Ask Evie: How Do I Get The Passion Back In My Marriage After Having A Baby?

READER’S QUESTION: "Hello Evie, I have been married for almost 14 months now, and we have a beautiful baby boy who is 3 months old. I am a generally happy person, and postpartum has been going really great, but lately I’ve just been feeling unloved by my husband, and I feel like it’s been gradually happening since the progression of my pregnancy. I feel as though our honeymoon phase quickly ended due to getting pregnant so quickly, which I don’t regret in the slightest, but I think it’s affected our marriage. 

Slowly, my husband was complimenting me less and less, flirtations have disappeared, touches and quick kisses are never a priority anymore, and our physical intimacy gradually decreased. The biggest thing I can think would be the cause of this is my body. I know that I’ve put on a lot of weight since the baby, and losing it hasn’t been easy. I don’t feel beautiful anymore, and I don’t think he’s attracted to me anymore. There are times where I try to make an effort in my appearance, doing my hair, putting on a nice dress, cooking a nice dinner, and it all seems to go unnoticed. 

We have talked about my weight and how I know that I need to lose some and that he would like it if I did. But I haven’t asked him outright if he still loves me because I’m honestly scared of what he’ll say. I still love him so much it hurts, and I don’t know how to go on any longer not feeling loved. What do I do?"

EVIE’S ADVICE: First of all, let us start out by saying that although this can feel extremely isolating and hurtful, you are certainly not alone in your feelings. In addition to your hormones likely being all over the place and contributing to your insecurities and heightened emotions, you went straight from the honeymoon phase to pregnancy and postpartum, which can be hard on any couple, no matter how strong. Many couples experience a negative change in their physical intimacy and sex life during pregnancy and postpartum. Oftentimes, women don’t exactly want to be loved on when they’re throwing up with morning sickness and at the end of their pregnancy when they just feel huge and uncomfortable. Then, there are the months of early postpartum, when both people are exhausted and this tiny human being needs them all the time. Your priorities and your attention have, understandably, shifted away from your husband in comparison to the early days of your relationship, and it’s common for couples not to feel as connected. Your husband may feel like he’s been demoted or that you don’t have the time or energy for a romantic connection with him anymore. He may in fact be right, but it’s crucial to remember that all of this is temporary. Your marriage will ebb and flow, and the pregnancy and newborn season is a part of that. That doesn’t mean you should throw your hands up in defeat and wait it out, however.

Your relationship might benefit if you take the lead and prioritize the small moments of physical interaction with your husband. You can also reinforce with positive feedback anytime he does offer you a hug or give you a kiss. You can say things like ,“I miss how we used to hold hands when we were walking in the parking lot,” or whatever the case is. Communication is key; be open with him and tell him that you miss how he treated you in the beginning of the relationship, or be specific with him about what you would like him to do. Here’s an example: “Remember when we used to kiss before leaving for work in the mornings? I think we should start doing that again. It really helped me start my day on a positive note, and I miss that.” Especially if you were pushing him away during your pregnancy and up until this point as a result of you not feeling sexy or confident in your changing body, he may not realize that you want him to begin initiating intimacy again.

If you show your husband love and affection, then he will feel more inclined to reciprocate and show love and affection back to you. 

Relationships work on the principle of reciprocity. This means that if you are showing your spouse love and affection, especially in the ways that he prefers to be loved, then he will feel more inclined to reciprocate and show love and affection back to you. This principle is how you can shift a downward spiral into an upward spiral, but it takes somebody who is willing to keep reaching out, to keep initiating, and to keep showing love until the momentum is changed and the other person starts reciprocating.

If both you and your husband are on the same page about you wanting to lose the baby weight, then you can make a plan for how to prioritize that. Keep in mind, though, that for most women, it takes anywhere between 9 months to two years to lose the weight they put on during their pregnancy. Your baby is only 3 months old, so don’t feel discouraged about not losing any weight yet or not focusing on that. Assuming you are breastfeeding right now, your baby needs nutrients, so depriving yourself or going on a crazy crash diet to lose weight would not be wise. 

All of that being said, it doesn’t hurt to take strides toward healthier habits while allowing yourself grace. Sit down and think about what you would need in order to create those habits that would make you feel healthier and eventually lead you to lose weight to get back to feeling confident and happy in your body. Do you need your husband to take care of the baby three or four evenings a week so you can go to a Pilates class or see a trainer? Is there someone in your family or community who could babysit during the day so you could go to the gym? If not, you can take your baby on lots of long walks if the weather allows or do an at-home workout video while your baby is napping or in a bouncer/swing. As far as nutrition goes, do you feel like you need to work with a nutritionist if that’s in the budget, or do you feel comfortable making some changes on your own when it comes to meals? If your husband is encouraging you to get healthier, he can do it alongside you! You two can take evening walks after dinner with the baby to connect and work out, which might kill two birds with one stone (make it a rule to keep phones away during this time). You can also prioritize making nutritious meals at home from scratch together, keeping unhealthy snacks out of the house, and even meal-prepping breakfasts or lunches if necessary. 

Aside from the weight loss part, we would not recommend asking your husband if he still loves you. Marriage is until death do you part, and there will be seasons in every marriage where love is more of a choice than a feeling. Saying “I don’t love you anymore” out loud could have serious and unnecessary consequences and lead to serious and unnecessary decisions. Instead, make these changes, be open with your husband about how you’re feeling and what the two of you can do together to connect again, and remember that you are not alone and that these feelings and this season are only temporary. 

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.