a different man you truly fell in love with, and now your guy friend feels resentment toward you for wasting his time. In any case, more than likely, it would change your friendship completely and make it very awkward, if not unbearable.

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.