Living

Trading Spycraft for Motherhood: The Surprising Liberation of Leaving My Dream Career

A year ago this month, I decided to resign from my dream job and become a stay-at-home mom. Although I admit to sometimes fantasizing about spending just one day back in my former working self’s shoes, I’ve gained and learned so much as a SAHM, especially when it comes to self-discovery. In fact, I would even call my transition to homemaking a —gasp—liberating experience.

By Rebekah Bills6 min read
Pexels/Timi Keszthelyi

I am lucky enough to have had what is probably one of the most “girl boss” jobs out there—I spent nearly 5 years as an intelligence officer, or a spy, for an intelligence agency in the Washington, DC area. Despite its share of government bureaucracy, I thoroughly enjoyed my tenure in spycraft and the excitement and the sense of purpose (as we called it, “mission focus”) that such a career entailed. I also had two children during my career, and I returned to work part-time just four weeks after the birth of both my children, in part due to national security circumstances at the time, and in part owing to my dedication to and love for my job.

Given the excitement of a career in intelligence, I thought I would have to work hard in order to not “lose myself” as a stay-at-home mom, as I’d so often been led to believe. To my surprise — and in spite of what society signals about motherhood—I found the opposite to be true. Rather, I found myself in the year that I became a SAHM, and by “found myself” I mean that I discovered hobbies that I genuinely enjoy; I formed strong bonds of friendship with other incredible women and members of my community as we walked through the frustrating and beautiful trials of motherhood together; and thirdly, that I was able to more closely orient my life around my spiritual and educational life goals. The result proved life-changing for me, or better described: life-giving.

As I reflect on the one year anniversary of the day that I surrendered my badge for the full-time duties of child rearing and homemaking, I feel as though I have not only begun a new and sweet chapter in my life, but I have entered my own kind of renaissance as both a mother and as an individual. 

The Day I Decided to Leave 

For me, the decision to become a SAHM occurred when I was at the height of my career. I can vividly remember the day that I got a prestigious award from my agency’s Director, a three-star general officer. I was late to my own surprise award presentation because I left abruptly after our meeting with the Director to solidify some logistical details of his departure and to run to the mother’s room to pump, as I was breastfeeding at the time. Upon coming back and finding everyone, including the Lieutenant General waiting for me, I was presented with the Director’s personal coin and accompanying laudatory remarks. I remember feeling elated. And then, on the drive home to pick up my kids, I suddenly felt the exact opposite. I found myself thinking, “This is it? Is this what I will work year after year for?” 

I made plans to surrender my badge and leave the agency that very same night. 

I always knew, at least in concept, that worldly gains, be they professional success, wealth, or otherwise, are not what really matter in life. But it took my actual achievement of such accolades to reveal that, for me, my aspirations and happiness no longer lay in career accomplishments, even those as grandiose as our national security interests. That day on which I received the award I felt the emptiness of such things in my bones, and I felt the strong desire to devote my time where my heart actually was—with my children. 



Rediscovering My Hobbies

What I did not expect upon devoting my time to childrearing was a renaissance-like rediscovery of my own hobbies and the revelation of new dreams for the future of our family. Not having to juggle work and parenting has given me increased time to reflect on what I really want out of life and how I truly enjoy spending my time. For instance, I am surprised to find that I enjoy making food and some household products from scratch. I have discovered that I get immense enjoyment from being able to try new exercise routines and programs; a newfound pleasure in home improvement projects (I never thought I’d apply wallpaper in my own home); and I now have the increased self-awareness that I thrive when spending as much time as possible outdoors. 

My children and I spent entire mornings this past spring and summer on our second story deck; me slowly sipping coffee and my sons racing their toy cars back and forth across the deck. We’d walk our puppy twice a day, explore local parks, farms, and attend all the local community fairs and outdoor events. The result was a summer that felt like childhood all over again for me, and one that I can only imagine is tucked sweetly away in my toddlers’ childhood memories. I also discovered this very hobby—writing—and it has proved a deeply rewarding source of intellectual stimulation. Rediscovering my pen has given me the means to deeply ponder topics that interest me, such as cultural shifts, foreign affairs, and overcoming the unique challenges that society faces in the postmodern age.

As such, this past year has led to the discovery of new dreams and aspirations that I did not realize were buried in my psyche until SAH-motherhood uncovered them. A small hobby farm (emphasis on small and hobby) is now something that my husband and I talk about, especially given my new-found love of cooking from scratch and spending time outdoors. We have even half-joked about breeding a herd of great danes to run around our property. While dane breeding is more of a joke than an actual aspiration, the point is that I am pleasantly surprised to find myself excited for more land, animals, bigger home improvement projects, and happy children running around—with lots of outdoor exercise for all— in our future. 

Likewise, I feel as though I have the world at my fingertips in terms of my newfound writing hobby. While I do think that I was called to serve my country for the almost five years that I did, and while I find a great sense of honor in knowing that I helped safeguard our national security, there is nothing quite so intoxicating as knowing that your own words and ideas are being read and internalized by thousands of other women who are interested in what you have to say. In fact, through my foray into writing, becoming a SAHM has unleashed a power arguably more potent and more empowering than anything I possessed as an intelligence officer: my own unfettered voice.

Building Relationships, Community, and Slowing Down 

Becoming a SAHM has also afforded me the time to pour into relationships that I simply did not have when juggling a full-time job atop motherhood and housekeeping. I now have time to connect with other moms, strike up conversations with bystanders at the park, and get to know the staff at our local establishments. As a SAHM, I have formed new friendships with incredible women who have different life experiences, different approaches to parenting, and with whom I can grow and learn as we share the sometimes overwhelming and frustrating aspects of motherhood. I look forward to cherishing these relationships for a lifetime. This has given me the chance to put into practice the community-oriented living that I want my children to emulate, and which was lacking in the busy work/motherhood juggle that made up my previous life.  

Time also passes a lot slower when you’re spending mornings at home with your toddlers, spending hours outdoors, and generally on what I like to call “toddler time.” In contrast to the busy work life that I used to lead, this sense that time is passing slowly makes me feel as though I’ve regained lost time. Coupled with the discovery of new hobbies, dreams, and friendships, I have embarked on what I can best describe as my own personal renaissance: a rebirth of who I want to be as a mother and also as a woman with dreams and life goals outside of the office.  



Materializing Spiritual & Educational Goals

Devoting my time to childrearing has helped me to better put into practice the spiritual and educational objectives that I have for myself and my family, which has proved especially restorative to my conscience. When I was a working mom, I had spiritual and educational goals such as wanting to institute godly behavior and continuous learning in our home. However, it was not until I became a SAHM mom that I was able to live out these values and uphold my convictions in the microscopic detail that stay-at-home motherhood affords. When my children were spending 8+ hrs a day under someone else’s care, I had a bird’s eye view of the moral and educational ethos that I wanted in our home, but less means to bring such an ethos down into day-to-day practice. 

To give an example of how I am better able to materialize my spiritual goals as a SAHM, I am now able to teach my children about their Creator and his plan for humanity organically, as my three year old’s questions arise during day to day life, rather than wondering if my toddler asked a tricky question at daycare that was brushed aside. In terms of my educational goals, I am able to facilitate educational activities and fuel bursts of curiosity as we go about our daily adventures, and to model continual learning myself. I now have the time to invest in self-improvement activities so that my children see me learning regularly through podcasts, books, deep conversations that arise in my mother's groups, and that by my example they will grow up understanding the value of an ever-curious mind. This is a far change from working a job in which, even if asked by my child, I could not elaborate on “what mama does at work” for security purposes. The transparency that I now feel as I am able to live out my spiritual and educational life goals alongside my children is an incredibly refreshing change from the necessarily secretive life that I used to lead. 

Additionally, becoming a SAHM parent not only solidified my spiritual and educational goals—to raise children both godfearing and inquisitive— but it also thoroughly schooled me as to how hard it is to emulate these convictions in day-to-day life. Having to enact the kind of good character I hope to see in my children proved (and is still proving) an enormous exercise in self-discipline that required a great deal of self-mastery on my part, especially when it came to the number of public toddler meltdowns that I would face as a SAHM parent. On top of the immense self-discipline required, even my very best behavior modeling efforts go unrewarded; no one presents me with a coin or an individual act award (something that I got frequently at work) for managing to maintain an attitude of grace despite a particularly degrading day of parenting toddlers.

I can therefore attest that taking control of my days, attitude, and habits so as to live in such a way that matches my spiritual and educational aspirations requires an inner strength and dedication beyond even what my demanding job in national security entailed. I am reminded of a saying that I came across in college: “a man’s character is determined by what he does when no one is watching.” This is a truth that stay-at-home-moms live out acutely, and one that I found takes a ferocious amount of inner strength and self-discipline I had hitherto not witnessed in myself, not even in my longest and most challenging days in the office. 

A Liberating Experience 

 

Because it demands such self-mastery and is largely rewardless, I found that becoming a SAHM bolstered my self-reliance and my ability to content myself with the intrinsic worth of raising children and living out my values. It has proven not only a great exercise in virtue, but has—perhaps counterintuitively—also been a profoundly emancipating experience for a woman accustomed to relying on the external validation of the professional sphere. Stripped of my elite access and my government badge, I turned to the only thing that could possibly be more fulfilling: living each day in pursuit of what I think is most important. For me, I discovered that this means spending my days with my children (usually adventuring outdoors with our enormous puppy), getting good exercise, revitalising my home and hobbies, fearlessly expanding my influence as a novice writer, exploring my community, building relationships, and, most importantly, fueling my children’s and my own spiritual and educational journeys. Liberated from an office job, I am better equipped to make sure that my children have the best possible childhood and that I am the best possible version of myself to guide them through it.

Who would imagine that trading a job as a spy for the seemingly mundane role of mother would unlock new hobbies, kindle new friendships and mold community, and sow dreams for a future that I am all the more excited for? That living out my values in the day-to-day joys and challenges of parenting would prove more character-building and more liberating than one of the most exciting careers? While I still fantasize about getting to relive one day in my former working self’s shoes, I’ve come to understand the proverbial wisdom that a lifetime is too short a time spent with the ones we love in pursuit of the things that really, genuinely, matter. 

And I, for one, am not a woman who is going to spend my time on anything less. 

The views/statements of fact, opinion, or analysis expressed in this article are strictly the author’s own and do not reflect the official policy or position of the U.S. Government.