Ask Evie: I Feel Guilty For Not Being Further In My Career Post-College. How Do I Shift My Mindset And Stop Beating Myself Up About It?

READER’S QUESTION: “I graduated from college a couple of years ago, and while I’ve had some great opportunities, I can’t shake the feeling of guilt in my current career path. After all, people go to college to get ahead in life, and by no means do I regret going, but I’m frustrated in my career trajectory and find myself often taking jobs that are below my pay grade just to make ends meet.

How do I shift my mindset and appreciate what’s right in front of me without beating myself up about being lower in my career than anticipated?"

EVIE’S ADVICE: First of all, it's normal to be frustrated and disappointed when life isn't turning out how you planned, expected, or hoped for, whether that's not getting into the college you wanted, not getting the job you applied for, not finding a husband on your timeline, or being faced with unexpected infertility. In these instances, we're often required to do two things: 1) To pivot, as Ross Gellar would say, and 2) To strive to be grateful for what we do have while still working toward achieving our goal. Fortunately, humans are capable of complex thought and emotion, so we can be both content and working toward something new at the same time.

Developing a sense of gratitude is akin to developing more muscles – it takes practice, time, and intentional, repeated action. Start with the very basics: Do you have two working hands and two working legs? Can you see, taste, smell, and hear? Spend a few minutes imagining all that you can do and enjoy because your body basically functions as it should – and then spend a few minutes imagining how different your life would be if it didn't.

Next, move on to your basic needs – are they being met? Do you have shelter, enough to eat and drink, clothes to wear, and access to basic medical care? Are you able to provide for yourself in a way that maintains your dignity, self-respect, and safety? Is there anything in your life that gives you purpose and meaning? Again, spend a few minutes imagining both how your life is now and how it would be different if you lacked your basic needs.

Then, consider your relationships: your coworkers, your friends, your family, your boyfriend, your faith community, etc. Do you have support and connection? Do you have fun? Will they lend a helping hand when you need it? Do you have somewhere to spend holidays and special occasions? Repeat imagining your life both ways.

Strive to be grateful for what you do have while still working toward achieving your goal.

Finally, it's time to think about your job – do you have a way to provide for yourself, put food on the table, pay rent, etc.? That's the very basic, fundamental level of a job. Stop and think about how much harder your life would be without your job. Is there anything you like about your current job? Are you learning a new skill, honing an old one, or gaining different experiences? Is it, even in a small way, helping you toward what you want your career to eventually look like? Any step in the right direction, no matter how small or how slow, is still progress. Are there things you can do outside of work to help you get closer to your desired career, like classes, certificates, etc.?

Spend several minutes each day, or whenever you're feeling down or guilty, doing some or all of this gratitude exercise, and it’s sure to help put things into perspective and stir up some feelings of gratitude for all your current blessings. Another thing that's helpful in gaining perspective is reading biographies of people who suffered and overcame horrific things. One example is Unbroken, a true story about a WW2 soldier whose plane crashed in the Pacific Ocean, he was adrift at sea on a raft for 47 days, and was then put into a Japanese prisoner of war camp for a couple of years. Your life could look a lot worse!

Lastly, make sure when you’re thinking about your life and career that you aren’t comparing yourself to others you’re envious of – whether that’s friends you graduated with or strangers on social media. One person may be further ahead of you in the career department (whether due to a family connection, great luck, or a genuine work ethic), but privately struggling with their mental health or a toxic relationship. You truly never know what other people are going through just beneath the surface. Beating yourself up in the present moment won’t get you anywhere closer to achieving your goals – in fact, wallowing in self-pity will only delay your progress. So put a pep in your step this new year, and learn to appreciate what you have and where you are while working toward the future you imagine for yourself one day at a time. 

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.