7 Ways To Stay Madly In Love With Your Husband

Shortly after my husband and I married, a relative snorted, “Ah, so sweet! You still like each other...for now.” As Lucy Maud Montgomery wrote, “The gods, so says the old superstition, do not like to behold too happy mortals. It is certain, at least, that some human beings do not.” 

There is a pervasive cultural narrative that love always fades. But I’ve found something different.

Now, 9 years after our honeymoon, we still love and enjoy one another. While we are far from the finish line, I’m loving the journey. Through having 3 kids (soon to be 5!), moving, career changes, financial struggles, and familial conflicts, we've only grown closer. We've been able to lean into one another and our faith through various seasons. 

I can’t say that we have handled every conflict perfectly, or that there are never thoughtless words or hurt feelings. However, we have learned, and are continuing to learn, the art of being married to one another.

Here are some of the lessons I’ve learned throughout our marriage so far that have helped me to stay madly in love with my husband. 

1. Say What You See

Consistently point out things you love and appreciate about your husband. Something that has kept our attitudes and hearts loving is thanking one another. Thank him for doing the dishes, even if (especially if!) he does them every night. Tell him what a great friend, son, and father he is, and why. Remind yourself (and him) of the qualities that first attracted you to him. Making a practice of voicing compliments helps focus on what you love, and notice these things more often. This is a win-win for both of you: he is encouraged, and you grow more attracted to and grateful for him.

2. Be Mindful Of The Story You're Telling Yourself

As we live together, it can become easy for us to let our minds dwell on small frustrations and gradually begin to characterize our husbands by them. Without even realizing it, you can have an ongoing train of negative thoughts about your husband running through your mind every day. Each small frustration will only confirm and build your negative characterization of him, until he has become an altogether different man in your mind than the one you lovingly made vows to. Examining your thoughts and consciously choosing the story you will tell yourself about your husband is one of the biggest relational skills you can learn. As an ancient proverb says, “Be careful what you think, because your thoughts run your life”.

3. Pause Before You Pounce

Make a habit of waiting before bringing up frustrations, and then decide to talk it out or let it go. When something frustrates me, I have a 24-hour wait period. More often than not, I realize it had nothing to do with my husband; I was just tired, hungry, or overstimulated. If the wait period passes and I’m still thinking of it the next day and decide it's worth talking about, I think through how I will phrase it, and how and when I will bring it up. This has kept me from many unnecessary arguments and given us both time to reflect. Often, if it's something that needs to be discussed, my husband will recognize it before I bring it up. It’s not always easy to cool off, but it gives space for clarity instead of conflict. Not every annoyance needs to become a conversation. 

Not every annoyance needs to become a conversation. 

4. Forgive Fully, And Don’t Keep Score

When you've talked through a conflict and you've apologized to one another, forgive your husband completely. That means telling him you forgive him, and also making the decision not to dwell on his wrong. “Forgive and forget” is a silly and untrue saying. “Forgive and forfeit resentment” would be more accurate, although not as pithy. Reject bitterness, and choose not to throw resolved conflicts back in his face later on. Forgiveness has been a foundational relational principle for thousands of years, as seen in the Bible where we are urged to, “Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you.” 

5. Back Him In Public, Even When He’s Not Around

Speak to him and of him respectfully, whether he's around or not. Others tend to reflect our tone and characterization of our husbands. How strange would it be for your mom, friend, or sister to initiate trash-talking about your husband? They likely wouldn’t, unless you set a premise. If you don’t respect your husband to others, they won’t respect him, and in the end, you won’t respect him. Respect in public contributes to love in private. In some circles, it can be a sort of bonding ritual to bash husbands. If you can’t resist joining, find a new circle. 

Respect in public contributes to love in private.

6. Say What You Want, Kindly And Clearly

Husbands can have a hard time figuring out what we want, because honestly, sometimes we don’t even know ourselves! Notice patterns, desires, and disappointments within yourself and examine them so you don’t unfairly blame him. Do you wish he would bring you flowers more often? Explain how much you love receiving flowers, and thank him whenever he does get them for you. Or, if you just like having fresh flowers all the time (like I do), add a $5 Walmart bouquet to your grocery order every week or two, and leave the fancy bouquets to him for big occasions. A key part of communicating maturely is to make requests, not demands, or worse, vague criticisms, comparisons, or complaints. Occasionally, you might recognize that you simply put too much pressure on a certain holiday or event (like Valentine's Day or your birthday, for example) and need to lower your expectations due to practical constraints like time or money. Mature communication isn’t about not sharing your desires, but about expressing them without turning them into ultimatums. 

7. Flirt, Touch, Have Fun, And Most Importantly, Communicate

Learn new things together, plan at-home date nights, and go out together. Flirt and touch. But most importantly, talk and listen. Once my husband and I get all our kids to bed, clean the kitchen, and tidy up, we often will sit down together in the living room with tea and just talk for a couple of hours. We talk about our work, what we’ve been reading, conversations we’ve had with friends, how family is doing, funny memes we saw, different ideas we agree or disagree with, how we've been growing spiritually, past experiences... the list goes on. There’s no agenda, point, or plan. We just share our hearts and minds with one another and listen, ask questions, laugh, and learn. Simply enjoying one another’s company and connecting is refreshing, fun, keeps us in tune with one another’s hearts, and rekindles our friendship. My husband and I have said that this is one of our favorite things we do together, and that we imagine we’ll still be doing it when we're in our 70s.

These suggestions don’t build a perfect marriage, but they have built a beautiful one. If you are engaged or newly married, I hope this article can serve as encouragement that you don’t have to be ready to have a strong 50-year marriage right away. After that fateful “I do”, you take the steps, day after day, to forfeit selfishness and choose love. And eventually, you will look at the life and legacy you have built together in those millions of small moments. You’ll discover that not only have you accomplished something amazing together, but you have together become kinder, more loving, and wiser people than you were at the altar. Marriage isn’t only about being madly in love and happiness. It's about selflessness and growth. And unexpectedly, the only way to have the former is to choose the latter.