Ask Evie: How Do I Stop Comparing Myself To The Other Women My Husband Slept With Before Our Marriage?

READER’S QUESTION: "Hello Evie, I was living very celibate and Christian before marriage but my now husband wasn't. In fact, he was living very promiscuously before he came to faith in Christ.

A few weeks after his conversion to Christ, we met each other, and very soon we wanted to marry (he is a tall, dark, handsome, non vaxxed conservative, so no questions left ;)).

And I was already struggling with his sexual past before marriage, fearing he could compare me as s/o inexperienced to all the other experienced women he had had. I thought marriage would wipe all this away, as I thought it would be such a ‘magical’ union, but now I must recognize it clearly isn‘t and doesn't go away, and even after 1.5 years of marriage, I‘m struggling more than ever.

He is very caring and tries to help me, but I just can’t get the comparing thing out of my head and that he already did everything with other women I was looking forward to do only with my future husband. It makes me crazy and not wanting to be intimate with him anymore…. Any suggestions…?"

EVIE’S ADVICE: Sex is more than just the physical pleasure and the trying different positions and the novelty of exploring intimacy. Sex is about loving and caring for the other person and expressing your love through body and spirit in the sexual act. If your husband was promiscuous before marriage, we can pretty much guarantee you that those sexual experiences were more selfish and based on just “fun“ with women he didn’t value as highly as you. It was not the same kind of sexual experience as truly vulnerable and truly intimate, physically and emotionally, sex with your spouse.

Marriage will always have instances where we have to accept that our spouse made a poor decision that negatively affects us. Sometimes that decision is something small, like your spouse didn’t put his shoes away and you tripped on them and fell. Sometimes it’s a much bigger decision with bigger consequences. But in order to move forward, you have to accept what the reality is, extend love and forgiveness to your spouse, and figure out how you can move forward together. When you choose to spend your life with someone, you are choosing to extend them unconditional love. While you may not have made decisions like his in your past, there will be times in the future where you need to be forgiven by your husband as well. Treat him with the forgiveness and graciousness you’d expect in return.

Focus on the fact that he loves you and cares for you in a way that is radically different from any other woman. 

Thankfully, this isn’t new news to you – your husband was honest with you prior to getting married and you accepted him the way he was. While you may still feel hurt, it’s not entirely fair to go back on your feelings and punish him now for his past – especially a past he already feels regret over. He likely recognized that the path he was going down was a destructive one when he converted to Christianity, so chances are he feels just as badly about his promiscuous choices as you do. Shutting out intimacy in your marriage is not going to make either of you feel better about the situation; in fact, it will likely lead to more resentment and frustration. 

Focus on the fact that your husband chose you to spend the rest of his life with. Focus on the fact that he loves you and cares for you in a way that is radically different from any other woman. Focus on building up your marriage inside and outside the bedroom. Confidence in your spouse’s love is not just created through your sex life. And last but not least, have hope, because sex with your spouse gets better as time goes on and you get more comfortable with each other and you learn more about each other’s bodies and needs and desires.

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.