3 Things I Wish I Knew About Marriage Before I Said “I Do”

I don’t think anyone ever sat me down and told me that marriage would solve my insecurities or heal every lonely place in my heart, yet somehow, I absorbed that belief anyway. That once I found my person, life would feel settled. That certain internal struggles would finally quiet. That love would come more naturally, communication would be easier, and emotional maturity would just happen. What I’ve learned is this: marriage doesn’t automatically heal insecurity, eliminate loneliness, or instantly sanctify you. Instead, it magnifies what’s already there. It gently, and sometimes not so gently, reveals where growth is still needed. So often we’re tempted to believe the next date, the next relationship, or the next season is the real step forward. But the step you’re standing on right now, the one that feels quiet, unseen, or unfinished, might actually be the most significant one of all. And for the woman for whom that statement just hit too close to home, I invite you to explore my new book, Future Husband, Present Prayers , that unfolds how praying while you wait can transform your singleness and prepare you for marriage. Marriage requires continual reflection, humility, and intentional growth. And there are sacred, powerful things God invites us to cultivate before marriage that don’t magically disappear once vows are exchanged. These things bless every relationship we enter into, romantic or platonic. So, in the spirit of learning together and cultivating healthier marriages, whether you’re married now or dreaming to be someday, here are three things I truly wish I had known before becoming a wife: 1. It’s Okay to Fight, and Learning How to Fight Well Changes Everything I grew up in the South, where everyone is kind, polite, and deeply committed to looking like they have absolutely no issues, especially married couples. Smiles were practiced, church greetings were cheerful, and if there was conflict, it was covered with a “Bless your heart.” Rooted in those tendencies, I slowly developed a belief about marriage: healthy couples don’t struggle, and if they do, they don’t show it, and if they show it, then it’s a sign something is seriously wrong. Translation: if you had any problems, you were headed toward a potential end. Talk about problematic thinking! Looking back, that way of thinking was not only inaccurate, it was wildly unhelpful. It left no room for real growth, honest conversation, or learning how to repair. It taught me to see tension as an instant danger instead of a normal part of two imperfect people learning how to love each other well. Let’s clear something up right away: fighting in marriage is not a sign that something is wrong. In fact, conflict is inevitable. And when handled well, it’s healthy. Without conflict, issues don’t disappear. They go underground. Without conflict, issues don’t disappear. They go underground. Unspoken frustrations turn into quiet resentment. Assumptions replace curiosity. Emotional distance slowly grows, even when everything looks “fine” on the surface. The question is not if you’ll fight. It’s how you’ll fight when you do. James 1:19 gives us a simple but challenging framework: “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger.” Now, I’m not advocating for normalizing raising your voices, picking one another apart, or constantly airing your dirty laundry for the world to see. There is a way and a why to our conflict and disagreements. The Gottman Institute’s research confirms something both reassuring and sobering: all couples fight, even the happiest ones. What separates thriving marriages from struggling ones isn’t the absence of conflict. It’s the presence of constructive conflict. Couples who approach issues with listening, calm discussion, and collaborative problem-solving consistently report higher satisfaction and deeper trust. Conflict offers us a choice. We can react defensively, rush to be right, or protect our pride. Or we can slow down, listen deeply, and choose humility over control. Most of the pain we experience during conflict doesn’t actually come from the issue itself. It comes from the story we tell ourselves. We jump to conclusions. We assume motives. We try to protect ourselves from being the “bad guy.” Many of us were never taught how to communicate well. We’re learning in real time. Philippians 2:3–4 reminds us to approach each other with humility, valuing the other person’s needs alongside our own. That posture alone can change the entire tone, and outcome, of a conversation. Early in our marriage, we didn’t fight well. One of us was Italian and the other passive-aggressive. One tended to steamroll, pushing hard to resolve things immediately. The other withdrew, afraid of saying the wrong thing or making it worse. Over time, we had to unlearn our juvenile patterns and replace them with something healthier, something advantageous for understanding and unifying. You know how you could make straight A’s all semester and still have to study again for the midterm? Passing quizzes didn’t exempt you from the exam. You still had to show up, review, and apply what you’d learned in a new way. Marriage is a lot like that. Even after you find the person you want to do life with, you don’t graduate from learning how to do life with him. You keep studying. You keep paying attention. You learn what he needs in a relationship, what he’s really trying to express beneath the words, and how the two of you can come together in moments of tension and walk away closer instead of farther apart. It takes time. It takes intentionality. There are good principles and helpful tools, but nothing replaces actually doing the work: being present, staying curious, and discovering what helps your relationship not just survive, but thrive. And honestly, isn’t that what we hoped for anyway? Not something easy or automatic, but something meaningful. Something beautiful and uniquely yours, worth tending to, worth growing, and worth blessing for years to come. We practice what we call the four A’s to easily remember: articulate clearly, actually listen, arrive at a solution together, and always end with resolution and closeness. Today, my husband and I do conflict differently. He’s still stoic and great with words, while I’m still introverted and a deep thinker, but we have fought to understand each other so that when we do fight, it's a time for building rather than tearing down, or breaking down on my end. We practice what we call the four A’s to easily remember: articulate clearly, actually listen, arrive at a solution together, and always end with resolution and closeness. We don’t do it perfectly. Sometimes I’ll have to remind him to slow down and let me into the conclusion, and other times he will have to remind me to let my walls down and hug him through the discussion, but we do it intentionally. John Gottman famously concluded that conflict resolution is a better predictor of marital success than initial compatibility. That means how you navigate tension matters more than how naturally aligned you feel at the beginning. Conflict isn’t the enemy. It’s the classroom where patience, empathy, and love are formed. 2. How You Support Him Matters, More Than You Realize We’ve all been there, sitting on the couch watching 10 Things I Hate About You , absolutely undone as Heath Ledger and Julia Stiles stumble through the raw, emotional chaos of realizing they love each other. The vulnerability, the tears, the poetic, painful articulation of the heart. It makes you think, yes. That’s it. That’s what love looks like. And somewhere along the way, many of us internalized this assumption: if emotional expression is that powerful, then it must be the key to relational health. If we just share our feelings clearly and often enough, say the hard thing, name the emotion, open our hearts, everything else will fall into place. It makes sense. Those moments feel like the breakthrough. But surprisingly, research tells a slightly different story. What most strongly predicts marital satisfaction isn’t how much couples express emotion, though we do love a good love letter. It’s how well they support one another. Sharing your emotions is powerful. But offering and receiving support is often even more transformative. Support may look like encouragement, listening, showing up, helping in tangible ways, celebrating progress. These actions have a measurable impact on how happy couples feel in their marriage. This has been a surprising area of personal growth for me because I love my husband and think the world of him. I even run an entire podcast called Dear Future Husband because I believe that marriage is a gift. And while I love getting to celebrate him in big ways, I’ve realized that it’s in the smaller, everyday moments where I can sometimes fall short. Those moments when I don’t lean in as fully to support him, or when I get caught up in the rhythm and stresses of daily life, cost. Love and affirmation that go unspoken often go unfelt. When I’m overwhelmed by the daily grind, my listening can shift from truly hearing him to just hearing. And instead of processing with him in a way that challenges him to grow, without proper support, those statements can more easily come across as criticism. Criticism isn’t always obvious. Sometimes it doesn’t sound harsh at all. It can show up as withholding affirmation, assuming appreciation is understood rather than expressed, or focusing more on what needs improvement than what’s already good. I’ve learned that it’s not just the big declarations of love that matter. It’s the consistent, small acts of support and understanding that really make a difference. Especially for men, ladies. Often, they will long for your love and approval more than they will ever ask for it. Yet they will also receive far greater from it than they will allow themselves to show. Men are stoic leaders, yet still long for supportive love. You might think, he knows I love him. He knows he’s doing great. But love and affirmation that go unspoken often go unfelt. Even when addressing challenges, criticism must always be married to support. Again, it’s not if you bring concerns. It’s how you bring them. Dr. Gottman’s research on the “Four Horsemen” reminds us how easily criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling can erode connection. I had to learn that good intentions don’t cancel out poor delivery. When bringing something difficult, I try to remember the three D’s: delivery, degree, and direction. How I say it, how intense I make it, and whether I’m pointing us toward growth or just venting frustration. Ephesians 5 speaks to the call for wives to respect their husbands. Respect isn’t only reverence. It’s reflected in our tone, our words, our internal dialogue, and how we speak about them to others. Proverbs 31 describes a woman whose husband is “respected at the city gate,” illustrating how her support helps him thrive both publicly and privately. I want my words, tone, and responses to build my husband. When bringing something difficult, I try to remember the three D’s: delivery, degree, and direction. How I say it, how intense I make it, and whether I’m pointing us toward growth or just venting frustration. Support in marriage is both spiritual and practical. It looks like prayer and encouragement, active listening and affirmation, just as much as it looks like showing up, sharing responsibility, and helping carry the weight of everyday life. When husbands feel supported, they often become more emotionally available and more invested in the relationship. And the same is true for us wives. Research published in the Journal of Marriage and Family confirms what many couples experience firsthand: daily acts of support, gratitude, and positive interaction are among the strongest predictors of long-term marital happiness. Small gestures matter more than grand ones. Checking in at the end of the day. Saying thank you. Helping without being asked. These moments may seem ordinary, but they carry cumulative power. As wives, or even future wives, the way you encourage, affirm, and pray for your husband can shape his confidence, his leadership, and the health of your marriage. 3. All the Praying I Did Before Marriage Wasn’t Enough to Sustain It One of the single best things I did in my singleness was pray for my future husband. It transformed the way I approached dating, gave me a clear and powerful vision for my marriage, and prepared my heart through healing and guarding. I believe those prayers aided my now-husband and aided my marriage. But if I can be honest with you, those prayers in singleness were powerful for then and even now, but they weren’t enough to sustain a healthy marriage on their own. I couldn’t stop at praying for a good future marriage. I’ve needed to keep praying into the good marriage I’ve been given. Because even after we receive a blessing, we’re called to steward it. And one of the most faithful ways we do that is by continuing to bless it through prayer. Marriage is not a one-time covenant sealed on a wedding day and sustained by good intentions alone. It’s a daily decision. Love doesn’t stay strong on autopilot. Even long after the excitement fades and real life settles in, a healthy marriage requires intention, effort, and ongoing communication. It requires choosing one another again and again, sometimes in visible ways, and often in unseen ones. 1 Corinthians 13 reframes love not as a feeling we fall into, but as an action we practice: patience, kindness, forgiveness, perseverance. Love is something we do. One of the biggest fallacies of marriage is that your growth reaches its pinnacle once you say “I do.” In truth, in many ways, it accelerates. Marriage doesn’t complete you. It refines you. You don’t stop becoming. You keep becoming, often through moments that stretch your patience, humility, and faith. Scripture echoes this rhythm of daily intentionality. Colossians 3 invites us to “put on” compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, not once, but repeatedly. These are not traits we graduate into. They’re practices we return to again and again. Prayer, too, must be continual. Not just praying for your marriage in general, but praying for your spouse specifically: their growth, their decisions, their protection, their calling. 1 Thessalonians 5 calls us to pray without ceasing in every relational season and circumstance, anchoring our hearts in gratitude and alignment with God, even when emotions fluctuate. That’s why the message behind Future Husband, Present Prayers resonates so keenly. It reminds us that prayer isn’t reserved for one season of life. The habit of praying faithfully, for your future spouse, your forever spouse, or your own heart, shapes the kind of love you’re capable of sustaining. The prayers you pray today become the foundation you stand on tomorrow. Every relationship needs prayer. Not as a last resort, but as a foundation. There will be seasons when love feels effortless and seasons when it feels like a sacrifice. In those moments, love becomes a choice, a quiet, faithful one. And over time, those choices don’t just sustain a marriage. They strengthen it. While I hope the first two points feel practical and helpful, this one matters most to me. Because at the end of the day, every relationship needs prayer. Not as a last resort, but as a foundation. Statistics still tell us that roughly 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. That reality can feel heavy and discouraging. But there is a powerful, often overlooked difference maker: prayer. Research has shown that couples who actively pray together experience dramatically lower separation rates. In fact, only about 1 in 1,500 praying couples separate. That is about 0.07% compared to 50%. What a difference! It's not a coincidence, either. That's the fruit of drawing near to God together, allowing your hearts to be refined, recommitted, and anchored to something far bigger than either of you. Prayer doesn’t just protect a marriage. It shapes it. It reminds you that your relationship is not built solely on compatibility, effort, or emotion, but on a shared dependence on God. And that kind of foundation changes everything. So keep lifting prayers, whatever season you’re in or walking into. Maybe you’re in singleness, wondering if he will ever find his way to you. Or you’re married, wondering how you can grow your closeness together. The power of prayer is like a life buoy for your relationship. Whatever arises, whatever storms or sunshine, calm or rough waves, it will keep you tethered together, and he will keep you afloat. In Closing If I could simplify all of this into three invitations, they would be: Learn how to navigate conflict with humility and intention. Don’t assume your spouse automatically understands your heart. Be willing to learn and listen. Support one another generously. Celebrate progress and express gratitude often. Encouragement strengthens emotional connection more than we realize. Commit to praying daily for your spouse, not just for your marriage, but for who they are becoming. Marriage is beautiful. But it’s not the destination. It’s a refining journey. And the work you do now, wherever you are, will bless the relationship you step into next.