Ask Evie: How Do I Handle All The Change That Comes With Getting Married And Moving Away?

READER’S QUESTION: "Dear Evie, I am getting married this fall to a wonderful man and am excited about spending the rest of my life with him. (And your articles have been so helpful over the past few years to help me get to this point with positive input on fitness, relationships, and femininity. Thank you!)

That said, all the upcoming transitions feel like a lot. I will be moving in with him after the wedding, about an hour from where I live now (neither of us believes in living together before marriage). So it will be a new home (where things will be set up differently and not 100% my way), a new church, a new gym without some of the group classes I like, and more. I will still be able to see my local friends, but it won't be as convenient. It's a lot of change all at once. Even though my fiancé and I are very compatible, I think parts of learning to live together and function well as husband and wife will take effort and be stressful at times. I was single for a long time before meeting my fiancé and am a little set in my ways, and I find routines and stability to be very comforting. How do I navigate all the emotions of a big life change like this? I am so happy to have met someone who feels like my soulmate, but sometimes I feel a little destabilized by all the adjustments."

EVIE’S ADVICE: Getting married, moving in and moving to a new town is a lot of change all at once. It's totally normal for there to be rough patches in the relationship in the early days of marriage, especially when both spouses are used to living their own rhythms and routines. Take some time to share your anxieties with your fiancé. Give specific examples of routines that you do and ask about his routines – we're sure he has them too! Start to brainstorm how you can combine routines or maintain routines where possible. These will probably change as you actually live them, but over time you will create new rhythms and routines as a couple. If you're able to identify the routines and/or setup that are most important to you (Is it organizing the kitchen a specific way? Is it finding a gym with the kind of classes you like so you stay motivated?), and can communicate that to your fiancé (especially if you can explain why it's important to you), it will be easier to compromise. 

If your friends are going to be a bit further away, try to schedule a weekly or monthly date on the calendar in advance to get together with them since spontaneous outings likely won’t be as common. Having a regular girls’ day or night will give you your independence while staying respectful of your husband’s and your new routines. Say your fiancé loves to golf on Saturdays with the guys. This is the perfect opportunity to schedule time away yourself (whether that’s a solo coffee and nail salon date or a day thrifting with the girls). Encouraging you both to keep your hobbies and interests while married is important to maintaining a sense of self and giving each of you time to be independent (and ultimately, miss each other). 

If you can approach this transition with a sense of adventure and a sense of writing a new chapter of life with your new husband, it will make all the changes easier. 

As far as your living situation goes, your fiancé probably expects that you’ll want to change some aspects of his house. You are moving in and making it your shared home, after all. He should be open to redecorating, painting, rearranging furniture, etc. in order for you to feel comfortable and that you’re not just crashing at his place – that it truly is your home as well. Have fun with this process so you can be proud of the home you share together as husband and wife!

If you can approach this transition with a sense of adventure and a sense of writing a new chapter of life with your new husband, it will make all the changes easier. You will be stepping into a new phase of life and identity – wife! Instead of looking back at your single life and all the hallmarks of living that were entirely up to you, try to look forward to the adventure of marriage and creating a new life for you and your husband together. We promise there will be so many new fun memories, routines, and traditions to cherish in this new chapter! Think about (and even make a physical list of) everything the two of you have been looking forward to in becoming husband and wife and living together. Playing house can be incredibly exciting and romantic! Even the most mundane things that you may have dreaded in your single life, like going grocery shopping, cooking dinner, or doing chores, become a way to bond and get to know your husband. Think about waking up together, sharing morning coffee and hugs before work, falling asleep to your favorite Netflix show by his side, etc. You may even find that your new church, gym, and routine are better suited to you than the old versions! 

It’s normal to mourn the version of you prior to marriage, where you had unlimited flexibility and independence, but stay focused on all of the benefits of this new season and allow your mindset to shift with you. If you become a mother, that will be another transition you’ll have to welcome into your life that will also have difficult compromises, yet exponentially rewarding benefits. Life is all about growing and embracing change!

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.