3 Surprisingly Common Ways Women Disrespect Their Husbands (Without Meaning To)

Marriage is one of the greatest gifts in the world. But it’s not a one-and-done deal on your wedding day. It takes hard work and sacrifice, and it’s the small, everyday things that make or break a relationship. 

Unfortunately, it's become normalized, and in some ways, socially rewarded for wives to disrespect their husbands, and well-meaning wives can easily get caught in these behaviors without a second thought. Here’s a look at three widely accepted habits that actually harm your marriage, and how to stop.

1. Complaining About Him In Public

Wives complaining about their husbands is a trope that has been around for years. Today, though, with the devaluing of marriage in general, casual feminism and the online realm, it takes on a new and more impactful identity. Women have gone so far in their complaints as to take issues with their significant other online, voicing their “icks,” no matter how trivial, on social media for the world to dissect.

Most of us, though, are generally well-intentioned with our complaints. We voice them with good-natured humor, an eye roll or two or, when more frustrated, out of an understandable need to vent to those closest to us. Discussing your husband negatively in public, however, does real damage to his reputation, and to your marriage. You don’t give him the chance to defend himself by criticizing him to others. By airing your dirty laundry or issues, you open up something private to the public and unintentionally invite in judgment and criticism along with it.

According to statistics, the average person complains 15 to 30 times per day. Other studies have found that the more you complain, the easier it becomes. Frequent complaining literally rewires your brain to think negatively. Your brain, however, doesn’t register your intentions when complaining; it just registers the complaints. No matter your intentions, the rule still applies: act negative, become more negative.

Married women should have friends they rely on for support and strength. Still, complaining can become a bonding method, whether we intend it to or not. It doesn’t take much for one comment to turn into a full-blown dissection of every gripe you and your friends have with your husbands, even by accident. Based on the research about complaining, it’s an easy habit to get into. Think about it: is bonding over the issues or problems in your marriage — at the expense of your husband — a valid or healthy way to connect with others?

Constant complaints about your husband don't do the concept of marriage any favors, either. It's a fact of life that every relationship, marriage included, has its hurdles and struggles. But hearing wives habitually discuss their husbands’ flaws is defeating. And it does nothing to attract women who aren’t convinced they want to get married in the first place. If we need more happily married women, isn’t it important to represent the joys and goodness of marriage well?

How To Stop

Once something is made public, it’s hard to make it private again. Honor this by communicating with your spouse directly. A quick conversation could resolve everyday irritants or issues. Even with deeper problems that take longer to overcome, by communicating one-on-one with your husband, you prioritize him and allow him to right any wrongs without looping in friends, family or followers. No one is perfect. We all deserve a chance to improve without an audience.

As a rule, it’s a good idea not to criticize or critique your husband negatively to others; after all, it’s not their business. Not complaining is difficult sometimes, especially if it’s already a habit. If a group regularly grumbles about their spouses, try to shift the conversation or refuse to join in. The practice of virtue is not easy but worth the effort. It’s noble to protect your marriage, and it’s beautiful to cheer for your husband rather than gossip about him behind his back.

Of course, this is easier to do when you surround yourself with women who speak well of their husbands. We are who we choose to associate with, and having a group of women who love, respect and praise their husbands can make your outlook on marriage brighter. Just as negative friends breed negative behaviors, positive friends breed positive ones.

2. Criticizing His Efforts

Communication is important in marriage. Couples should grow in their understanding of each other and their preferences. It takes trial and error, and both husbands and wives should have the freedom to give feedback in their relationship. That being said, if correction or criticism is too constant (even when intended to be helpful) it can make anyone feel like their effort is being disregarded or unappreciated. For a wife, it only highlights what she views as being wrong (or not quite right) with her husband, a message he can then internalize.

The current political and social landscape is an important factor. Today, men are told that they don’t measure up. In virtually every arena, men are criticized for something, whether it’s who they are or who they are not. They are discouraged from expressing their masculinity lest they be labeled as toxic. Even married men are susceptible to these perceptions and pressures, just as married women internalize pressures regarding womanhood. 

You don’t want to pile on by accident through trivial critiques. Daily criticisms can make a man feel like his wife is nagging or trying to control his every move. Men value respect; in a marriage, a wife’s respect for her husband signifies trust and confidence in his competency. Frequent corrections and being hypercritical of his contributions make him feel disrespected. In turn, it builds resentment between husband and wife.

How to Stop

Building up your husband through praise, appreciation and gratitude increases his confidence and masculinity. And what woman doesn’t want her husband to be more masculine? Gratitude is an effective remedy for criticism. Studies show that appreciation is a better motivator than criticism, with 80% of people preferring it as an incentive for hard work. A husband may work harder or more willingly when he knows his effort is more likely to be appreciated than criticized.

While a suggestion here or there isn’t toxic — it’s healthy, even — be selective about when to offer an alternate way of doing things. Be careful of moralizing processes or decisions that are matters of preference. The need for tasks to be done according to exact standards may signify that you need to grow in patience and understanding. If an issue is unimportant, let it be and move on. I’ve always thought of choosing your battles not as admitting defeat but as choosing peace over conflict.

3. Comparing Your Relationship To Others

We’ve all heard the phrase “comparison is the thief of joy.” Unfortunately, today, comparison is easier than ever. In addition to couples we know personally, we also have access to a horde of other couples via social media. Pair this with oversharing, and we suddenly have a strangely intimate look into someone's life, thoughts and opinions we didn’t ask for in the first place.

We love to support our married friends and root for our favorite couples online. It’s admirable to look up to examples of strong, happy, romantic marriages. Sometimes, though, without meaning to, we can measure our lives (and relationships) against those around us and in the digital space. What often starts out as a harmless comment or conversation can transform into a comparison trap, and sometimes even result in jealousy. 

Social media masterfully convinces us that we need things we didn’t know existed three seconds before. In the same vein, we see couples having and doing things that wouldn’t even occur to us. Once on your radar, they can be hard to let go of. You might accidentally start thinking, “Why don’t my husband and I do this?” Suddenly, you’re comparing.

What’s so harmful about comparing your relationship, though? Well, men are providers. Good husbands want to give their wives the best they can offer materially, romantically, physically and otherwise. When they see that you are pining after an aspect of someone else’s relationship, even something silly, it can make them feel like they’re failing at some aspect of providing for you. While you chose him in marriage, you also have the opportunity to choose — or not choose — him every day.

How To Stop

Remember that social media truly is a highlight reel. Even though people post a multitude of snapshots from their lives, they would still rather post their wins than their failures. The mundane day-to-day moments aren’t usually projected to the masses, and even those can be stylized to look greater than they actually are. 

If you struggle with comparison online, try setting some boundaries like scheduling "unplugged time" each day or even engaging in a social media detox. We may not realize the effect exposure to so much media throughout the day has on our outlooks or mental health until we intentionally limit our consumption. Mute or unfollow any accounts that make you feel jealous, insecure or inadequate.

If trapped in comparison to friend groups or in social settings, try examining individual issues that cause you to compare and then refocus on your own marriage. For example, if you're jealous of your friends’ date nights, maybe the deeper lesson to take away is that you miss quality time with your husband. Try planning a night out (or in, if that’s more your style) to talk, reconnect and spend intentional time together. 

Relationships evolve even within marriage. Instead of investing in comparison, invest in growing your relationship, becoming closer to your spouse and making your marriage the strongest you can. Redirecting harmful behaviors into something positive can be a powerful switch. It can even be as simple as telling your husband, “I love you,” when you’re tempted to compare.

Respecting your husband goes beyond the big moments. It’s an everyday act that, when done with love and understanding, is incredibly impactful.